General

[quote=IRoseliaI]I think you might have missed the mark a bit. The first half of paragraph starting from "Like other cities [...]" to "[...] anyone can sit next to anyone" is extremely choppy and the sentences don't link together. You mention socioeconomic backgrounds in the first sentence without giving any examples. Then in the next sentence, you have what seems to be your thesis, which doesn't relate to the first sentence at all. Then, you mention a "melting pot" but again, you don't expand on this idea or provide evidence of why you think NY is a melting pot.
In the second half of your paragraph, starting with "In this vehicle [...]" up to the end, you have a lengthy description of what a commuter might observe on daily basis on the subway, but that's it really. It's a description. You've given the reader the "what" and the "where", but there isn't much on "why" or "how" this is a community. You need to explain why the existence of a subway is a central part of your community. How does it affect the daily lives of the commuters? Does it bring the community members closer together because of their shared physical proximity?
If anything, the tone of your paper suggests that the subway is anything but a community - everyone sounds rushed and alienated almost.[/quote]

I disagree. This isn't an english paper, so a thesis isn't really needed. In fact, the paper can sound entirely colloquial, as long as it shows the college what type of person I am. I wanted to describe the system, and list myself at the end as a faceless member of the system. Hence, "I am just anyone." But, I WILL be working on organizing my essay better.
The "community" is just people who share the train. "Rushed and alienated"? That's what everyone is. They aren't really interacting, but are merely brought together by the train to paint a picture of contrast between members of the community. Even in the prompt, lt says to "choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it." That's what I did. I described what to expect from a set of train commuters.

melting pot: lt's what new york is known as.

I'll try to get those points across more in the essay^

Edit: @XcoldshadowX No can do. I need to submit this ASAP because it's a rolling app. The lack of organization might just be a result of my 4AM mind not making sense. (I've been working for the past 16 hours with 2 30 minutes breaks). But yeah, I understand what you mean by taking things as literally as possible. It's okay to be colloquial, but not too colloquial in this case.

Edit 2:

Thank you everyone, I think I've gotten all the input I needed! Locking thread.

[quote=supernoob]@XcoldshadowX
I'm really bad at writing college essays. The prompt is pre-established, so I thought it was okay to be a little broad in my intro sentence. Plus, I have to do this within 250 words, which isn't much room.

Melting pot comment: So do you mean I should just get rid of the quotes?

Barriers: I'm not sure how to elaborate on this

Will work on fixing up examples

gone through --> experienced? I got too colloquial there.

Edit: They're not barriers, perse, but you just wouldn't find certain kinds of people together.[/quote]

Your sentence following the mention of melting pot referred to it as a title, but I think it's more of a description. You can do what you want with the quotes.

When I read through an essay I try to take things as literally as I can. When you say something like "gone through backgrounds" I know what you're talking about, but it doesn't make grammatical sense. When you try to proofread your essay you need to put yourself in the mind of an outsider who doesn't know you or anything about NYC and is reading it for the first time.

You should see an english teacher when you have the chance. They're great for organizing your thoughts and revisions and they want to see you succeed.

I think you might have missed the mark a bit. The first half of paragraph starting from "Like other cities [...]" to "[...] anyone can sit next to anyone" is extremely choppy and the sentences don't link together. You mention socioeconomic backgrounds in the first sentence without giving any examples. Then in the next sentence, you have what seems to be your thesis, which doesn't relate to the first sentence at all. Then, you mention a "melting pot" but again, you don't expand on this idea or provide evidence of why you think NY is a melting pot.
In the second half of your paragraph, starting with "In this vehicle [...]" up to the end, you have a lengthy description of what a commuter might observe on daily basis on the subway, but that's it really. It's a description. You've given the reader the "what" and the "where", but there isn't much on "why" or "how" this is a community. You need to explain why the existence of a subway is a central part of your community. How does it affect the daily lives of the commuters? Does it bring the community members closer together because of their shared physical proximity?
If anything, the tone of your paper suggests that the subway is anything but a community - everyone sounds rushed and alienated almost.

@XcoldshadowX
I'm really bad at writing college essays. The prompt is pre-established, so I thought it was okay to be a little broad in my intro sentence. Plus, I have to do this within 250 words, which isn't much room.

Melting pot comment: So do you mean I should just get rid of the quotes?

Barriers: I'm not sure how to elaborate on this

Will work on fixing up examples

gone through --> experienced? I got too colloquial there.

Edit: They're not barriers, perse, but you just wouldn't find certain kinds of people together.

I added some comments as to what I think. I didn't get too crazy and you can take it however you want.

Like other cities, New York has citizens hailing from many different socioeconomic
backgrounds. However, everyone in the city is unified by the same mode of transportation:
the train([i]Your opening seems very broad and weak to me. I think you should really stress the amount of difference and diversity that exists in NY before introducing the train as the thing that brings everyone together [/i]). Because of the diversity of its denizens, the city has often been described as
a "melting pot." The subway is the epitome of this title ([i]Melting pot as you put it is more of a description than it is a title[/i]). No matter your status or origin,
anyone can sit next to anyone. Suddenly, within this realm, all types of pre-established
barriers are broken([i]What barriers?[/i]). In this vehicle, we all have the same experiences. A warm seat is a
sign of past life: newspapers are left on seats for other passengers to read, a bag left
behind indicates a rush to scurry off the train, and two strangers exchanging glances is a
missed opportunity to establish a connection- a story left unwritten ([i]Your examples after the colon don't follow from "a sign of past life".[/i]). You can sit next to
someone whose story is completely different from yours, whose background may be one you
have never gone through ([i]How does one go through a background?[/i]). The most affluent of the city may find themselves sitting next to
the most indigent; an aspiring artist may be situated next to a businessman ([i]If you want to talk about this then you should discuss it when you talk about the barriers-which needs to be elaborated on.[/i]). Everyone on
this train has a different story, but we are all united by this powerful metal vehicle,
this common mode of transportation. Within this edifice, I am just a commuter. I am just
anyone.

[i]I find the use of the word "we" awkward. I feel as though when you say "we" you are referring to you and the reader, but you probably want "we" to represent you and fellow residents of NYC. [/i]

@SaltyBlocks: I read xkcd, but nope, I've never seen that one. Trains just randomly came into mind because I couldn't think of any other groups/communities to associate myself with that would make a semi-interesting essay.

[quote=IRoseliaI]What was the prompt/what is this for? Is this a college admission essay?[/quote]

Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

It's a supplement!

What was the prompt/what is this for? Is this a college admission essay?

@Itachifire: I need to make it about 30 words longer and need to know what sounds off/choppy/iffy.

Uh okay i read it.