What would you do in this situation?
I'm a 21 year-old living at home with my mom (I'm a full-time college student).
My brother and sister-in-law are 27-28. They both work. During the school year they have me watch their kids 3-4 days during the week. 8-13 hours every time (sometimes 15-24 hours).
Note: by "having me watch their kids" I mean they just simply DROP THE KIDS OFF at my Mom's house every single time, expecting me to watch them. They say "they don't have anyone else to watch the kids".
Note: we are a low-income family (my mother and me). But my brother makes like $3-5k a month, my sister-in-law i don't know how much----but they live separately from us in their own home.
Note: this has been happening to me since my freshman year of college, I'm now going to be a senior this fall.
Also, during the days they get off, they want to "go to the store" or "go out and have fun" ---- they end up going for at least 6+ hours, and I have to watch them by myself.
Note: they have four kids. One 5 yr old, one 4 yr old, one 3 yr old, one 2 yr old.
I have to watch them all by myself for the time being, but on the weekend I give the job to my mom (even though I know she's tired from working 2 jobs...) because I'm mentally unstable from the long hours of babysitting.
The kids cry everytime saying "where is my mommy and daddy?" or "I want to go home". But as I said, they leave their kids for many hours and show up at night time or the next day.
I don't hate my nephew and nieces, I just think that they have been depending on me too much (because of this I am mentally unstable and sometimes I think about physically forcing my nephew or nieces to shut up when they keep on crying to go home).
Now that it is summer, I have been watching the kids EVERY DAY (they think because I don't have a summer job and just sitting at home and enjoying my summertime that they can leave the kids with me because they work and I don't). The hours have been the same. Nothing has changed. They leave the kids with me at noon-ish, and come get them at around 8-10PM or they just have them sleep over for the night some times (especially during the weekends).
Note: as I have said before, me and my mom are a low-income family, and we don't have much at home (nothing to eat and drink for the kids). My brother usually gets one meal of McDonald's or something for them to eat.....(usually)....and that's basically what the kids eat that day because there is literally nothing that I can make for them that they will eat. All we have is like eggs and cereal, otherwise I would have to make food that they would never want to eat.
I hope you understand what I'm going through. What would you do?
27 Comments • Newest first
I like what Buster^ said up there. He's got some good points.
There are quite a few helpful posts here; I hope you'll take the time to figure something out with your family and reduce the stress on yourself. Take a part-time-job, make yourself look busy, move forward with your own life. They are relying on you too much, and neglecting their own duties as parents.
I kinda feel bad for your brother & sister-in-law's children. Such inattentive parents.
Tell them you're becoming mentally unstable and you've been thinking of killing yourself. Hopefully they'll understand.
Also if you just leave the house before they come over, what're they gonna do.
Well, it really narrows down to 2 options. Either you find a summer job or you ask to be paid for babysitting them. Since your family is low-income, both options will help a bit either way. If you don't feel comfortable asking your brother to pay you, then maybe you can strike a deal with him. I have 5 nephews and 3 nieces so I can kind of understand your situation, because I sometimes have to babysit them even though I already have things planned with my friends. I know it's hard to say "no" sometimes because they are family and if you do say "no", you would seem like a bad person. Maybe you can tell your brother that you will help them babysit 2 days a week and that your brother has to provide food/money for activities and stuff. If your brother doesn't agree to it, then you should really say no
Okay it sounds like they're taking advantage of your kindness right now so if I were you I would tell them that they need to pay me because they're a 2 income household so they can afford it, especially if you ask for less than a day-care center. If you stick to that and force them to either stop doing this or start paying you hopefully that'll get them to stop leaving for 6+ hours doing errands that shouldn't take longer than 30 minutes because they won't wanna have to pay you that much.
EDIT: Also, I just wanna say I'm sorry that you're in this position. It must be tough because he's your brother and you probably want to be able to help him out.
