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Maple fanfiction - constructive criticism welcome!

Here you go. This is only the first part.

Theneva sat lazily in his wooden chair, watching his friend Segumisama train. She was still only a Veteran Adventurer to Master Adventurer, but they were always in each others company when they were both on. Sometimes he stalked her to Gallos, as he had done now, but more often than not she would wind up sitting in a chair, watching him leech friends at Skeles - for free, of course. Theneva never charged a meso for his services. It was one of the qualities that people loved in him, one that they took most advantage of, and the reason why Segumisama insisted on him not leeching her too often. "I can't believe I'm still only a Veteran. The Big-Bang was two days ago!" segz complained as Gallos around her were frozen by her magic. Theneva grinned at his friend as he cast Holy Symbol upon them both.
"Maybe it's because you're always either dojoing or stalking me" he offered. She glared at him through the ice splinters as three Gallos died simultaneously around them.
"Oh be quiet. The only reason I'm on Maple right now is because of you. You know that."
"Ditto, Seggie. I can't even remember what I used to do on Maple before I met you." That earned him a smile, but the warm fuzzy moment was broken as a Gallo spawned too close to Theneva. Immediately, Bahamut rose from his resting place in Theneva's pocket and hit the Gallo with a shot of holy magic. It wasn't enough to kill the monster though, only enrage it. The Gallopera healed it's friends and rushed towards them. Before Bahamut could issue another attack, the Gallo got too close to Segumisama. The Gallo and it's five other of it's companions were frozen solid from ice strike. Shaking off splinters of ice, Theneva turned to his red dragon and rapped him on his scaly nose. "Bah! I told you, no Kill-Stealing Seggie! She gets crappy enough EXP as it is!" The last comment earned him a dirty look from Seggie, but it was true. Gallos had been amazing exp in her 90's, but now it was waning. Bahamut, abashed, curled back up, deep into Theneva's pocket and out of sight.
A "Ping!" sounded from the sky, signaling someone appearing in their channel. A Dual Blader fell from the air right next to the two Mages, taking in Seggie's damage and Theneva's appearance. Theneva loved to play dress up, and today he wore only level 23 Magician clothing, with an apprentice hat and a beginner's wand to complete the appearance. The Duel Blader F3'd and cast his buffs. Seggie watched with a sinking feeling, knowing where this would go. Before she could ask him to politely change channels, the Duel Blader launched off, killing Gallos almost instantly with three times as much damage as Seggie was dealing. "Hey, can you please change channels?" Seggie tried asking, hoping maybe he was nice. As expected, the Duel Blader ignored her and continued slashing and hacking through the wooden horses. Theneva poked Bahamut, who was still curled up tightly in his pocket, but the dragon only curled up tighter, ashamed that he had hindered Seggie, and afraid of his master's anger. Theneva sighed. The Big-Bang patch had made Bahamut into more than just a mindless slave, giving him the ability to know when and when to not attack, but the dragon was also very sensitive. He sometimes skulked for hours in his master's pocket.
Theneva started to equip his high- INT clothing so he could match the Duel Blader's damage on the Gallos, but Seggie suddenly yelped. The intruder had started uppercutting the Gallos into her, and though they did not kill her, it still hurt. Theneva felt a stirring in his pocket. Bahamut was his dragon, and since Theneva was always around Seggie, so was Bahamut. The dragon had developed a fond liking to the young Ice-Lightning Mage, and he protected her when she took breaks from training. The crimson red dragon burst from Theneva's pocket with a deep roar. The Duel Blader stood, dumbfounded, as the holy dragon flew straight at him from the supposed "noob's" pocket and attacked the Gallos, diminishing the weakened beasts' numbers with ease. The Duel Blader gaped at Theneva, who had donned enough equipment so that when he cast Genesis, the holy light hit everything within a thirty foot radius, killing all the monsters instantly. Confronted by the angry Bahamut and faced with an unstoppable Genesis, the Duel Blader stammered out an apology and hastily changed channels.
"He's not going to get far. Bahamut!" Theneva cried. The dragon stopped circling around the wounded Seggie and flew to his master's side. He hovered at attention, waiting for his master's command. "Follow him. KS him. Let others see what happens when someone tries to KS Seggie." Bahamut dipped his great head in response, and took flight, changing channels to stalk and KS the DB who had so foolishly intruded upon the duo's training session. Theneva quickly called the green healing aura and concentrated as Seggie's wounds disappeared. She winced and cast ice strike, freezing the Gallos around them, the shards spreading 15-feet in each direction. "Thanks."
