General

I sometimes get theses urges

A nice christian girl came to my door yesterday, trying to spread the word about christ. and honestly i liked her... but i got a violent urge again, that i get often... that makes me want to attack her for no reason.

i dont think my impulses are because i want to hurt ppl... I think they are more due to self destructive means, when i think about it. When ppl compliment me i have this strong urge to screw the moment up by doing something stupid.. to flatten my rising image.

When talking to a person, i have the urge to attack them because it would be the worst thing i could do and the rush of the consequences excite me.

Thats kind of what it feels like more. not because i don't like her or the ppl i'm talking to. Maybe i'm somewhat of a masochist
i think a part of me really wants to start trouble
if a cop pulls me over, i'd have a strong urge to outrun him.
thats what im starting to think the reasons are... but im not sure

its not that i don't like the feeling of being complimented.... i just gotta try to stop myself.
its like, i tend to listen to the little devil on my shoulder simply for the thrill of doing something stupid. i have a right to hurt myself... i feel bad if i hurt someone else tho
yeah its weird... and i don't really know if this is the reason
but it sounds more likely, than me wanting to hurt others or because im annoyed at ppl

it feels like i am restricting myself every time i have to suppress those urges and other urges... a part of me just wants to break away from those morals that stay my hand, and be truly free and DESTROY EVERYTHING just for the thrill of it. and one day the good guys will catch me and kill me... but it would have been a fun ride... at least, for the moment i felt free, even if it hurts and costs me everything
probably why pple like to get drunk or do drugs... cuz then they have an excuse to do those stupid things they long to do
if i got drunk... i would probably act on those impulses
and not be able to hold them back

boredom sounds more like it
and i've had these impulses as far back as my earliest memories.
the only times i allow myself to act on them is when im pushed over the edge and i get into a fight.... thats probably why i laugh when im fighting... it feels DAMN good to let it all out. it feels so good to let out all that built up furry.