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Valentines Day Dilemma

Will reply to any new posts tomorrow~ I need sleep, as I have work tomorrow.

[b]TL;DR[/b]
I'm a romantic. I like a chick. She has long-term boyfriend. She likes simple things for Valentines, making me like her more. What do w/out ruining relationship and without ruining my whole friendship with her. TL;DR's are for lazy people. Read the bloody post.

Salut, Basil!~ 'Tis me... If you know me. At all. No? Okay...

Anyway, my name's Riley, and I have a bit of a problem here... You will most likely say that I am overthinking it, completely nuts, or maybe I'm actually making sense of something for once. Anyway, onwards to the actual question.

As most of us know, Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching, and for those of us (like me) who have no one to spend it with, yet still want to impress someone, are flailing in the dark as to what they should do on this day.

So I'm in this situation:

Me. Riley. Junior in high school, 6'5'' tall, 210lbs. I'm known by mostly everyone in the school, even the staff (seeing as I work there every other day), and am not shy to meet new people (just this day I met a new friend, Jake and Jaelynn). I don't like to say that I'm all that handsome, but I've been told otherwise, and am probably the only non-trashy Caucasian dude in my school (my school is in the middle of the ghetto, and is very prone to stereotypes. All Asians are math geeks, all blacks are all-stars, all whites are the lazy slobs that put gum under desks, etc).

I am NEVER the shallow guy, the guy that only goes for a fling, one night stands, or just in it to hit it. No. I'm a bit of a "lazy romantic", preferring cuddling on the couch with bad movies, popcorn, and cuddles. I've grown to kind of withdraw from those who're simply skin-deep, and only want me for my looks or to brag about having me in the bedroom.

Most guys I've presented this problem to would LOVE to be in my position: Ask any girl into the bedroom and she'll practically jump in the damn door throwing her clothes off.

But I'm not like that! I don't want shallow women! I want someone that actually gives a damn!

And that's who I found. Since I don't want to take any risks (her actually visiting this site, and if she recognizes my name, I'm still screwed; her friends visiting this site, etc), I will not reveal her name. Anyway, she's everything I love in a girl:
-She's not one of those girls that wants to go out on a date every night, treated like a goddess with flowers and candle-light baths and $800 perfume samples.
-She's attractive. Very attractive. Cute cute cute cute. She doesn't wear any makeup at all. She respects herself, and she takes care of herself. Jogging, biking, eating healthy, staying on a good sleep schedule, doing well in school, etc.
-She's got a great, relatable sense of humor; Hyper (like me), giggly (like me), likes to make fun of actors in movies (like me), plus a ton of other things I could list off, but what I've said suffices I hope.
-Partly relating to the first thing I listed: She's simple! And here's why!

What she wants for Valentine's Day: A big, fluffy, frog plushy, Taco Bell dinner, and green roses (I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT THESE THINGS EXISTED). That's it.
When I asked her how she could be so simple, and showing my flabbergasted-ness, she simply scoffed and giggled at how "you could buy me a Taco Bell burrito, stick a candle in it, hand it to me for my birthday cake, and I'd be completely happy with it" with lots of giggles and smiles and crumbs (we were sharing a muffin when she told me this).

The big problem...s.

1: She's taken. Boyfriend of four years (best friend of hers prior to those four years).
2: I have absolutely no flippin' idea what to do. Ask her out (my only real option)? Nope, see problem #1.

The slightest quote unquote "plan" that I have is to:

-Casually approach her where she normally share our lunch together (she's new to the school, while her boyfriend stayed in a separate school district when she moved here due to family issues).
-Take out a heart-shaped box of chocolates.
-Tell her that I've nothing to do with them, since I don't really want anything for Valentine's Day, and ask if she'd like to share.
-If yes: Open the chocolates and munch away, chatting as usual.
-If no: Casually accept it with a grin and devour the chocolate with the over-used cliché of "more for me!".

