Rate a part of my book?
I've been doing some freelance writing and was wondering what I needed to work on. Thought of this out of the blue and wrote a part of it. Constructive criticism welcomed!
The Summoner
Mr. Bowler glanced back again for the seventh time. His rabbit foot dangling on the edge of his pocket, the garlic necklace hitting against his neck repelling everyone next to him, and his holy water vial cupped in his hand made him a very suspicious, nerve- racking and quite a hideous man. He backed slowly away from the grimy and dark alleys of London and entered into a turmoil of passing women and men on their way to church. He tilted his blood-stained fedora at a low angle, obscuring his face and making him unrecognizable. His brisk and efficient walk parted a way through the crowd as if he was Moses and behind him, two pairs of footsteps were following him. The sweat dripped of his neck and forehead like a greasy burger being squeezed out of its juices and he gripped his rabbit's foot tighter. Their pace quickened and he sprinted down the streets like a madman oblivious to the passer byers. He stopped at the black man hole He cursed at himself for not being prepared for this crucial moment and he glanced at the book he was holding. It was titled The Summoner's Guide to Literary Characters and he looked at the label on the spine that stood out against the ashen gray cover of the book in red that stated FOR PROFESSIONAL MAGICIANS ONLY.
He sighed, "Guess I'll just have to summon him again. Stupid Arcs."
He flipped to the familiar page of 221 and glanced at the heading in flowery letters: The Hound. His breath quickened and the words on the page depicting the infamous beast of the Baskervilles swirled around the page as if a wind was sifting through each and every letter. The ground rumbled with a roar that was majestic as a tiger, but yet fearful like a panther. The wind swirled in a colossal black tornado that was devoid of anything else except the infamous Hound of Baskervilles; ready to protect it's summoner from the Snipers. The remaining footsteps behind him came faster and faster and he waited patiently. They stopped. The Snipers held their dragon staffs in their life hand and their veins bulged from the weight and tension between the final moment.
The first one was black haired; cut into a straight mohawk with two earrings on either side of his ear. His sardonic grin and arrogant manner gave you an impression of a confident ignorant idiot which is never a good combination. Axel's hands were calloused with long years of chasing the Summoner and muscles bulged from every manner in his body. The two long scars that crossed over each eyelid was given to him in an initiation ceremony. It bore the mark of a magician; a third tier rank of a mage. His partner, however, was completely different in she was calm and cunning. Her brown hair fell down at shoulder length and her calculated eyes gave a distinct impression of a clever opponent. Her dragon staff was slightly longer and made of sturdier wood and filled with more power. Daisy was a Sorceress; a second tier rank of a enchantress. Her powers were unfathomable; she could hail creatures from stories that would would petrify you and yet her beauty was unmatched. The scar never appeared on her face because she lashed out against the Arc's leader and even he did not punish her because he fear her also.
Axel gave a arrogant laugh, 'Ol man, you ain't got nothin' on us ya hear? Man, that dog is tiny, whas he gon' do bite me?
"Maybe he will," Mr. Bowler proclaimed.
"He sure one hell of a dog."
"It's a hound."
"Shut up you old fart!, thinkin' youse clever or somthin'? You an idiot Bowlie, getting trapped with no one to help you."
"Still saying "youse" Axel? Geez, get rid of the lisp, it's making "youuuuuse" sound stupid."
Daisy screeched, "Youse shut up about my partner okay? You're just a fat little man who was entrusted with an ancient book and you don't deserve it. Hand it over. Now."
Axel glared at her venomously when she said "youse," but she gave him a smile and his snarl melted away into a smile that would have made any dentist proud.
Mr. Bowler looked at the two of them in turn and then separately, "No, I don't think I will."
He looked at his loyal and infamous companion and told the Hound of Baskervilles to attack.
The Hound tore loose from Mr. Bowler, but Axel pointed his staff at the dog and muttered
"Recesserimus!"
Blue flames shot from the staff and pierced its way through the air and targeted itself at the dog. In the last second, the Hound sprinted and with its flexing hind legs, jumped through the morning sky and hurled its massive body against Axel. The breath was knocked out of him and he felt the beast's claw rake over his whole body, drawing out crimson red blood that bellowed out of his body like a massive waterfall. He shrieked in pain and gazed painfully at Daisy. She pointed her staff at the hound and struck it on the forehead. It whimpered in agony and crawled back pathetically back to Mr. Bowler.
Daisy gave a devilish grin, "Your mutt isn't a match for me Bowlie, better hand 'em over."
"What happens if I don't give it?"
"You save the book from our evil purposes, but die in agony for eternity"
"Sounds fun."
"Quite."
The Hound whimpered in protest and Mr. Bowler looked at Daisy and the book weighing his options. Do I have time for another spell he thought. He was quite worn out after killing his stalker back in the alley and running down the streets of London while summoning the Hound from thin air wasn't exactly reassuring him.
2 Comments • Newest first
What fiction stories have you read about magic and stuff which is a common thing. I don't like visualizing ugly male characters. Do you like publish them like ebooks and stuff. What is your target audience. The title has already been taken. I did not enjoy the reading.
gimmie a sec to read it. Overall it's good, much better than I expected, to be honest. you've got a few grammar errors but nothing serious. Nice character descritpions as well, and it sounds quite interesting.
