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Writer Nomination Submission

i bet half are you are like wuuut, and i bet the majority wont read it at all, but here i am. I'm censoring out alot of it with _______ MOD's, so it should be good to go. if it isn't will you please tell me and I'll correct it or take down the post instead of ban please.

a bit about the excerpt: this is part of a bigger novel I'm currently working on, its a sci-fi/fantasy/pulp-fiction genre homage novel. this part the protagonist is with his 'Famila' or the Mafioso's he has to associate with in order to conduct his business with his real boss, the doctor. takes place in 1986. its also been heavily edited because I'm posting it on basil.

the main protagonist, as well most of his associates are drug addicts. they are also in Columbia, i have yet to put in the Spanish translations, consider everyone but Nino to be speaking in spanish, sorry for some punctuation errors its just I've been readying and editing this post for about an hour already. <3 you basil

7. The Boss

Later at night I'm sitting in Emilio's den with Nino and Emilio. Emilio's den is mostly his office, although he really does no work here, he just brings people here to talk quietly; Or play videogames. The Den is dark oak with lots of gold and red everywhere, lots of plants and decorations, not to mention family photo's, a huge aquarium and piano, a custom liquor cabinet and matching humidor, and the classic Greek style art; Emilio's wife Cora designed the whole house I think, obviously very diligently... like she has OCD... or probably was on a lot of prescribed medication. Before this me and Emilio were walking alone, he was showing me his recreation-painting of Nicholas Poussin's 1635 Helios and Phaeton with Saturn and the Four Seasons that he hung in the winding-stair. I'm still drinking gin while listening to the conversation of the distraught Emilio and his Gun-Ho son talk about Jacinda's fiance and the 'goings-ons' having to do with Carlitos:
"he's a ______ _______" Emilio says, clear in his prejudice ways.
"what do you think about him Alfred?" Nino asks me, clearing his throat.
"I told her not to marry him, to marry an Italian is disgraceful" Emilio snarls, cutting me off/answering for me.
"Never met the guy" I say already laughing, Emilio's face is stern as can be in his judgment on this man, lighting a cigarette.
"Cinda doesn't give a ____ about what you say Papa, she isn't your blood"
"well..." stutters Emilio.
"what are you going to do when it comes time for the wedding?" Nino continues to egg him on.
"shut up" Emilio snaps, and at that moment I realize that Jacinda and Emilio are not on the best terms right now due to Emilio's racial prejudices, and that I probably should have noticed that earlier..., which prompts me to think that's the reason Sinda got me tipsy at dinner...
"Alright Father, and Carlitos?"
"Kill him"
"Father?" Nino protests in a whine.
"I want him dead, Nino! You will not do this while under me!"
"but think of the money!"
"Do you understand what this man has done? I want him dead! Or I'll get rid of you!" he's now pushing Nino out of the room
"Father please"
"Get out, talk to Marcelo" he pushes Niño fully out of the door and shuts it, Nino leers for a bit longer and then leaves. I may have already explained some of this but recently the modern approach to underground crime syndicates changes everything for Emilio, he try to hold his values true to his long family line, the mafioso code, the Omert� , but he knows this isn't that same time period anymore, things change; he is stubborn, he wants to go back to how it was, the family, the hierarchy; but it wont ever go back, he sees his empire declining, its a sad state of affairs. Nino recognizes this of course, and wants to do something about it, but Emilio wants to keep his pride, something about that is admirable, but something about it also just isn't realistic.
"_______. Pulling cargo hits here, Nino says we shouldn't kill Carlitos, but put him to work"
"what happened?' I question.
"that trouble earlier, that's the reason I couldn't pick you up... The Doctor has some serious issues with this. And I agree."
"and the police?" I ask.
"locals paid off, I've not heard from feds"
"this happened at the bay?"
"yea. They drove off leaving half of they're men dead from a firefight on the boat, then continuing the firefight in the streets" a shamed look on his face.
"Jesus, was it Marcelo's men?"
"Carlitos, it was Carlitos!" he says in hurried tone, making me get it right-in-my-head.
"...no wonder Nino doesn't want him dead" I say now realizing, sort-of-empathetic.
"i don't give a______, starting war zones in my city, he'll get my wrath" he says pissed.
"what will you do about another Capodecina?"
"...I'll find one" I think to myself in a few year Raoul will be a perfect candidate, though I won't say that out loud. Carlito's was a Capo under Emilio until today, where he not only failed to stop a robbery of Emilio's things that he was supposed to keep safe, but then created a massacre in the streets trying to get that cargo back, I assume it was either ______ or ______; now I bet Carlito's is locked up in The Doctors lair somewhere, probably going to be experimented on, although... what's been done is awful, I can see the look on Emilio's face...
"so whats the information with my brother and Majow?" he questions, changing the subject he has hard swallowing.
"Later this month I should be meeting with him"
"and what about Mother?" he questions?
"what do you mean?"
"you want me to show you something?" he says in a low voice.
"potential's?" I assume.
"yes" he relays.
"my eyes are open" I say, and we proceed.