You are very responsible but you are being way too easy to manipulate. Man up dude and speak your mind with them. You probably don't have any close friends to talk to with this about since your asking basil market. buster1651 had a great response and personally I would take the part time job option and just leave the house so you can't even be held accounted for because you have your own things to do. If that's not possible then simply screw with them because that's what they're doing to you. From my point of view because you're at home so frequently they see you as free and studying as an excuse simply doesn't cut it lol. Quit being mr. Nice guy for now and live YOUR life, make them have a realization of that too. Good luck
Does your school offer counseling services? Maybe you can talk to an authority figure at your school and have someone help you figure out a solution.
I would do this (Some are scummy so I don't expect you to do them):
1. I wouldn't answer the door seeing how you're home alone and your mum is at work. This way your brother might take a hint and take his kids else where. He can't exactly literally leave them at your door step and leave for work if no one answers.
2. Report to Child Protective Services. I don't expect you to do this one because of the whole "Perfect family" but its a definite option. They don't have the income or supposed "time" to raise 4 kids. If you explain how you babysit pretty much everyday the service should take over from there.
3. Seeing how you know the approximate time they pick the kids up, you could make your house "look" extremely bad. Things like no one's in the house, no one fed the kids, kids crying or injured etc. Should hint "wow leaving my kids here are a bad idea." Make it look like your house is such a bad place to leave kids that doing it would be like Child Abuse
4. Get a part time job and do what your sister in law does. After you finish just don't come home for another 4 hours and have fun or study. Do something productive. Just have the house empty so they cant leave their kids. Make the fact you have a job very very obvious. This way they know "He isn't just lazying around and isn't available"
5. Even though you said you don't want to show your family your marks because you love em, you have to show consequences and bad results of leaving the kids with you. If you explain, I got bad marks lately in college because I have no time to study, they should ease off so you can get your studying back.
6. Try to actually talk with them in a serious and lengthy conversation. Don't let them escape so easily with things like "oh you're at home take care of my dam kids", you need to tell them that they're grown adults who shouldn't be having dam kids if they can't afford to take care of them in terms of money and time.
7. Destroy your mum's perfect family delusion. It's simply impossible, there are no families who are perfect and have everything perfect. No offense but especially to yours. You need to have such a huge argument with your brother that he can't look at you for weeks or months. This way he'll finally piss off and you'll have your social life, studious life and your overall life on track without having a full time job in which you don't get paid. I know this is a bad one but it'll definite solve your problems I guess. If the argument is bad enough, he wont exactly be leaving his children with the person he hates or the person who he knows hates him.
I don't even know why they're so stupid in thinking they need "me time" when they decided to have 4 kids. It's like they didn't grasp the concept of having kids means you take care of them and don't have as much freedom as you did before. A future PSA for those wanting kids. Please fix yo dam life, secure a job which can finance a kid and a family, love your partner and have some responsibility and realise that kids isn't such a light hearted thing. It's a life changing decision and you should change your life in order to reflect your life changing decision.
You either need to choose to be the scapegoat/sacrifice your future life/career/potential girlfriend/future occupation or get your life together by telling them to get their life together. A child at early ages is going to have family problems if they don't spend enough time with their parents.
Seeing how your mum knows what you're going through you need to have a full conversation with her to discuss this. You need to bring up points like, you can't study and show her proof of failing grades, that the children aren't being fed because you don't have enough food or money to feed them, that her son is being stupid and is incapable of raising children even though he moved out of the house and that telling him to piss off is actually going to help him and his family, that her perfect family thing is delusional and that you're having to sacrifice your social life, study life and time because her dumb son can't get his life together and still wants to play like a child with his wife. You need to show cause and effect. The cause being babysitting the kids and the bad effects it's going to have on the kids, yourself, your financial situation and so on.
why did they have children if they dont even have enough money to pay for them? >.<
I would talk to them in a grown up way to avoid any thing they can talk you down.