NOW BEFORE YOU GET ALL UP IN MY FACE WITH "Omg! Don't get inbetween relationships! That's wrong of you! Leave it alone!".

YES. I know, I know. I am HIGHLY RESPECTFUL of ANYONE'S relationships. I know this more than the majority of... Well, everyone. I've been cheated on before, and I was devastated. I would never want to put another human being through the emotional torture, agony, turmoil, and pain (synonyms ftw) as I have been through. I try to be EVERYONE's friend.

I will NEVER interfere with one, and this one is no such exception. I will do nothing with her other than be a friend that she shares lunch with, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be more than that.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of advice, Basil. Not some all-knowing power that will give me a bloody step-by-step guide to win her over and have her love me forever printed in purple ink. I just want a point in the right direction, and having eyes that are unclouded by my own emotions, past experiences, and without bias, is generally a good thing.

Basil lurker,

Riley.

February 13, 2013

25 Comments • Newest first

Ecyz

Stopped reading at "'Tis". She's taken, man the hell up you damn fruitloop, and smarten up while you're at it. You don't try to steal someone's girlfriend (chances are you'll fail).
Don't you know the bro-code?

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
trashed

So you think just because it's Valentines Day that it's acceptable to randomly confess your love to this girl who's already in a longterm committed relationship? Lol k, keep living in your delusional world then.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
ZombieOverlord

OP, stop being a homewrecker.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
pinoymystic

I must say, this is quite selfish of you.
And I read it yes. But you still state the alternative that you want to ask her out. Don't even think about it.
Does she even have feelings for you? Why bother? Why waste your time? And this girl isn't setting you up for a goose chase. Some people just don't talk so much about their boyfriend because they're shy and they just want their lovelife to be personal.
So do yourself a favor and just try to get out of that situation as possible and just stay her friend.
Just don't have feelings for her. Realize, if you really love/like her, you would be happy for her since she has a boyfriend. And a boyfriend that they've been going out with for four years at that.
Don't ever have the mindset that, "Oh gosh, you know what, I think I really like this girl and if I wait until she breaks up with her boyfriend, I want her to go out with me."
Realize that is the most selfish mindset ever. Can't you see that she just broke up with her boyfriend and all you can do is think about yourself and her? What if they actually were going to be together until they get married? That's why, it's best to just be happy that she's in a relationship with a guy she loves. I really dislike these kinds of people the most. I don't like the idea that people who really like a person that's in a relationship would still press onwards until they break up with their significant other. If you immediately think something is gonna happen to you and her, it's not. That's the reality. She's going to have to get over her break up and etc. So please, do yourself a favor and try to not chase after her. Just be a friend. And if you do tell her these things, you might lose her as a friend and that's even worse. She won't even be in your life anymore. I know so because when I had guy friends and they confessed to me when I got a boyfriend, I told them straight out that I don't want to be with them nor do I wanna be friends with them anymore. It's just going to be awkward. So just think this over and realize the consequences.
It's best to look for another girl. there might be other better girls than her. You never know.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Alcides

Cry about it.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
MistFTW

There are two possible reasons as to why she might tell you she has a boyfriend:
1. She actually does have a boyfriend.
2. She's lying about the boyfriend, but is also aware of your feelings and therefore doesn't you want to pursue this relationship.
If it's the first scenario, stop right there. Just move on. It'll be hard, but you have to do it. If it's the second scenario, don't do anything either. Her lying obviously has some sort of reason behind it. So no matter the scenario, you cannot possibly ask her out. Then again, if you want to ask her out as a friend, that'd be fine, but it doesn't seem like you want this. If she's really the girl you described, then she sounds like a really nice girl. But that doesn't get rid of the possibility that she might cheat. If she cheats on her possible boyfriend, then she can cheat on you too. Now, I'm not going to give you the super cliche advice "OMG DON'T GET IN BETWEEN THEM" that you specifically we not say, but think about what you're doing if you actually "intercept". There are times when backing off is necessary, and I'd say this is one such time. Sometimes, we just have to swallow what we feel and just admit that some things aren't meant to happen. But since she told you what she actually wants for birthdays/Valentine's Day, I'd say she's fairly close to you. Don't ruin that. Just remember, what is said cannot be unsaid. Kudos, though, for saying you don't want to inflict the same type of pain onto anybody else.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
JKidd

