My family as a whole has been quite shattered and divided over the years, it has taken a loss of a loved one to reunite us. Well that was the dream of it but unfortunately dreams aren't real. During the past two weeks, as a show of support family members have been going to my Aunt's house to be with her. Some of those people I haven't seen in over 15 years.

Now some family members have issues with others and under the banner of forgiveness and moving forward in life they reconciled. Even hugged. I was hesitant to make amends with my cousin who abused me as a child, but after putting my cousin to rest I figured it was now or never to move past it. So despite not wanting to, I approached her and I told her. That was a long long time ago, and life is precious we need to put that behind us. So I went to give her a hug and she stopped me. Telling me that she never did anything to me. That took me aback. I wasn't asking her to apologize, I wasn't asking her to admit what she did to me was sick. All I asked of her was to move forward and she chose not to give me that. It has been very difficult for me to even be under the same roof as her at my Aunt's and it took all of my courage to approach her and speak to her.

Now this is where I stand. In Ontario there is no statute of limitations on child abuse. I have tried to make amends with her. I truly did. That was the reason why I never pursued a course of action against her in the past but now that I can say with a clear mind that I have. What happens now, is on her.

I guess my question is, should I pursue criminal charges against her now? Or should I continue to let her live life with no consequences for her actions. My family has endured a lot recently and this will only further burn bridges but where is my peace. When it began I was 8 years old continuing for years, and when it came to light within the family, I was a teenager. No one stood up for me. She denied it and it was swept under a rug. Out of sight out of mind. Now at 30, I'm no longer a child, I no longer wish for someone to hold my hand and tell me it wasn't my fault. It wasn't.

It's weird how the mind works, as a teenager I used to gym a lot. I thought to myself, I'm going to get so big that no one can ever take advantage of me again. Then in my early twenties, I heard that I might see her again and I felt scared like a child. I was twice her size, but mentally she broke me. She went on to live her life carefree, while I was tormented. I drank a lot of alcohol in my teenage years, and slept with numerous women just to get her out of my mind. But I still remember what she did to me. I was furious at my family, how could they not protect me. Now as an adult though, I realize we all have our demons. The only person who will protect me, is me. Just writing this, is bringing out a lot of buried emotions. The more I write, the more I want her to pay for what she did.

I know, some of you who read this may say, well she was a woman. You probably enjoyed it. Truth be told, I certainly did at first. The act in itself to me, isn't the reason I want justice. It's the confused mindset I had growing up, not truly knowing what was right or wrong in certain instances. I have female cousins who are younger than myself and we used to play dolls, them with their barbies and me with darkwing duck. One time we were playing and I had my toy kissing their barbies private parts and I thought that that was normal. My little cousins were children as well, only being exposed to such depravity because of what I did. We didn't have the internet as freely back in the day, yes I am old. As I got older and I started to realize what she did to me was wrong and sick, I became distant with all my female family members. As a safeguard from my twisted mind. I never wanted to do to them, what she did to me. Not physically, not emotionally, not anything in resemblance. My little sister, I was never there for her when she needed me the most in her life because of my abuser. She struggled with drugs and cutting and attempted suicide and maybe, just maybe if I was there for her as an older brother should be. She wouldn't have. My dad was always at work, understandably. Mom complete nutcase, depression, anxiety, suicidal as well. Just not fit to be a mom. So knowing that, I should have been there for my sister. But I wasn't. That's something I have to live with. Now I'm there for her tooth and nail but the damage is done. My mom doesn't always say the most Mom thing's. She blamed me for what my sister went through. But where was she? When I was around 6 I got really ill and when my sister tried to kill herself, my mom, she told me I was useless and that I should have died that day. She has said some very heartless things to me, but it is only now as an adult that I know her mind isn't well either. All I can do is forgive her and move on, because at the end of the day she is still my mom and she needs me.

Life, it's brutal sometimes. But I'm glad I'm alive. I just don't know what to do regarding this.