I would tell them that i am 21 years old now and i have to go find my own life.
I would tell them i can't live with mom forever because what if aomething happens to her then who would take care of me.
Make your own plans and tell them to screw off. If they try and guilt you into looking after them, don't fall for it. If you want a summer job (which you should look for if you're in a low income family), you can't find one by staying home looking after kids 8 days a week. You have a life too.
Communicate this to them, and put your foot down.. or else they're going to continue to walk all over you. They have no idea this is all going on and taking place unless you explain as such. Let them know that all this stress is having affect on your educational career- as well as your sanity at this point. It'll hurt them to hear but for your sake you need them to feel bad and get them to realize it's hurting you.
Though it's natural to dwell on your own feelings regarding this, Omegathorion has got it right; Make them see it from their kid's perspective. Perhaps more will take place if you successfully get them to see how crappy of parents they truly are before explaining your own struggles. It's for the best something more be done for them aside from being dropped off and neglected attention wise by their own parents. Why have kids when you're not going to take care of them..
If nothing else.. Demand payment. Work is work, and you're a college student. For dropping their problems on you, you certainly need all the money you can get from them.
[quote=Omegathorion]Yeah. You're living with your mom. Are you paying her rent? If not, it's ok, but the least you can do is cover miscellaneous chores around the house (such as babysitting). It's like the same etiquette you would pay if you were couchsurfing at a friend's house.[/quote]
he dosnt live with the people who drops the kids off. he owes them nothing.
Your brother and sister-in-law are jerks, they're just taking advantage of you and I almost certainly assure you that they probably drop them off with you to have some free time of their own. I've been in a similar situation but I straightened it out pretty quickly after a month. You either man up and demand some pay for your work or you tell them you have other things to do and just leave the house and find something to do outside of your house before they drop off the kids. Helping yourself is going to bring in some conflict because your brother and sister-in-law are so comfortable on taking advantage of you but to help yourself get out of this you're going to have to muscle through a few tough weeks of angry family members. It's not like your brother can't afford a babysitter with that kind of income.
[quote=GreatRomantic]My mom doesn't care what I think, she still supports me babysitting them. Lots of things have happened to my family, and she would like for us to all along because things have happened in the past where our family fell apart. As long as I have nothing to do in the summer she'll agree with my brother "You have nothing to do, so you have to babysit your nieces and nephews". She is also aware of how stressed out I am and how I loathe my brother for doing this to me, yet she still wants that "perfect family" again where we all support and help each other out.
I could look for a part time job, but it doesn't really matter because the INSTANT I get a break or work off my brother will come to me and say "Here, watch the kids".
During my school year, I get home at around 5-6PM (everyday), but I go to my aunt's house because they live near the bus station (I commute via bus), then I finally get home at around 9-10PM. Now here's the catch, I get home and my brother and sister-in-law want to go out, and my mom doesn't get home till like 10:30-11PM, so they have me watch their kids. They get home at 1-3AM. I have school the next day. This happens 1-2 times a week. However, there are some days where I get class off or I get home early, etc etc. I then have to watch the kids for basically the whole day.
And when the weekend comes, they drop the kids off on Friday night 9-10PM, and then they leave the kids over for the weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. My mom goes to work on Saturdays so I basically have to watch the kids of a full 12-15 hours. Then she gets Sunday's off (most of the time...). But whenever she needs/wants to go somewhere, I obviously have to watch the kids.
At the end of the semester when my classes start ending, I now have some days where I have no class, and so they tell me to watch the kids for those days. 8-13+ hours.
It's 8-13 hours because they will go "to the store" and then they come home again, AND THEN THEY SAY "Hey, watch the kids for a few more hours, we are going out". And then 4-6 hours later they come home. THEY DO THIS EVERY TIME.
Note: they refuse to get a babysitter/nanny because they do not make enough money. They still have to pay off their Auto-loans, and the rent for their home/apartment is like $1k, so their bills rack up quite a lot of their income. And since "I'm just a college student" I need to stay home and watch the kids.