[quote=Zunoku]
1) Be her friend, and stay her friend, with her knowing that I like her moreso than that. She has a boyfriend, and if she wants to stay friends with me, I'm fine with that.[/quote]
Once certain things are said, there's no turning back and the above is one of them. Once she knows you like her more than just a friend is more or less going to impact her. If her relationship is solid, it won't have its effect yet but if they get a little shaky and know you still like her that way, that thought will interfere with her decision making and her ability to properly handle the situation.

[b]Bottomline:[/b] You either don't confess and keep the current friendship going or just move on from her.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Zunoku

[quote=lmm616]Honestly, i know this much, if you tell her you're attracted to her, it won't change anything, if at all it'll make it awkward between you two. You should wait (if ever) for them to break up, and then go in.[/quote]

Well thanks for being honest And... Well. I'm naturally an awkward guy, so that isn't much of a problem, but I do get what you mean.
As for the waiting part, I understand, but the breakup, I'm not sure I can. Being broken up myself, I'd give it at least a month (more or less, depending on the situation) before I were to try and start anything. If they're broken up for good, then I'll incline towards being there for her. If they're just separated to get a break of eachother, collect their thoughts, etc, I'd let their emotions cool off and let them talk things out first before I were to intervene.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
lmm616

Honestly, i know this much, if you tell her you're attracted to her, it won't change anything, if at all it'll make it awkward between you two. You should wait (if ever) for them to break up, and then go in.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Zunoku

[quote=WontPostMuch]Would you listen to yourself? You're telling a girl you're into her when she's taken. What on earth are you hoping to accomplish by that? No, seriously, what good could come from that? At "best" you screw over some other dude and get into a relationship with her. Okay fine, but that was a selfish and reckless move and what kind of girl just randomly dumps her 4 year relationship because some other dude wants a shot?

At worst you catch her in a vulnerable time. She's in a rocky part of her relationship, you come along, she's emotional, she has disputes with her bf and winds up having a fling with you or something. Then what? She'll be in emotional shambles or jeopardizing her trust with her bf. It's a very, very selfish move. You don't accomplish anything that's not selfish by telling what's on your mind. It's fine if you're into her if you know when to keep your mouth shut and your emotions at bay. It's cool to be there for her and maybe be an option along the way.

It's definitely NOT cool to make her have to choose between you and her established bf, even if hopefully it isn't much of a choice for her. It's unfair to spring that on anybody, let alone a supposedly cherished friend. Seriously dude, I am not backing down from this. What you're asking for is v messed up and it's even worse that you're pretending it isn't.[/quote]

Dude. Calm down. I'm not forcing her to choose at all, or do ANYTHING at all, other than know what's going through my own skull. I'm giving myself these options, which you either missed, or misinterpreted what I was trying to convey:
1) Be her friend, and stay her friend, with her knowing that I like her moreso than that. She has a boyfriend, and if she wants to stay friends with me, I'm fine with that.
2) With the scenario that you've given (sad after fight with boyfriend), back off and stay her friend, but if worst comes to worst, I'd be there for her and work towards a more meaningful relationship that just friends.

I'm not some dumbass that hounds a chance at a girl I want. If I was in the dude's shoes, I would LOVE to have a guy that wouldn't immediately bed my girlfriend of four years that I just had an argument with.
Wouldn't you? If you had a girlfriend you've had for a good quarter of your life have an argument with you, then go to her trusted guy friend, would you honestly want that friend of hers to take her to the bedroom or steal her? If you're sane (which I know you are), the answer would be no. You'd want the guy to play in your favor and be smart, and possibly help get your relationship back on track.