Theneva pulled out his blue chair and sat down again, patiently waiting for Bahamut's return, occasionally casting Holy Symbol and Heal on himself and Segumisama.
The sun dipped lower, giving the abandoned amusement park an eerie atmosphere. It had been well over an hour since Bahamut had left, and Theneva was getting antsy. The dragon sometimes got confused; what if he ended up lost? Technically, Theneva knew that Bahamut could not survive indefinitely without him. He powered Bahamut, not the other way around. If the dragon's power got low, it would return to Theneva's side. Technically, it was impossible for the dragon to get lost. Him and Bahamut had an unbreakable link where the dragon would always be able to find it's way back home.
"Seggie" Theneva's voice betrayed his nervousness. Segumisama paused in her training to turn towards the bishop.
"Yeah?"
"I'm worried. About Bahamut." Most people he knew would have laughed at him. Bishops were not afraid of anything. They could heal themselves and they could practically one-hit an entire map - no one could KS them. Bishops were the most arrogant class in all of MapleStory.
"I.. I am, too." Theneva could hear the concern in his friend's voice, and felt a surge of gratefulness for his friend.
"That punk Duel Blader should have logged out by now and Bahamut should have run out of power." Generally when Theneva sent Bahamut out to KS anyone, they logged off in a hurry and as soon as they did so, Bahamut returned. But not this time.
"You don't think it's possible that he's somehow gotten himself... in danger, do you?" Seggie's suggestion was unlikely, but not impossible. Once, when Theneva had first gotten Bahamut, he had been at Skeles and sent Bahamut down to clear the bottom area of the map while he worked the top. Bahamut had been eager to please, but bit off more than he could chew. The mob of Skeles ended up nearly killing him. Theneva had felt so bad about nearly killing his companion that he hadn't sent Bahamut from his side in nearly a week. By then the dragon had gotten crotchety and disobeyed him to go train with Seggie. But that was a one-time thing. The dragon was always either with him, out on an errand he had sent him on, or with Seggie. The errands never lasted for more than a few minutes, and both he and Segumisama were here. Where was Bahamut?
"I... I don't know. I think I would have felt something, don't you?" Theneva knew that he and his dragon had a link that only Magicians and their summoned allies, whether it be Ifrit, Bahamut, or Elequines, could share. Evans and their dragons were different as they had always been able to think, while the summons of the Cygnus Knights had not, nor would they ever be able. They were a child's toy, no more capable of personality than the Dark Knight's Beholder. But Theneva and Bahamut, they were different. They had been through everything together. He would know if Bahamut was hurt, wouldn't he?
"Maybe... Have you tried summoning him again?" The Summons was the call that was felt between the Mage and their partner. Either one of them could do it. Bahamut had once used the Summons to call Theneva to Seggie's desperate side, so he could heal her.
"I've tried it twice since he left. No response either time." Darkness had completely enveloped the area now. The only light that could be seen cam from the pale blue of Segumisama's Ice Strike, and the glowing of her elemental wand.
"If he's not back by morning, we'll go after him, alright? I have to get some sleep. All this ice is getting a bit chilly. Aren't you cold?" Segumisama grinned at Theneva, who knew that his lips were beginning turning blue, a common side effect of spending the day with her. Ice-Lightning Mages were impervious to their respective elements, as were Fire-Poison Mages to their own, while Bishops were immune to the undead attacks. Theneva frowned at his blue-haired friend.
"Let's go sleep. Then we'll get up early and search Bahamut. Maybe he'll return by morning." It seemed silly, but not having Bahamut by his side worried Theneva. He was level 153, and he could out damage almost any class that wasn't a Mage, but not having Bahamut was like losing a limb. The dragon was not his slave, nor was he simply a dragon to kill monsters. He was his partner, his friend, his equal, and Theneva missed him terribly.

January 1, 2011

4 Comments • Newest first

aznpudding03

A little bland...
Maybe some varied sentence structures/lengths and better dialogue would help.

Reply January 4, 2011
SmellyBud

Can we see a fan-fiction that is a story?

Basically this is just gameplay. =.=

Reply January 4, 2011
Plusle4eva

I don't see any plot advancements. Is this a prologue?

Reply January 4, 2011
cooleo333

Great story! Your a talented writer and i can't wait for the second part. Are you going to add the rest of the story on a new thread or add it on this one?

Reply January 1, 2011 - edited