General

I dont know what to do

Spent 30 hours awake waiting for my baby brother to come out in a cramped waiting room. Got creative and lined up some stiff chairs to form a bed and started falling asleep until the baby started coming. Actually witnessed everything from beginning to end, and got to hold him. He was crying the whole time until they handed him to me and he finally calmed down...

It made me uncontrollably happy to see him born. I no longer have to worry about my mother once I'm gone, since now she has someone to keep her company and stay with her through life until he's my age. It wasn't until then that I immediately started thinking about Suicide. I don't know why. It was a bitter and debilitating feeling and I realized I could do it without ditching my mom on her own. It was sickening to think about, but I couldn't help but wonder it as a possibility. All my life I've stuck with my mother, through homelessness, drug abuse, spousal abuse, and more, and I'm glad to see her as a financially well-off woman with a new child to call her son. It made me think that I could finally give up on suffering in loneliness and misunderstanding. I don't know why, and I don't know what to do Basil. I don't want to feel this way.