Fate here, a story in progress.
Greetings Basilmarket. Sorry to have had vamoosed so suddenly. Nobody was at fault, I just lost my interest in the threads as they were losing originality (assuming they ever really had any). But that is of no importance. I'm here to present you with the first nine paragraphs of a short sci-fi story I've been working on for about an hour. I'd like (but not really) your personal opinion on the good, the bad, and the ugly. If there are certain things you'd think make this story any better (basically, constructive criticism) then I'd be glad to hear it. Anyways, here it is. (I apologize for the line breaks Basil made in the first paragraph, there's really not much I can do about it)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
We didn't even notice it had happened at first. Artificial light fills the skies with such glowing perfection in this day and age that natural sunlight is no longer
recognizable. We have saved our dying planet by advancing solar technology to a point in which the burning of fossil fuels is nothing but mere history. During the
period of day, solar pannels collect enough energy to power the worlds electicity-using devices for four days. At the sign of sunlight, the world lights automatically
turn themselves off to conserve energy. This process is not something that is able to be noticed, as the transition from artificial light to natural light is completely in sync. With that explained, let us get on with the tale that I'm leaving for someone, or something to find.
It was around a month ago. The world lights went out, and our planet went dark. Darkness was something unknown to the people of our day. Apparently the world lights
had stopped absorbing the suns energy quite some time ago. But we still had, and have, heat. The sun remained with us, bestowing upon us the life bearing energy in
which we depend upon so much. But why did it refuse to give off any light that resided within the visable spectrum? Rather than a vibrant yellow or a gas-like red, our sun was now offering something else. Black sunshine.
Scientists frantically searched both for answers as to why our sun had begun to emit black sunshine, and for a new way to create energy for ourselves. Though our
technology is great, we're nowhere close to being able to create energy ex nihilo. Some people decended into madness while others awaited the return of the suns
glorious light. The "morning" never came.
The first month was awful, to say the least. Suicide became common seconded only to homicide. Sanity had slipped away with our beloved vision. Ever since I moved
out, I've always lived on my own. I've not found a dependable subordinate to continue my days with nor have I been in any kind of particular search for one. I've
been fine on my own, and I can continue to be fine on my own. I depend on no person, and I depend on no star. Though the world may be in hysteria, I have kept my
sanity. And I will continue to do so accordingly. I swear it.
And now we're at present time. I'm unsure of how many people are left, or if scientists have made any breakthroughs. Off in the distance I can hear the screaming of
men who are sure to have gone mad. If I had to place a bet as to where the scientists are at this point, I'd guess that most of them have abandoned both hope and life.
If the sun had merely managed to go out while we somehow managed to survive then we could simply fuel it by launching another planet into it. But the sun has not gone
out. It still burns just as it always has. I'm not sure whether we're lucky or not. We may very well have ended up better off dead then in this state of panic. I'm
afraid I'm reaching my limit. I've grown far too tired to continue writing. I'm going to try to get some rest, though it won't be easy in this newfound darkness.
I feel my rest was uneasy, but resfreshing nonetheless. I can no longer hear screams off in the distance. Maybe sanity is returning to the people. Maybe they've
killed each other off. Maybe they've simply moved on. One can't know for sure. I wish that the sun would begin to coruscate and show signs of returning to it's
original state. I fear this is but a dream. This may very well be the end of life as we know it. But know this. If this truly is the end of our species, I'm going
to be the last witness alive. I will keep my sanity. I don't need light to see the capability of my mental vessle. I'm better than them.
It's been days since I've eaten. The food that I previously had has either been eaten or has gone spoiled. Though I hate to admit it, I'll die if I don't take step
outside. There's really no other option for me at this point. I'm fearful of what I may find. Or rather, what may find me. If I can't see them they can't see me.
This is what I'd like to believe, but the insane left alive may have gained other talents that allow them to find me. How else would they have survived this long
while outside? Who's to say they won't be able to pinpoint my location by just the sounds of my steps upon the darkened earth? It doesn't matter. I have to go outside.
