General

One serious event can change you for a lifetime

It's something I've recently been thinking about quite often. I used to be quite vivid, hang out with friends very often, tend not to look back if I made some mistakes, bad things happened. Because they do and they always will.
In the winter of 2009 I've had my first serious relationship with a girl I had really fallen in love with. We didn't know each other inside out just yet so we soon started to see our differences, causing us to break up not too long after. She left me for her ex and I just tried to get on with my life. The main thing being is that we stil went to the same school. In the first few months we were together in a few classes. Later we were only together in one class, this actually being the class in which we had a very close group back then. I'm talking about the music class. In our final year we had to research one certain subject in one of your classes. It showed that just the two of us and one other girl wanted to do this in the music class. (Our subject being record labels, which was a lot of fun to do). This brought us back together as you had to work together a lot. It brought us back together, but not in the same way as before, we actually became really good friends. From then on, our relationship was really passive. It just still always felt uncomfortable being around her and I don't think we've been together with just us after everything. It was just for school, for the research, with some other people. But never just us. With passive I'm aiming at the fact that we spoke a lot over MSN and SMS. (Little bit too early still for What's app.) She got problems with her boyfriend and she often messaged me to talk about it. I had no interests in starting a relationship with her again so instead of hating on the guy by telling her to stop it all, I did try to give her some serious advice. Eventually they did break up though, but this was for another very special reason..

In the summer of 2011 it was determined that she had cancer. A tumor in her leg, no serious threat at first, but of course, it had to be dealt with. It slowly got worse when we had our final exams. Fortunately, it still looked very bright. Unfortunately, she did have to go through some pain. By this time she could only walk small distances and she went to school in a wheelchair. I remember her showing up at our music exam. I think it was the first time seeing her in the wheelchair and actually having a conversation with her. I did see her passing by a couple of other times, but we never really talked. She ended the exam before me, so we didn't spoke after. It was also actually the last time seeing her before the diploma dilevery. We did speak over MSN and SMS though.

One major thing we shared, was our love for music. She sang and I'm a pianist myself. We used to be in a band together for a little while, but I guess you can tell that we weren't able to maintain this. Something special was that we could both appreciate nearly all genres of music. Reaching from classical music to progessive heavy metal. It really depended on our mood. Next to that, people could never tell what music we were into by the looks of us. We looked quite regular while you can easily distinguish people from one another at my school. At the diploma delivery she was there. She was there to sing with the other girl we did our research with. By then, nearly nobody knew she had cancer yet. She wanted to hide it, because it all looked like it would be soon over and she was convinced of this. She didn't like the attention she would get at all. Just look at the bright side and get on. %$*# happens.
I couldn't bear to watch her, I really had to look away during it. It just felt bad knowing what she was going through. But she was still able to sing with full power, it sounded so incredibly good..

We both passed our finals with seemingly good grades, I was among the best of our school and I'm sure she would be as well if she weren't sick during the time. I've always seen her as a very clever and intelligent girl, something I liked the most about her. She was one of few among my peers who I really considered to be smarter and more intelligent than me. Even though our results and general comments from others claimed different. It was what I believed in and still believe in. She intended to continue with her music and so did I. I did an exam for the music academy for Piano Jazz and I did barely pass it. However, they told me that my age was not in my favor (17 by then) and that I had not developed myself into an induvidial just yet. It was better if I studied for another year and came back after. I didn't want to wait for another year so I came across this education for adults which offered 'VWO - SNEL'. We got three main levels of high school education here. VMBO being the lowest, HAVO after that and VWO being the highest (without all the extras). I passed HAVO without ever really doing too much, so I decided to give this 'VWO - SNEL' a shot. It simply meant that you were given the chance to do the two years of VWO - which you would ussualy do after you pass HAVO and want to continue - in just one year. It was going to be a tough year, but I was sure I could manage it. She figured that continueing with her music now would be too difficult with her disease, things had gotten a little bit worse by then. So she decided to do the regular VWO education.