Here's what my brother would say: "You don't work yet, you're only a student, so you need to watch the kids because mom works. I work and your sister-in-law works. And we won't get a babysitter because we can barely afford one, so whenever we need you to babysit the kids, you have to do it."
I have failed the past 2 semesters of my junior year. I also did piss poor my second semester of my freshman year, and I failed my first semester of my sophomore year. Only I haven't told any of my family that because I love them too much. I have been watching their kids for 4-5 years now, the hours were more lenient when I was in high school (which is odd for some reason since I was home more often), and now that I am in college my hours babysitting are even worse.
Note: I'm the only child of my mom to have ever gone to college, but I'm probably not gonna graduate on time (or at all)....or I'm gonna drop out.[/quote]
While I do understand where your brother is coming from, him and his wife are just plain selfish to do this to you.
I get that you love your family a lot but, it's your life, your education, your decision. There's only so much you can do for your family...you need to also put yourself as first priority.
I'm sure your mom would be sad to know the truth about you doing terrible in college because of the babysitting burden. It seems to me you've already wasted a few years in college but it's not too late to step it up.
I strongly suggest you to speak to your family (brother, sister-in-law and mother). Be strong and just tell them straight out your thoughts and what you will do from now on. Say NO when you need to. Don't just go along with whatever they say/do. Again, it's your life and even though you love your nephews, they are NOT your responsibility. I really hope things get better and that you don't have to drop out of college.
Sit them down and talk it over. What a shame that so many people have kids that they aren't able to take care of
[quote=JoyfulCharm]This makes me wonder...why exactly do they have 4 kids if they can't bother to take care of them themselves? I pity the kids.
You're in a tough situation since it deals with family
What is your mom's opinion? Is she fine with you babysitting the kids all the time?
Is it possible for you to go look for a part-time job? Or maybe volunteer somewhere so that you're not being stressed out? This is really just an excuse to not look after the kids but in my opinion, your brother and sister-in-law are at fault for neglecting their own kids.
You need to be firm and make it clear that you won't be able to look after the kids for long periods of time. It would also benefit the kids to have their parents around...
I'm surprised you have that much time to babysit your nephews during the school year. I'm also a college student and I'm usually in school from 9am-6pm (classes, studying, homework, work, etc). Does babysitting the kids affect your academics?[/quote]
My mom doesn't care what I think, she still supports me babysitting them. Lots of things have happened to my family, and she would like for us to all along because things have happened in the past where our family fell apart. As long as I have nothing to do in the summer she'll agree with my brother "You have nothing to do, so you have to babysit your nieces and nephews". She is also aware of how stressed out I am and how I loathe my brother for doing this to me, yet she still wants that "perfect family" again where we all support and help each other out.
I could look for a part time job, but it doesn't really matter because the INSTANT I get a break or work off my brother will come to me and say "Here, watch the kids".
During my school year, I get home at around 5-6PM (everyday), but I go to my aunt's house because they live near the bus station (I commute via bus), then I finally get home at around 9-10PM. Now here's the catch, I get home and my brother and sister-in-law want to go out, and my mom doesn't get home till like 10:30-11PM, so they have me watch their kids. They get home at 1-3AM. I have school the next day. This happens 1-2 times a week. However, there are some days where I get class off or I get home early, etc etc. I then have to watch the kids for basically the whole day.
And when the weekend comes, they drop the kids off on Friday night 9-10PM, and then they leave the kids over for the weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. My mom goes to work on Saturdays so I basically have to watch the kids of a full 12-15 hours. Then she gets Sunday's off (most of the time...). But whenever she needs/wants to go somewhere, I obviously have to watch the kids.
At the end of the semester when my classes start ending, I now have some days where I have no class, and so they tell me to watch the kids for those days. 8-13+ hours.