[quote=metaghost4]@Zunoku: If she's pessimistic like Sally is, you're in big trouble. She'll decline the gesture and assume that you're getting in between her and her boyfriend, hence you'll friendship of her will be over. Regardless, I think you should be able to do it. In fact, I believe you should tell her how you feel and tell her not to worry about her relationship. I believe when people feel mutually close together and one of them develops feelings for the other, the person should confess their emotions. Hiding emotions from emotions from each other isn't good even for a relationship (theoretically).[/quote]

I'm sorry... Sally...? I'm not entirely sure I follow.. Maybe that's a story of your own?

Anyway, she's far from pessimistic. Never seen without a smile, always giggling, and the only time I've seen her without a bright attitude and personality is when she accepted my offer of buying her a second muffin (double chocolate), and got a stomach ache afterwards and fell asleep in English.
And thanks for the input, I'll give it a shot.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
WontPostMuch

[quote=metaghost4]@Zunoku: If she's pessimistic like Sally is, you're in big trouble. She'll decline the gesture and assume that you're getting in between her and her boyfriend, hence you'll friendship of her will be over. Regardless, I think you should be able to do it. In fact, I believe you should tell her how you feel and tell her not to worry about her relationship. I believe when people feel mutually close together and one of them develops feelings for the other, the person should confess their emotions. Hiding emotions from emotions from each other isn't good even for a relationship (theoretically).[/quote]

Dude, of all people that should not be giving advice, you're prime among them. I hate to have to nag at you at every thread but when you're very clearly very misguided in your own friendships and are still piecing your life together, giving someone else advice is very stupid. There's a quote from the Bible that warns of the blind leading the blind. It's not a good thing. Get your life fixed up, learn how to handle delicate situations first and then give advice.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
ghfusd

I don't think you can do anything by tomorrow but you could always be there for her (all the while not being friend zoned) and then pounce when they're done.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
JaydenVo

For now, it's best to keep your distance. If she's happy, let her be. BUT it can't hurt to learn more about this boyfriend of hers, right?
During your chats, casually slip in the "What are you doing for Valentine's with your boyfriend?" and pry a bit of info out of her lol. This'll probably help lead you into the right direction.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
WontPostMuch

[quote=Zunoku]^Read^. How come when I ask for advice to simply make a girl know what's going on inside my head, and she has a boyfriend, it suddenly turns into me trying to steal her?[/quote]

Would you listen to yourself? You're telling a girl you're into her when she's taken. What on earth are you hoping to accomplish by that? No, seriously, what good could come from that? At "best" you screw over some other dude and get into a relationship with her. Okay fine, but that was a selfish and reckless move and what kind of girl just randomly dumps her 4 year relationship because some other dude wants a shot?

At worst you catch her in a vulnerable time. She's in a rocky part of her relationship, you come along, she's emotional, she has disputes with her bf and winds up having a fling with you or something. Then what? She'll be in emotional shambles or jeopardizing her trust with her bf. It's a very, very selfish move. You don't accomplish anything that's not selfish by telling what's on your mind. It's fine if you're into her if you know when to keep your mouth shut and your emotions at bay. It's cool to be there for her and maybe be an option along the way.

It's definitely NOT cool to make her have to choose between you and her established bf, even if hopefully it isn't much of a choice for her. It's unfair to spring that on anybody, let alone a supposedly cherished friend. Seriously dude, I am not backing down from this. What you're asking for is v messed up and it's even worse that you're pretending it isn't.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
deadlyzombie

[b]She's taken[/b].
That should be more than enough to tell you that you should just keep it at friendship level or rather the way it is right now. Keep it at that

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Zunoku

[quote=icemage11]I read it all.

First thing that comes to mind is, of course, leave her alone because she's already in a relationship. Especially when it's been 4 years.