I went to a different school, she continued at our old school. We didn't spoke too much in the first few months, but things went just fine. I got good grades while I saw most of my classmates getting horrible grades. It was sad for them, but it gave me a great feeling knowing that I was able to do this. It was then that I decided to go to University instead of the music academy if I were to graduate. She tried to go to as many classes as possible, but as her disease was growing worse by the time, she knew she had to take her rest to recover and attended fewer classes every week. Untill the moment when she decided to only attend her music classes.

We gradually started to talk more again. She felt heartbroken that so many of her friends left her, weren't really there for her and this made me feel so bad. Because I knew that I had not been there for her all the time as well. Even though I felt so bad about it, I just really didn't know how to cope with it, what to do. I thought things would just become fine again, so I didn't really bother spending too much time on her. She didn't want the attention, but of course, she did want it from her closer friends. But things did change after that, we still didn't really meet up, but we did talk more often. One of my better friends also used to be a good friend of her. After we broke up they became best friends and even started a music couple for some time. They got into a huge fight after one of their performances. She caught a cold and before the performance started she said to the audience 'I'm a little bit ill, so please don't blame me for that!'. It was not only that which got him really mad in general, but things happened before. Not only he got mad. She did as well. This being the straw that broke the camels back. They got in a huge fight and never really talked to each other again. They avoided them at all cost even though we were all stil in our schools 'soundteam' (fixing the stage/sound for all occasions etc.)
I know they both felt really bad about this. The difficult part is that they both talked about it with me and both got the feeling that the other really didn't care about it at all. I knew different, but I just didn't know what to do with it.

Weeks later, maybe months, she got back into treatments and surgery. It was then when we got the most satisfying news we could ever get. She got better, the cancer had succesfully been removed, it was gone, it left her! She recovered and it was finally time to rebuild her life, start things up again, enjoy life! She did, however, had to make some scans in her upper body just to be sure it had not spread to other parts of her body. We didn't really bother, because she felt allright as well, everything was just gone! She wanted to hook up, but I was really busy with school. I should have made time for her, but I did not. School was more important to me.

By this time she was still together with the guy she left me for. I've never really liked him, not because he took my girlfriend, but not in general. I knew him before she and I got together, and I already didn't like him. She hurted her a lot, I spend so much time trying to help her, sleepless nights, yet she still felt like being together with him. He even lived at her house for a while. She always told me that there was one thing she wanted to tell me about him, something which has hurted her a lot. They broke up and I knew for a fact that this was because of her disease. He didn't felt like being together with a chick with cancer, causing too much problems. At least, that has always been my assumption. I can't understand how you can possibly be so heartless. You don't want to get yourself into something like this, but if you do, how can you possibly be so rude to just step out of it and leave her alone.

She then got the results of the scans, I think it was a week after. It was during the same time that I had some problems with a girl I really liked. She actually first showed me that she had feelings for me, showed me she really liked me, but at the time this happend for me as well, I got feelings for her, she somehow changed. We spended a lot of time together, we had done so for the past couple of weeks and even did so for another few months. We never really got together even while it often really felt as though, and that often really hurted me. I've always thought that the main problem was that she was a Christian and I am not. I had no problems with this at all, she claimed not to have this as well, but I always felt different about that.

Even when her cancer was getting worse, she was feeling worse every week, all she seemed to care about where the problems of others. She told me that she only had so little friends still around her and she wanted to help me even though she felt so sick. 'I'm getting tired of being in bed all day, just tell me what's on your mind, I want to help you'. She was always positive, never looked at the bad side of it and even if she was scared, she never, never showed this. As it really felt like she was going to be allright and due to the way she acted, my problems often felt worse to me. I think this was only natural, because by looking at the way she acted, thinking everything would be just fine again, it really seemed like nothing was going on, everything was fine. But then of course, when you started to think about it, you knew it was different. It was different.