It's 8-13 hours because they will go "to the store" and then they come home again, AND THEN THEY SAY "Hey, watch the kids for a few more hours, we are going out". And then 4-6 hours later they come home. THEY DO THIS EVERY TIME.
Note: they refuse to get a babysitter/nanny because they do not make enough money. They still have to pay off their Auto-loans, and the rent for their home/apartment is like $1k, so their bills rack up quite a lot of their income. And since "I'm just a college student" I need to stay home and watch the kids.
Here's what my brother would say: "You don't work yet, you're only a student, so you need to watch the kids because mom works. I work and your sister-in-law works. And we won't get a babysitter because we can barely afford one, so whenever we need you to babysit the kids, you have to do it."
I have failed the past 2 semesters of my junior year. I also did piss poor my second semester of my freshman year, and I failed my first semester of my sophomore year. Only I haven't told any of my family that because I love them too much. I have been watching their kids for 4-5 years now, the hours were more lenient when I was in high school (which is odd for some reason since I was home more often), and now that I am in college my hours babysitting are even worse.
Note: I'm the only child of my mom to have ever gone to college, but I'm probably not gonna graduate on time (or at all)....or I'm gonna drop out.
@Omegathorion Of course, except where does it say that babysitting should be MY house chore? The kids are her grandchildren---my brother's kids. My brother lives separately from us.
3-5k and can't afford daycare...unless they want to pay you don't do free stuff; it's not your problem they can't manage their finances to afford daycare for their kids.
tell them you're a busy college student, you don't wanna sacrifice your time/education/youth; and take care of their own kids.
[quote=GreatRomantic]They won't. My brother goes to work around noon (this is when he drops off the kids at my mom's door). My sister would have gone to work at around 4-5AM, gets back at around 11-2PM...or SHOUL SUPPOSED TO BE BACK BY THEN. But then it's already like 7-8PM and then she comes to get them, OR they just leave the kids with me until my mom comes home and "takes over" which is at 10PM (this happens all the time instead of the first option).
They always find a reason. "Oh I have to go to the store" or "I have to go pay a bill".....and then 6-10+ hours later.......they finally come home.
Oh and also, when they want to go to the store, NOT ONE OF THEM can go to the store alone. They both have to go and they leave the kids with me.
And of course they won't pay me. "I'm family, I don't need to get paid". I know my brother enough to say that he would say that. And he would never pay me for anything. If I ask him for a $20, he'll occasionally give me it. But other than that, nope.[/quote]
This makes me wonder...why exactly do they have 4 kids if they can't bother to take care of them themselves? I pity the kids.
You're in a tough situation since it deals with family
What is your mom's opinion? Is she fine with you babysitting the kids all the time?
Is it possible for you to go look for a part-time job? Or maybe volunteer somewhere so that you're not being stressed out? This is really just an excuse to not look after the kids but in my opinion, your brother and sister-in-law are at fault for neglecting their own kids.
You need to be firm and make it clear that you won't be able to look after the kids for long periods of time. It would also benefit the kids to have their parents around...
I'm surprised you have that much time to babysit your nephews during the school year. I'm also a college student and I'm usually in school from 9am-6pm (classes, studying, homework, work, etc). Does babysitting the kids affect your academics?
[quote=GreatRomantic]I have an "obligation because I'm staying at home"?[/quote]
Yeah. You're living with your mom. Are you paying her rent? If not, it's ok, but the least you can do is cover miscellaneous chores around the house (such as babysitting). It's like the same etiquette you would pay if you were couchsurfing at a friend's house.
they are taking advantage of you and your mom. my sister does this with her daughter (my niece) to my mom and grandma and she is scum in my eyes (not for that reason but for others) they see it as youre supposed to do it instead of them being an actual parent and seeing what is best for the kids. call em out. you have to be prepared though. it is gonna turn into a fight 100%. there will be yelling. have your argument ready for it dosnt just turn into a yelling war. just because youre there dosnt mean you have to do it. my sister was slowly making me do it but i called her out years ago saying its not my kid and you should be a parent instead of a waste of space. never asks me to babysit again.