He moves over to the desk in his chair (quite lazily I might add), to get out a folder, he rolls his way back to me and hands it to me. The first page in the files contain pictures of different objects, at first they seem completely random, but on the second page they are assembled into a type of body-armor; its defiantly not for human use, prompting the question:
"where is this from?"
"The Doctors next victim. Soon he'll speak with Mother, and soon he'll take what he wants, and your an extension of his hand" he says obviously-insinuating.
"what is it?"
"supposedly its a Beast, and that the armor it wears is even more terrifying than the beast itself" he says in a darker tone.
"really?" generally interested, waiting for him to continue:
"I'm not sure, but the doctor told me to show you that" he says laughing, dialing the telephone for the maid.
I look at the files some more as Emilio orders a bunch of food (mostly deserts), I see that the doctor is prospecting some particular items. This beasts armor is like nothing I've ever seen, the beast can burrow down into the ground, and the armor will do everything else for it, take care of everything, so it can go into a type of premature-hibernation where you age more slowly. The armors medical and offensive abilities are absolutely breathtaking. Think about a hermit crab, these animals find shells and live in them, its kind of like that, accept this is a advanced alien lifeforms that lives in a AI operated armor suit. I'm reading about the capabilities this suit of armor has and there are too many to go into now.
I hear Emilio ordering a bunch of food, obviously he plans for us to chat awhile. I see him making a drink at the bar, talking about going to Vegas again, 'it's almost April you know, we go every April', and I laugh when he knocks over a container of sugar cubes being clumsy at making drinks.
"____" he says, and then waves his hand at it. "leave it for the maid" he says, slumping back into his chair. He prompts me to come to the NEC PC-8801 computer & desk and sit next to him. The game we play: Hydelide, although this is the Japanese version, luckily we can both read it.
He starts the game up, and I thought it was only the title screen, but the same music plays throughout the game constantly. I pour myself some Jack Daniels.
"this first part, I kept dying when I first started to play, I sucked. You have to level up your skills as well" Emilio says
"how do you fight?"
"you have to hold attack (CTRL) and then run up to them its weird"
"Games I've played are a lot different" I say.
"I've leveled up to level two, now I have to find a cross and kill a vampire" I watch him play while getting stoned, very interesting.
"I need to kill these guys in this purple maze." I see them, big an dark purple as I expected. "My experience goes up too slow" Maricela walks in with a attitude followed momentarily by the maid:
"Hey" she says not looking at me, tugging the cigar out of my hand. She smiles and then just stands there, half looking at what Emilio is doing and half I think snarling at the maid, who seems to be taking her time preparing the food, I see BBQ sandwiches and flan among other things being set on the table, Jesus Christ.
I'm watching Emilio make his way to get the cross, he moves really fast, so do the enemy's, he's telling me 'its best to hit people in the back, and never get hit in the back', which kind of puts a tactical spin on this somewhat...extremely monotonous game. The maid starts to clean the sugar after she pours him some Darjeeling tea with honey in it.
I'm watching Emilio trying to fight the vampire, first he keeps getting killed by the bats, then the vampire 1hit KO's him, and he has to revert to his last save.
"How can you guys read this ____?" Maricela says, we don't answer. A little bit later:
"yea! How can you read all those stupid-lines?" Nino yells out wildly and sarcastically, apparently he is in here now as well.
Emilio pauses the game and turns to them stating 'Not much to read on the screen my children', after this he returns to the game, getting pissed when he fails yet again at the attempt to turn the vampire and stab him in the back: "God _____!"
meanwhile Nino looks widely at Maricela then divulges:
"where are you going?" he gloats with a smug attitude.
"out"
"where?"
"why do you care?" she says.
"with who?"
"no one you know" she eyes him and looks away.
"can I come?" he says, she smiles.
"no!" she pushes him.
"you look like the most popularist kid in high school"
she burst out laughing, looking at him weirdly for him strange/broken English pronunciation.
"well, what do you think Alfred?" Nino says.
"ready to go to the club?" I question her.
"Your not invited" she says, I make a pouting face; Nino holding his hands over her in a suggestive manner, playing-showing me her body like a pimp, she looks amazing, beautiful as ever, I'm kind of stunned... I probably should take more initiative into caring about Emilio's family, I don't even know Papa's real name, or Nino's real name for that matter, that's the worst one {ha ha ha}
"what do you think Alfred? Shall we discuss business?" to my surprise Maricela is not offended by the joke but actually laughs at it, thank god for____, it seems like she grew out of her pre-teen/teen stuffiness, because when she was littler I remember she was a bit mean.
"the price?"
"Alfred you'll never get this" she kisses Emilio on the head, the blows kisses to me and Nino as she leaves the room. As she walked out the door I realized Rodrigo is sitting on the couch in the back, he is smoking the last of the cigar, getting pestered by Nino:
"Rodrigo I think its time we talk business" Nino says.
"uh oh" I add in.
"what is it sire?" the old man say calmly.
"O' Rodrigo! How many o' geewlden coin you have fer me today?" putting his foot on the couch arm and then rests his elbow on that knee, like a voyager, casting away.
Immediately after Nino says this, the old man produces a smile on his.
"give me a line."