I presume it's been around a months time since I last wrote in this journal of mine. I guess an update on what I've managed to accomplish is in order. After taking
step from the comfort of my home, I was not attacked. My superstitions were silly. I had planned to make my way to a local store to stock up on nourishment, but that
was nothing but foolishness. How was I to find my way to a store when darkness engulfed me from every angle? The realization of my mistake was far too late. I had
ventured out too far to even make way back into my own house. I was lost in the new found world black sunshine had supplied me with. It had been what I figured to
have been days when I came across the first evidence of another living creature since the screaming had stopped. It was the glow of fireflies. Why hadn't I thought
of it before? But if I could still see the glow of a firefly, then... Yes! I was reminded of something I learned about in a history class taken many a year ago. That
with certain element combinations, the light source known as fire can come into being. And so, I made such a fire... Only to wish that I hadn't.
I was greeted by the vision of bodies paving the streets. Countless people with no visual cause of death. Was it fear? There was really no way for me to tell. With
a pitiful excuse for a tourch, I made my way through these bodies. I wonder why I didn't realize that the ground I had been stepping on wasn't exactly "normal"
compared to what I was used to. Perhaps I was too distracted by the fact that I hadn't seen anything in over a month. The journey was vile as I made my way across the
land of the dead, but eventually I made it to a supermarket. The food left was minimal, but it was more than enough to keep me going. I hadn't even realized how weak
I'd gotten from malnourishment until I finally sunk my teeth into the most delicious stale bread I've ever had. After my meal, I stuffed my pack with as much food as
could be carried and left. I wasn't going back to my home. There was nothing of interest there anymore. My task was no longer simply surviving, I was on the hunt for
another living person as well as the answer to black sunshine.
30 Comments • Newest first
[quote=Irock456789]Great story, can't wait for the next part.
OT:And weren't you the guy who got suspended 70+ times?
Surprised you haven't been banned yet.[/quote]
I don't remember the suspension count for my account. I stopped counting at 69, so it's probably somewhere around there.
[quote=Instinct]Oh. You're back.
Reminds me of Day of the Triffids.[/quote]
Kind of, I don't plan to post much outside of this thread. And again, another book I've been recommended but never actually got around to reading.
[quote=ChildsPlay]Really interesting so far.
I'd like to see how it turns out.[/quote]
Then may I direct you in the direction of my blog? I won't be updating the story here but I'll be sure to update the story over on my blogspot. (link was posted somewhere on the second page of comments)
Really interesting so far.
I'd like to see how it turns out.
[quote=Rellaine]Wow, I love the way you write! Like the way you describe things and such! Great story! I love it!
Side note: The way you talk and the way your avatar looks just screams V in V for Vendetta. Just wanted to point that out. [/quote]
Much obliged. If you follow my blog and check it occasionally the story will be getting updates every now and then. (posted the link to my blog on the second(?) page of comments)
You know, I've never actually seen that movie. Maybe I'll give it a go!
[quote=EchoAC]Oh really? THAT'S SO COOL. I never see fireflies where I live ._.They must hang around warmer places I guess.[/quote]
They tend to inhabit warmer places, yes.
[quote=Fate]
Oh I will. And what do you mean where did they come from? Fireflies fly around everywhere especially downtown during the summer from where I'm at o_o. And I don't know, what do fireflies eat? Plants?
[/quote]
Oh really? THAT'S SO COOL. I never see fireflies where I live ._.They must hang around warmer places I guess.
[quote=Milkncookies]I would rather not bold the word fate mostly cause i don't really like being similar to others. I rather be unique.[/quote]
Trying to be unique/different from others is called being a hipster, which a lot of people are. Disregarding that sense of un-originality, fate jokes in general are fairly common when I post. So even without the bolding, you're already bandwagoning. There's not a single unique thing about you so far.
@Fate:
Oh, alrighty.
[quote=Uruchai]How was he writing in his journal before his fire realization?[/quote]
Never implied that he was writing neatly. Never even implied that his journal was readable.
How was he writing in his journal before his fire realization?