The scans showed that the cancer has spread throughout her entire body. It was back, the nightbare has begun yet again. Part two of the horror story. You think you've sealed away the evil, but it's back. It's starting out again.
It was by then that she knew that her chances to survive were around 50%-75%. She had to go through chemo and she did this at around November. She didn't had troubles from too much side effects, but she did felt horrible, sick and had to throw up all the time. I think she did four chemo's, had to do a check after that and then the doctors had to decide what to do next. She told me how much work her doctor was putting into this. He ussualy had to work for elderly people, often he had to make the decision that it was the end. Because there was simply no way out anymore. But for her, a child, he tried everything he could think of. Anything at all that could help.

In november of 2011 the school we were on together in the past, and the school on which she still was, was holding a exam concert. The students who followed to music class had to organize a concert entirely by themselves. She asked me to come and watch and so did I, even if it did feel a little bit uncomfortable. My friend, with who she was in the fight, was also there. I wanted to see him play as well. I saw her before the concert was about to begin and we had a short chat. We both didn't know what to say and I could see that she was so defeated. Her hair started to fall off as well and the energy was all out of her face.
When she started to sing her song I was in complete shock for a moment. I had a very hard time not to cry. It was the best she had ever sang in her entire life. It was simply perfect. How could she possibly release such an amazing sound after so much troublesome times. It was simply unbelievable.

She had her first few chemos. I think there was a break of 2 weeks in between all and I think she did four in total. She had to wait for the results, the outcome. Were some cells defeated and had her chances to survive increased by now. She had already heard that her chances to survive had decreased over the proces to around 20-30%. This was already determined before she started her chemos, but she wanted to try it anyways. Anything that could help. She got the results and it didn't look good. It didn't look good at all. She texted me, not exactly stating what was up. It got me worried and I didn't get to reach her.

She texted me last on a saterday and the weekend passed. 'Hey, could you possibly call me soon, I got some bad news.. '. Yes, that smiley was involved.
I didn't thought too bad of it and I was actually on my way to a play. I texted her back 'I'll call you tomorrow if that's convenient to you? I'm on my way to a play now! Hope it's not too bad.' And I never got a response after that. I texted her the next day 'Hey, are you in for a call right now?', but she texted me back that she didn't felt too great by that time and that it had to wait for a little. I gave up trying to contact her for a day or two and I was just clueless on what to do. I didn't know how to feel. I felt horrible at once, but not at all horrible though, because you can't understand what's happening. You simply can't.

It was then when I talked with the guy who I just talked about. He got the news from his principal. 'Hey man, have you prepared a card yet? I'm really sorry '
I still didn't know what was going on, I was in shock and tried to contact her. Texted her, called her. But she did not respond.
Later that night I she texted me 'I'm sorry that I weren't able to tell you this myself.' Followed by a text that felt as a goodbye message. It was a goodbye message. It was the last message I ever recieved from her. The essence of it is that she tried to convince me that everything will be fine in it's own way, I had to hold on to that and she told me not to worry. That broke me apart. Even after all this, she still showed so much power, she was still so convinced of herself. She did not respond to my texts and calls in the next days anymore and I were not able to contact her myself anymore.

She got the news halfway through December 2011. It was likely that she was not going to make it through christmas. Her birthday was January 19th. I always got the feeling that she really wanted to make this as it would be her 18th. The night of January 12th was a very rainy one, it was like all her tears, all the pain she had saved up, it all came down all at once. By then she was not conciously there anymore, she still breathed, but the lady herself was not there anymore. It was on this January 12th that she passed away. A week before her birthday.

The night of the concert seemed to be the last time that I've seen her. In the time between I got the news and her literally slowly passing away, I was scared and did not know what to do. She did not directly respond to me anymore and it didn't felt like that calling her parents to contact her was the right thing to do. I know she had decided that it was the end and I know that I had to take her text as a goodbye text. Because it was written this way, except that she did tell me that we could possibly call later. This just never happened. Also do I think that I wouldn't even want to see her the way she was in those last few days she had.