Drunk

even later in the night I'm really drunk, I've been kind of drunk all day so I have a pretty bad headache, I've just got done _________ so it has subsided now somewhat, my ____ intake today has my mind fuddled and inattentive, my vision blurry, my inhibition gone. I've been drinking a lot of water in attempts to sober up before I have to see the doctor, who has still not emerged from his lair, its now 10PM..., or 12PM, I'm looking at my watch but I cant tell yet, my vision is shaking around, I'll wait a bit and check again. The water and food isn't really helping.
Now I'm watching Raoul play Hydelide. Emilio stands right behind him giving his grandsons pointers, but Raoul has surpassed Emilio's old-timer hand-eye-coordination skills in no time, instead, Raoul decided to beef up some more before he decided to take on the vampire by running around and killing more minions.
My throat aches from the _____ and so do my eyes, I actually need to get new glasses, my eyes have no pigmentation in them, so I have to wear prescription glasses gave to me by the doctor, and in brighter light, clip-on prescription shades. This process was done to me and only me, it allows me to see in all types of light, and allows me to see certain types of light waves and e-waves, I'll talk about that later. I want more _____. Maricela walks in as I'm massaging my eyes, shes also strung out:
"daddy, can my friend Roberto come in here and bring____?"
"what? Of course not, tell to leave"
"But he has really goo-o-od ____', and he'll share" she stretches out the o's, batting her eyes and smiling cheerfully, he eventually succumbs to his only daughters wishes:
"tell him not to talk to much" Emilio demands, I start to laugh. Emilio and Maricela shoot me a fast glance {jeez} and after that I'm left to stare at Emilio's dark red oak desk, which sits a picture of the Ortega family when they where young, Nino was a teenager, Maricela a baby girl, Cora and Emilio look young and rich: a happy family; next to this stands statuette's of Talos and Heracles.
This Kid walks in as I am positioned sitting near Raoul at the computer desk, Emilio standing right behind his chair and next adjacent to me. The couch to the right of all of us against the wall (above, a recreation painting of Henryk Siemiradzki's 1889, Phryne at the Festival of Poseidon in Eleusin) Maricela and him sit there and start to load a tall bong. I want to check out his ______ but I don't want to walk over there. Watching Raoul, he guts the vampire with ease on his first try, using a turn undead spell and stabbing him in the back twice. I don't really dig this game... Emilio is quite excited at this predicament. Then the Kid decides to hand Emilio the_____ next, seeing as he is the boss. Emilio only places a cigar in from of the Kid, not even looking at him he says:
"to my daughter" The Kid hands it to her immediately, I chuckle. Raoul get the lantern, which allows him to see in dark caves... After a bit he rolls a cigar and we all take turns smoking it out on the patio, this Kid is dressed in really tight vibrantly colored clothes and proceeds to keep his aviator-glasses on when its pitch black at night, he's kind of dressed like a homosexual, and the only things he has talked about is his ____ and how his family could be considered "protected" {what does that mean?}. Emilio goes in before everyone else, saying he is going to bed, telling me to talk to Cinda when I go inside. I stand out in the cold with them awhile longer and listen to Nino wisecrack to the Kid...Nino..., what a______ maniac. Awkward themes progress into the night...
"Emilio said to talk to you" I'm in Jacinda's room, she is organizing papers at her desk and getting ready to take a bath and go to bed. I want to ask her about the whole thing having to do with her wedding and Emilio, but I would rather not this night.
"the doctor's been waiting for you"
"how long?" I ask, damn, I need to get my briefcase from my room. I'm too strung out...
"you should probably go see him now" she says.
"alright, goodnight"
"are you leaving tomorrow?"
"yea"
"we'll I'll see you when I see you" she says, a very tired echo looms in her voice. We hug and I proceed to get my briefcase. Then I walk down to the titanium-blast-doors at the very bottom of the cellar in the main part of the house and press the intercom button.
"hello Alfred" Kianna says to me, I prepare...