[quote=golatias]@Fate: Like seeing with only fireflies and being able to make a fire with random rocks found on the ground. Also I know most people use faucets as a water source, but from what I can tell all electricity is gone.[/quote]
Your eyes would adjust fairly quickly to the dim light of fireflies if previous light entering the eyes was void. And yeah, that's pretty much how you'd make a fire. Ever been camping? And yeah faucets tend to be how we get our water but people often have water jugs or bottled water as well. And I mean hey, with such an advanced society there's bound to be a way or two to get water via non electrical means.
[quote=EchoAC]That's good. Write more stories o; And then I'll be loved more ;D (And yeah, might want to note that vvvv. Where the hell did the fireflies come from? What are they feeding off of? Why are they in the city?)[/quote]
Oh I will. And what do you mean where did they come from? Fireflies fly around everywhere especially downtown during the summer from where I'm at o_o. And I don't know, what do fireflies eat? Plants?
[quote=Milkncookies]Thats a great story i have to say. Fate must have brought me here to amuse me.[/quote]
Why thank you. Usually when people make "Fate" jokes for me they usually bold the word "fate" just to make it even more blatantly obvious.
@Fate: Like seeing with only fireflies and being able to make a fire with random rocks found on the ground. Also I know most people use faucets as a water source, but from what I can tell all electricity is gone.
[quote=Fate]Like? Please do nitpick, if there's actually something that I can't explain then it clearly needs to be changed. And thank you
My stories love you.
Thank you, and thank you. I use to see you post quite often but we never really seemed to cross paths by means of conversation. Though I can't really proclaim that I'm back. I'll probably post on occasion at most.[/quote]
That's good. Write more stories o; And then I'll be loved more ;D (And yeah, might want to note that vvvv. Where the hell did the fireflies come from? What are they feeding off of? Why are they in the city?)
[quote=golatias]@Fate: Okay, well some of the answers you gave seem easier said then done, but I won't continue to nick-pick at tiny things. Good story otherwise [/quote]
Like? Please do nitpick, if there's actually something that I can't explain then it clearly needs to be changed. And thank you
[quote=EchoAC]I love your stories o;[/quote]
My stories love you.
[quote=LasorBeams]Awesome, welcome back.[/quote]
Thank you, and thank you. I use to see you post quite often but we never really seemed to cross paths by means of conversation. Though I can't really proclaim that I'm back. I'll probably post on occasion at most.
Awesome, welcome back.
@Fate: Okay, well some of the answers you gave seem easier said then done, but I won't continue to nick-pick at tiny things. Good story otherwise
I love your stories o;
[quote=golatias]@Fate: You know it helps to read your own story , if any of my holes in the storyline are wrong and I have just misread I apologize.
1. He makes a fire, in the dark?
2. Where did he find the "element combinations" to make the fire?
3. Put a date when the story takes place? Not necessary, just a idea.
4. How did he survive without water? If he had water, where did he get it?
5. If he had never left his house, how did he know about the suicides and homicides? Oh and you spelled homicide wrong.
6. How did he get around his house without light?[/quote]
1. Fireflies.
2. Fire can be created via element combination between elements commonly found in rocks and minerals. All you'd have to do is smash different rocks together until you found the right combination.
3. Some of the less intelligent people would see that the wrong way and consider it a prediction rather than just a random piece of writing.
4. Most people have water in their house, even in this day and age.
5. An accusation made from his knowledge of the general mindset of a human being combined with what he had heard coming from outside. And yes, I probably spelled a couple things wrong seeming as I haven't revised it in any way.
6. You put your hands out in front of you and if they touch something, you don't keep walking that way. Most people are familiar with the layout of their own house.
@Fate: You know it helps to read your own story , if any of my holes in the storyline are wrong and I have just misread I apologize.
1. He makes a fire, in the dark?
2. Where did he find the "element combinations" to make the fire?
3. Put a date when the story takes place? Not necessary, just a idea.
4. How did he survive without water? If he had water, where did he get it?
5. If he had never left his house, how did he know about the suicides and homicides? Oh and you spelled homicide wrong.
6. How did he get around his house without light?
[quote=golatias]Great story, Although I could find many flaws in the storyline itself I figure you already know them so I won't waste time pointing them out. Another thing, logs of when the journal entries were written would be a good add-on[/quote]
It'd be appreciated if you did point them out. I haven't actually read the story myself yet (I just write a little bit, save it, and stop for a little bit) so I haven't had the chance to find flaws. And no, that wouldn't be a good add on. How would he be keeping track of the days? Notice that every time he mentions how longs its been since somethings happened it's always an approximation.