I've had a horrible time on school since I got the news that she was not going to make it. I got far behind with my work and I had zero attention during my classes as well. The way I got the news that she passed went in exactly the way I imagined it. During class the guy who who was my friend and who she got into a fight with would call me. Telling me the news. I slowly walked out of my class, because next to my teachers nobody really knew about it. I always had such a hard time talking about it.
I collapsed at the first random table I saw and got carried away by our principal who was aware of the situation. I went home and locked myself up in my room. For the next few days all I mainly did was save up all those emotions and play MineCraft and League of Legends all day. I simply couldn't take thinking about it.
I got the news during my exams. With the help of my teachers, their amazing understanding together with the basic knowledge I already had, I did manage to pull through quite well. However, the next coming months would be the same rythm. I felt bad, I felt horrible and mostly depressed. I got more behind, but one thing I did do is follow every single class. Just attend it, try to focus on the teacher and pick up as much as I could.

Her funeral would be on her birthday. Her parents intended it this way and I believe she wanted it this way as well. The days before that the friend who she got into a fight with and I had been talking quite a lot. Even though he could never show it to her, he also felt horrible. He was still on the same school and still in the soundteam. Her parents asked the school if the soundteam could arrange everything at the the funeral. For this occasion it happened to be that I were allowed to help as well. We arrived at the place and started to build up. We were always horrible with cables and such and always managed to make a mess of it. She would then scream at us 'FOR ONCE, MAKE IT A LITTLE MORE NEAT!'. Both of us could literally hear her scream. Even on her own funeral. We simply can't help it, it's just the way we work. That was the moment when her parents and her little brother entered the room. This is when we both became speechless. The friend and I were standing next to each other, her father approaching us. First to the friend, he spoke the words: 'You are forgiven, she wants you to be forgiven, we don't blame you anything'. This moment, it was the moment when he started crying and so did I, for the first time after I heard the news. Those beautiful words after so much pain. It felt as a relief to me, imagine how it felt for my friend.

When we were in a relationship she gave me a necklace with christmas. After we broke up I took it off and put it down somewhere randomly. I knew for a fact that I still had it, but I had no idea where. I first had an exam on the day of her funeral, after that I had two hours to prepare and get there. In this time I got dressed up, but also was eager to find this necklace. I went through everything in my room multiple times. I simply checked everything except from one silly basket with cables and such in it. I said out softly 'Come on, don't mess with me now, just let it be in there'. So I turned the basket upside down, put everything back into it one by one. The last thing I grabbed, the very last thing was some dusty old looking necklace. It was the necklace she gave me. I wore it to the funeral as it gave me a really good feeling and I am still wearing it as of today. I will take it of on the day I feel comfortable about doing so.

The funeral started, we were in the front row next to her parents because we had to take care of the music equipment. It was near the end of the ceremony when they started to play a song. The song she sang at the concert. That voice, that beautiful singing. I broke from the inside, let everything I saved up that entire period out at once. I simply couldn't hold it, nothing I could do. And looking to my friend I saw that I was not the only one feeling this way.

The next day was her ceremony at her school. This time everyone who was at the funeral could actually look at the bright side a little more by now. Enjoy the good things she has delivered us. Also be happy that she was finally free now, free from her pain as well. We could even se her parents smile, show us strenght, they talked with us, laughed about the good memories and did not show sorrow this day. Just like she wanted us to. It were the words she wanted us to put on her card 'Don't cry because I've gone, but laugh because I've been.'

We then got to say a final goodbye. We went outside with students and teachers from the school. Friends and family. Everyone took a purple or white balloon, which were her favourite colour. When I think about her I always think about purple. Purple was her colour. The music started playing, Coldplay - Paradise. A song which I've been listening to a lot of times since then. Some people have to avoid things which make them remember about painful things. For me it actually helps to accept it and get at comfort. I sometimes literally have to listen to this song to feel a little bit better. We then dropped off the balloons and watched them as they flied away.