Some questions: Has she ever talked to you about her boyfriend? Are they in a good place right now or a bit rocky? How much do you value your friendship with her?

To put it simply, there are only 2 things you can do. 1) Tell her how you feel Ask her if you might have a chance with her. If she wants to be friends then respect that and move on. I'm sure you'll find someone else! Or 2) Don't say anything and just be her friend.[/quote]

She has only told me what I've posted: Boyfriend. Four years. Friends prior to their relationship. I don't even know his name, what he looks like, or if he even exists and she's making him up to lure me into a wild goose chase.

I highly value my friendship with her; Moreso than others. She's probably one of the perhaps... Five people that I can be completely and totally open with, without hesitation, shyness, or fear.

1) That much I can do; I'll give it a shot. But... On the 'someone else' part, that sadly won't happen. Long story short: Ex-girlfriend. Rumors. Lies.
2) It's enough to be friends for me, even if I would love to be more. I'm not greedy, I don't want to force anything.

Thanks for replying

[quote=WontPostMuch]I don't care what you said at the end. The rest of your thread reads "I am basically trying to steal this dude's gf away from him but I realize it's a jerk move so can we all just pretend I'm not asking for advice on how to steal a girl? It's okay guys, I respect relationships!" Not v convincing.[/quote]

^Read^. How come when I ask for advice to simply make a girl know what's going on inside my head, and she has a boyfriend, it suddenly turns into me trying to steal her?

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Mermaid

You're a romantic? Write her a poem. Be the next Coleridge!

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
evilslasher

Fresh eyes? Leave her alone. Seriously, you guys are friends, she's taken, leave it at that. You're trying to push, when you know you shouldn't be. This isn't asking us for advice I'd say; it's asking us for a confirmation.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
WontPostMuch

[quote=Zunoku]Read the ending, s'il vous plait. Although I am respectful, I would highly appreciate some advice on how I should portray what I've said here to her without looking like a complete idiot that's trying to wrench her from her boyfriend.[/quote]

I don't care what you said at the end. The rest of your thread reads "I am basically trying to steal this dude's gf away from him but I realize it's a jerk move so can we all just pretend I'm not asking for advice on how to steal a girl? It's okay guys, I respect relationships!" Not v convincing.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
zentai

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyA6ucsD2Bc

Perfect example.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
icemage11

I read it all.

First thing that comes to mind is, of course, leave her alone because she's already in a relationship. Especially when it's been 4 years.

Some questions: Has she ever talked to you about her boyfriend? Are they in a good place right now or a bit rocky? How much do you value your friendship with her?

To put it simply, there are only 2 things you can do. 1) Tell her how you feel Ask her if you might have a chance with her. If she wants to be friends then respect that and move on. I'm sure you'll find someone else! Or 2) Don't say anything and just be her friend.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Zunoku

[quote=WontPostMuch]>"I am HIGHLY RESPECTFUL of ANYONE'S relationships"
>asks to do something more

Jesus OP you're so deluded it's hilarious and pathetic.[/quote]

Read the ending, s'il vous plait. Although I am respectful, I would highly appreciate some advice on how I should portray what I've said here to her without looking like a complete idiot that's trying to wrench her from her boyfriend.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
WontPostMuch

>"I am HIGHLY RESPECTFUL of ANYONE'S relationships"
>asks to do something more

Jesus OP you're so deluded it's hilarious and pathetic.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
Zunoku

[quote=lookelsewhere]corny.[/quote]

Can you elucidate? o.o My definition of 'corny' must differ from yours, because I'm sure there are things much cornier than this.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited
irockudontz

tl;dr
lols

Edit: She is taken but you can be the guy that is always there for her (don't get friend zoned). When she breaks up with her boyfriend or she gets dumped, jump in and do the romancing...
Otherwise there are other fish in the sea and just move on.

Reply February 13, 2013 - edited