[quote=Benighted]It looks good now, but I have a feeling it will just get worse.
Idk, I kind of tried the same thing with pretty much the same basic storyline a while ago, and it didn't end up well.[/quote]
I already have the general idea for the end in mind, whereas I have no idea what the next word I'm typing is going to be. If anything, the story will only get better. It's very doubtful that we think so remotely alike that a downfall of a similar story that you wrote would foretell a downfall in mine.
Great story, Although I could find many flaws in the storyline itself I figure you already know them so I won't waste time pointing them out. Another thing, logs of when the journal entries were written would be a good add-on
[quote=DrHirsch]It was a great read and Im definitely going to be following your blog. Although once sentence caught my eye. "It's been days since I've eaten. The food that I previously had has either been eaten or has gone spoiled." I saw you used the word eaten in the first sentence, and in the second. I think I would have used a synonym of some sort to avoid repitition, it's a pet peeve of mine. Thank you.[/quote]
A very excellent point indeed. I commend you for being the first person to actually give legitimate input, and I thank you for following my blog. Heh, maybe I'll actually have to start writing more often as opposed to doing a paragraph of two every couple of days.
[quote=Chat]Nice story.[/quote]
I would like to tip my hat to you in such a fashion that you may or may not be forced to pay me back with a smile.
Nice story.
[quote=welcoMe2MYworld]I am extremely happy that I do not enjoy them. If I did, I would be wasting my time reading all of the stupidity that lurks online on a daily basis. Sometimes it's better to just branch away from reading what those who base their education off of the public school system have to say. Not implying this towards you or anything (I haven't even read the story), it is a general statement.[/quote]
Those who base their education off of a school system aren't capable of producing pieces powerful enough to be called art. Those people are to be considered pieces of fiction rather than the writers of fiction. People living in a false reality mentally sheltered from ideology that separates the intelligent from the non do not deserve to be recognized. This being said, if you're so simple minded that you would be unable to differentiate art from petty education based psychological idiocy then yes, you are indeed better off unable to enjoy a story of any sort.
[quote=Brosepher]And the moon?[/quote]
Read the comment posted by QuapPac
[quote=welcoMe2MYworld]I hate stories. Sorry dude, no interest from me.[/quote]
No need to be sorry, I cannot begin to lexically enunciate my sorrow for one who has not cognition that permits enjoyment from any kind of story. If anything, I should be giving my apologies to you.
[quote=Brosepher]Where did the stars go during all of this?[/quote]
*shrugs* Maybe in this point and time the universe has expanded to a point in which our own star is the only one that remains visible.
[quote=QuapPac]Sure, I love science fiction and this looks intresting.[/quote]
The other ones aren't actually sci-fi, this is my first go at a sci-fi piece. http://kerhwinsthinking.blogspot.com/ (but here's the link anyways)
[quote=QuapPac]I would buy it. =D[/quote]
If you actually like it that much I can give you a link to my blog where I'll be updating this story (I also have other short stories I've written on there).
[quote=FairyFail]I bet all the dead people died from lack of vitamin D. If you can die from such, that is.[/quote]
The twist is that there wasn't actually any cause of death because I didn't feel creative enough to make one up. Remember, this was written in an hour (probably less actually, maybe 45 minutes).
[quote=wizlid]Why does everything I read sound British...
Interesting premise.[/quote]
Because the twist of the story is that he's walking the polluted streets of Britain. The smog had become so thick that all evidence of sunlight had been eradicated. Everyone else had died because of said smog. The main character is still alive because he's actually a smog demon come to resurrect cthulu.
Teal dear: How should I know? (and thanks for the input)
Yes yes, I am rather amazing. It must be [b]Fate[/b] that I'd come back only to post a part of a story that ZxlceSinxZ liked. Hello there Modern, a fancy hat tip in your general direction from yours truly.
Only [b]Fate[/b] would have it to return to us.
Sounds interesting, I'll read it later since I am rather preoccupied at the moment.
I like it.