The months after everyting have been very difficult to me. I needed time to become myself again, but I simply didn't have this time. I had to complete my school work. It was a year in which I had to finish a lot, I simply didn't have the time to stop for a moment. I wanted to stop, I tried to stop, but the world around me kept going on, never took a break. I've been spending fewer time with my friends, fortunately I had some good friends on my new school as well, but we only really hang out during our breaks. My last series of exams before my finals were approaching. This was the moment where I had to score, but I've been so far behind with everything. I had to split up my time and focus on some subjects like Maths and French. Next to that, I had to rely on my basic knowledge for subjects such as economics, business management and history. I managed to pull through and enter my final exams with a 5/10 for French a 5/10 for society science a 7/10 for Economics and English and a 6/10 for my other four subjects.

It was the beginning of may. My finals would begin at the 14th. I did make some work, but I still didn't study a lot so far. I was really afraid that I was not going to make it. I had to learn two years of information in just one and my grades where nothing near perfect. The exams passed and I slowly started to realize that I was probably not going to graduate. I had to be really lucky if I could graduate with one retry. My society science didn't go great, neither did my French. All the others were just... Just decent. I had to wait till June 14th for the results. On the days in before and the day itself everyone around me was dying from nervousity. I didn't felt this way as I was actually convinced that I was not going to make it. I was hoping for a retry. When I was standing in line to the classroom where you'd be called by name, my nerves started to come. I occasionally heard the words 'Congratulations, you're graduated !', but often 'I'm sorry, you didn't make it' as well. I got scared and even more scared when they called my name. I approached the women who were handnig out the grades. That is when my mentor walked towards me! 'Hey! Congratulations, I don't know how you've done this, but you did it!'. I graduated for VWO - Snel during the most horrible year of my life so far. Not even with a retry, I did it on the first try.

I'm ussualy quite critical towards my deeds. There is always room for improvement, but sometimes you have to be proud of what you've done. This was the first time when it actually felt this way for me. I was proud of myself. I made it. I did it. I'm a boss..! I also got tons of appreciation from my parents, my friends, even all of my teachers. They were amazed and showed me so much respect.

This is when my vacation truely started. I was still often very depressed and the only thing which really worked was making music and playing games. The parents of one of my friends were gone for three weeks, so we hang out at his place nearly every night. Ussualy, I'd stay for the entire night, like most people did. But I was so tired already at around midnight and I would just go home. I wanted to go home. I had no energy and this is still a problem. I still have troubles regaining my strenght. I feel weak and defeated. I feel that I'm not the same person anymore who I was one year ago.

I'm starting with my bachelor Business Management on the Erasmus University in Rotterdam this September. I'm looking forward to it a whole lot as it will likely give me the opportunity to get on once more. Meet new people, study for a job, do the things needed before starting my carreer. I know that I'll eventually get rid of my ups and downs. Learn to live my life by only looking at the bright side (again). It all just takes time which is often very difficult. One moment I feel like the happiest person on earth, but the next moment I feel like trash nobody really cares about. I know for a fact that my friends appreciate me a lot for who I am and this is important to me. Sometimes my brain just can not accept this.

But I will move on. No matter what. I will let nothing stand in my way.

We just have to accept that you often have to go through changes, but this is also a good thing.

People change.

One serious event can change you for a lifetime.

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I want to thank everyone who has read this letter. It's been the first time that I've written this off me in quite some detail. I have a lot of problems sharing my thoughts and feelings, but saving it all up just hurts. You might wonder why I'm sharing this here. That is just because this way it really feels like I'm dropping it off. I'm giving it it's place. I'm not afraid to talk about it anymore. And I don't really care who I'm sharing it with. I'm sharing it. I don't expect answers, nor should I do so.

I strongly encourage people who have not read the full letter not to leave a comment.

Thank you.