General

How to ladies

During the brief amount of time I've spent on Basil, I've noticed a trend. Very few men on Basil know how to seal the deal with the ladies! >Gasp!< Yes, shocking I know... And that's why I'm going to give you guys a few pointers if you're willing to overlook my appalling lack of Y-chromosomes.

First thing you want to do is buy a nautical telescope. I must stress that this is essential. How you gonna be peepin' on the babes if you can't even see them long range? By walking up to them? Pssh... That's like walking up to a shark while it licks its lips. It just doesn't work!

Secondly, you're going to want to grow out your chin and cheekbones. Nothing says "Yo Ho" Like well-defined mandibles. Heck, it even has the word "man" already in it! Ladies will be like "it's like he's taking a bite out of my feeeeels!" All you need after that is your standard regulation net gun and blam! Instant booty.

But let's say that you don't have masculine features. That's fine, too. You'll just have to rely a little more on being a cunning linguist. Understand that women, like the elusive spotted angler fish, love a man who is direct and confident. You gotta show her your "scallywag swag", know what I'm saying? Waltz up to her and be like "Hey babe, how's about some naked sexy time?" Then, once she's done laughing at you, you turn around and say, "Yeah, I was joking anyway..." and walk out of the room disheartened. Then do some other nondescript things, and boom! Success!

Here's five general tips to take note of before setting sail:
1) Learn to play an instrument. Ladies love tunes. I recommend an accordion, harmonica, or bagpipe. The jauntier, the better.

2) Ladies love guys who love animals. When your spearing a whale through the heart with a harpoon, be sure to rip out said heart and give it to her as a gift.

3) Ladies love guys who brag about their petty achievements. When you're talking about how you slaughtered a rival pack of brigands, be sure to be as descriptive as possible so that she gets a vivid picture of your gory awesomeness.

4) Ladies love guys who are polite and hospitable. While you're guzzling down more alcohol than an octopus has ink, keep your pinky fingers out. And be sure to vomit on the ground, not her blouse.

5) Ladies love guys who are open about their emotions. If you're on a bloody journey to take out Moby D, make sure you show her just how openly psychotic and enraged you can be with a weapon.

Good luck, and remember: Dead men tell no tales!