EDIT:

i may need to clarify that this is a highly stylistic piece, its all prose, experimental. the term i use i slang, because its written in first person from someone who speaks in all slang. i stylized the wording to give a feeling of strange tentativeness and a monotonous flavor, think beyond your box of punctuation, and instead let it create a mood for you.

Bret Easton Ellis

Philip. K. D.

Mark Danielweski

Cormac McCarthy would be good references for these styles

December 26, 2010

10 Comments • Newest first

pinoymystic

Wayyyy too much to read.

Sorry, I always looked at sparknotes.

Is there a sparknotes for this ?

Reply December 27, 2010
HouseRedoran

[quote=Benighted]that's biased Jackie, your posts are far too short.

But really, the story does have way too much dialect and I could barely make it through because I couldn't stand the grammatical errors.[/quote]

I'm sorry, can you please read the edit i made at the bottom of the thread, it might help clear up things a bit

Reply December 26, 2010
HouseRedoran

[quote=Zigen]It's soo long ;_;
why do you write things that are sooo long Aaron[/quote]

heyo

up der, at da top, it says, excerpt from a novel.

know what dat means?

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
TopMushroom

None of you even read it!

Mod's need to publish this. Or sticky

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
HouseRedoran

[quote=mippon]hey hey
you misused semi colons, and your sentences are quite wordy

Later at night I'm sitting in Emilio's den with Nino and Emilio. Emilio's den is mostly his office, although he really does no work here, he just brings people here to talk quietly ()or play videogames. The Den is dark oak with lots of gold and red everywhere, lots of plants and decorations, not to mention family photo()s, a huge aquarium and piano, a custom liquor cabinet and matching humidor, and the classic Greek style art.() Emilio's wife Cora designed the whole house I think, obviously very diligently- ()like she has OCD-() or probably was on a lot of prescribed medication.

=p I put () where ive revised a punctuation mark..
hm you also repeat 'den' and 'emilio' a lot, which while understandable is kinda redundant to read. have you noticed your sentences all start with either emilio or the den?[/quote]

i may need to clarify that this is a highly stylistic piece, its all prose, experimental. the term i use i slang, because its written in first person from someone who speaks in all slang. i stylized the wording to give a feeling of strange tentativeness and a monotonous flavor, think beyond your box of punctuation, and instead let it create a mood for you.

Bret Easton Ellis

Philip. K. D.

Mark Danielweski

Cormac McCarthy would be good references for these styles

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
geek

[quote=Zigen]It's soo long ;_;
why do you write things that are sooo long Aaron[/quote]

yea aaron. Why?

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
ClementZ

What are those blanks supposed to mean?

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
darkgrudge88

Grammar mistakes everywhere.

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
ZombieOverlord

Too much dialogue, needs more narrative.
And I didn't even read it.

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited
geek

Because I totally read that, right?

Reply December 26, 2010 - edited