Mr. Bowler glanced back again for the seventh time. His rabbit foot dangling on the edge of his pocket, the garlic necklace hitting against his neck repelling everyone next to him, and his holy water vial cupped in his hand made him a very suspicious, nerve-wracking and quite a hideous man. [[you need to either leave off 'quite a' here, or rearrange this sentence, it doesn't flow imo. looks weird.]]
He backed slowly away from the grimy and dark alleys of London and entered into [[the]] turmoil of passing women and men on their way to church. He tilted his blood-stained fedora at a low angle, obscuring his face and making him unrecognizable. His brisk and efficient walk parted a way through the crowd as if he was Moses. Behind him, two pairs of footsteps were following him. The sweat dripped of his neck and forehead like a greasy burger being squeezed out of its juices [[nice image ]] and he gripped his rabbit's foot tighter. Their pace quickened and he sprinted down the streets like a madman oblivious to passersby[[i looked this word up and it says the plural form is 'passersby' but it just sounds weird. keep it or leave it, up to you.]].
He stopped at the black man hole [[and]] cursed himself for not being prepared for this crucial moment. He glanced at the book he was holding, titled "The Summoner's Guide to Literary Characters" and looked at the label on the spine that stood out against the ashen gray cover of the book in red that stated FOR PROFESSIONAL MAGICIANS ONLY.
He sighed, "Guess I'll just have to summon him again. Stupid Arcs."
He flipped to the familiar page of 221 and glanced at the heading in flowery letters: The Hound. His breath quickened and the words on the page depicting the infamous beast of the Baskervilles swirled around the page as if a wind was sifting through each and every letter. The ground rumbled with a roar that was majestic as a tiger, but yet fearful like a panther. The wind swirled in a colossal black tornado that was devoid of anything else except the infamous Hound of Baskervilles; ready to protect it's summoner from the Snipers. The remaining footsteps behind him came faster and faster and he waited patiently. They stopped. The Snipers held their dragon staffs in their life hand and their veins bulged from the weight and tension between the final moment.
The first one was black haired; cut into a straight mohawk with two earrings on either side of his ear. His sardonic grin and arrogant manner gave you an impression of a confident, yet ignorant, idiot which is never a good combination. Axel's hands were calloused with long years of chasing the Summoner and muscles bulged from every manner in his body. The two long scars that crossed over each eyelid was given to him in an initiation ceremony. It bore the mark of a magician; a third tier rank of a mage. His partner, however, was completely different, she was calm and cunning. Her brown hair fell down at shoulder length and her calculated eyes gave a distinct impression of a clever opponent. Her dragon staff was slightly longer and made of sturdier wood and filled with more power. Daisy was a Sorceress; a second tier rank of a enchantress. Her powers were unfathomable; she could hail creatures from stories that would would petrify you, her beauty was also unmatched. The initiation scar was not on her face because she lashed out against the Arc's leader and even he did not punish her because he also feared her.
Axel gave a arrogant laugh, 'Ol man, you ain't got nothin' on us ya hear? Man, that dog is tiny, whas he gon' do bite me?
"Maybe he will," Mr. Bowler proclaimed.
"He sure one hell of a dog."
"It's a hound."
"Shut up you old fart!, thinkin' youse clever or somthin'? You an idiot Bowlie, getting trapped with no one to help you."
"Still saying "youse" Axel? Geez, get rid of the lisp, it's making "youuuuuse" sound stupid."
Daisy screeched, "Youse shut up about my partner okay? You're just a fat little man who was entrusted with an ancient book and you don't deserve it. Hand it over. Now."
Axel glared at her venomously when she said "youse," but she gave him a smile and his snarl melted away into a smile that would have made any dentist proud.
Mr. Bowler looked at the two of them in turn and then separately, "No, I don't think I will."
He looked at his loyal and infamous companion and told the Hound of Baskervilles to attack.
The Hound tore loose from Mr. Bowler, but Axel pointed his staff at the dog and muttered
"Recesserimus!"
Blue flames shot from the staff and pierced its way through the air and targeted itself at the dog. At the last second, the Hound sprinted and with its flexing hind legs, jumped through the morning sky and hurled its massive body against Axel. The breath was knocked out of him and he felt the beast's claw rake over his whole body, drawing out crimson red blood that bellowed out of his body like a massive waterfall. He shrieked in pain and gazed painfully at Daisy. She pointed her staff at the hound and struck it on the forehead. It whimpered in agony and crawled back pathetically back to Mr. Bowler.
Daisy gave a devilish grin, "Your mutt isn't a match for me Bowlie, better hand 'em over."
"What happens if I don't give it?"
"You save the book from our evil purposes, but die in agony for eternity"
"Sounds fun."
"Quite."
The Hound whimpered in protest and Mr. Bowler looked at Daisy and the book weighing his options. 'Do I have time for another spell?' he thought. He was quite worn out after killing his stalker back in the alley, and running down the streets of London while summoning the Hound from thin air wasn't exactly reassuring him.
went through and made a few changes.