General

you should commentate on my games instead

I think it was good, but you definitely need to lower the game volume

Commentators have a double role as analysts. They need to be able to provide insightful remarks about tactics and psychology. Right now, you have pretty much none of that. I mean, you literally just said "as you can see, this guy is very good at the game." Can you at least provide an explanation why? What makes this guy so good at the game? His reflexes, his teamwork, his position, his aim, his foresight, his mindgames? There are so, so many things to dig into, but your video provides nothing. I've learned absolutely nothing and gained no knowledge from your video. I don't think that's what you want.

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nHF9STUX04]This clip from League of Legends[/url] is one of my personal favorites. It goes into so much depth to describe exactly what happens frame by frame in a very hectic fight. The whole scene is over in about ten seconds, but there's so much analysis behind the hood to show just how amazing the player is at the game.

Maybe try talking over your own gameplay instead of your friends? And like everyone else said, game volume is way too loud o.o

Can't comment on the commentary because I can barely hear you over the game audio o.o

I feel like you are disconnected from the gameplay. Your screen shows gameplay and although you are talking about that gameplay, it just feels scripted and not spontaneous.

1. You try too hard
2. The game's sound is way too loud and you can barely hear your commentary.

I think you need to stop "trying" to be enthusiastic. Like i can tell you are trying hard but its somewhat not natural. You have to sound like you are natural and really enjoy the game. I guess being funny is also good thing