[quote=JoyfulCharm]Since this has been going on for a few years already, you really should speak to your brother and sister-in-law about this. Watching over kids (especially at such young ages) for such long hours is definitely stressful.They're taking advantage of you being "free at home" and since it's causing you stress, it's not good for yourself or your nephews either (assuming you might do something bad under stress).
If I were you, I would tell them to shorten the hours to your preference or at least compensate you for those hours. I'm not sure what situation your brother and sister-in-law are in but from the way you put it, they're neglecting their children and disregarding their responsibilities as parents. I hope you and your family can compromise on this.[/quote]
They won't. My brother goes to work around noon (this is when he drops off the kids at my mom's door). My sister would have gone to work at around 4-5AM, gets back at around 11-2PM...or SHOUL SUPPOSED TO BE BACK BY THEN. But then it's already like 7-8PM and then she comes to get them, OR they just leave the kids with me until my mom comes home and "takes over" which is at 10PM (this happens all the time instead of the first option).
They always find a reason. "Oh I have to go to the store" or "I have to go pay a bill".....and then 6-10+ hours later.......they finally come home.
Oh and also, when they want to go to the store, NOT ONE OF THEM can go to the store alone. They both have to go and they leave the kids with me.
And of course they won't pay me. "I'm family, I don't need to get paid". I know my brother enough to say that he would say that. And he would never pay me for anything. If I ask him for a $20, he'll occasionally give me it. But other than that, nope.
Since this has been going on for a few years already, you really should speak to your brother and sister-in-law about this. Watching over kids (especially at such young ages) for such long hours is definitely stressful.They're taking advantage of you being "free at home" and since it's causing you stress, it's not good for yourself or your nephews either (assuming you might do something bad under stress).
If I were you, I would tell them to shorten the hours to your preference or at least compensate you for those hours. I'm not sure what situation your brother and sister-in-law are in but from the way you put it, they're neglecting their children and disregarding their responsibilities as parents. I hope you and your family can compromise on this.
[quote=Omegathorion]On one hand, you have an obligation because you're staying at home.
On the other hand, it sounds like it would genuinely help the kids if their parents spent more time with them.
Maybe try presenting it from the kid's perspective rather than your own. Persuade the parents to stay for their kid's sake, don't even bring up your own problems.[/quote]
I have an "obligation because I'm staying at home"?
And they won't stay with their kids whenever they get work off. They want "Me Time" for themselves. They sometimes do take the kids out, but only the older two. The 3 year old and 2 year old they leave with me (which I don't understand because it's not the winter anymore). The younger ones always cry because they get left behind, and I have to deal with it.
On one hand, you have an obligation because you're staying at home.
On the other hand, it sounds like it would genuinely help the kids if their parents spent more time with them.
Maybe try presenting it from the kid's perspective rather than your own. Persuade the parents to stay for their kid's sake, don't even bring up your own problems.
They refuse to have one of them be a stay-at-home parent (they both want to work). They don't make enough money each month to be able to pay off their bills and supply for their kids, so they can't get a babysitter. Since I'm just at home enjoying my summer, they look to me and drop off the kids at my mom's door.
I can't help it because my brother literally BRINGS THEM TO THE DOOR.
"I have to go to work, so watch the kids until your sister-in-law comes home"..........8+ hours later....she finally comes get the kids, even though she already got off work 4-6 hours earlier.
Tell them off. The 5 year old and 4 year old should be in kindergarten/preschool already and the other 2 can stay in daycare. If for whatever reason they come up with they refuse to send them off, then ask them to pay you for watching their kids. It's not your responsibility to babysit for hours and hours every day.
tell him they aint yo goddam kids and say you arent gonna deal with them anymore
seriously it's not your problem you have stuff to do