My boyfriend is cheap. How do I make him understand why this
makes me unhappy, without sounding like a gold digger?
We have been going out for over a year. I didn't get a birthday present. I told him not to get me anything for Christmas. For Valentines he gave me a Twix and a pack of Reese's he got for free from work. Granted, I didn't give him any presents either.
He asked me out on a date once to some Italian place, because he had a coupon for buy one pasta dish get one free. Then it turned out he read it wrong and he would have to pay for both of our entrees, and so he said "Hey, I've been thinking that I've been picking up an unfair amount of the bill lately and it's been bothering me, so can we split this one?" It was $30 total. We had gone out the previous week and I think the bill for that time was around $60. Before that we hadn't really gone on a date for a month or two because we both were busy.
We went hiking together one day, and then on the way back I wanted to get ice cream. He looked up ice cream places near by, and found one. Then he looked up reviews, and said that it looked pricey, and then he asked me if we could go somewhere else. We ended up going to McDonald's, and I paid for my McFlurry.
Countless instances where I'll be telling him about something I bought, and he'll go "What, that's so expensive! You could have gotten it cheaper..."
I can't really blame someone for trying to save money, but c'mon! When I talked to him about the food, he was just like "You shouldn't [i]expect[/i] someone to pay for you all the time!" I agree, but when I expect my boyfriend would rather hang on to his money than treat me to anything [i]ever[/i] then I feel like I have a right to complain?
For reference, he's not broke - he has a well paying job. His family is well off. He has money, it just hurts his soul to part with it - whether on me, [i]or[/i] for himself. He said he's not saving for anything either.
Now whenever money comes up I get irritated. And the contrast just makes him look worse because my sister always tells me about her boyfriend who buys her tons of stuff and never lets her pay for anything when she's out with him.
But to keep my boyfriend from sounding like a total villain, he'd probably [i]do[/i] anything for me that didn't involve money. Ex: I called him fat when he first asked me out. I wanted him to not like me anymore. Instead he lost 40 pounds. I once got him to come make strawberry nutella crepes for me in the middle of night.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I've been stewing on this for awhile. As most of basil's population is male, what is your take on my boyfriend?
Edit: Allright so more background! I didn't like him when we started going out, I just thought of him as a good friend. I do like him now, mostly because he likes me, which may or may not be strange. I don't expect him to pay for all my food, but back then I also didn't expect him to imply he's going to treat me to dinner, and then back out of it. Back when the whole pasta thing went down, we actually ate out together quite often, and we paid for our own food. But those don't count as dates, it's just...eating together. I don't mind spending my own money. I have a job that pays decently too, and if I feel like it's worth it I'll spend my money. So if I really want something, of course I'll buy it myself. I've never asked for presents. It's just kind of sad to think that if I stay with him I can look forwards to no presents ever, and probably never dinner somewhere nice.
So I told him he could save his money and never get me any presents or any food, and I'd pay for myself always. This then made him upset. There is no winning?
=======
Ok guys, I gotta go sleep. Thanks for all the replies, it's been an interesting read. For all those who said I'm not a gold digger for being upset, thank you . For all those who said I was, . I guess my definition of gold digger doesn't quite match yours. And I'm not that successful! No gold dug in 1+ year...If you find a girl (or guy) who is perfectly happy with never going on dates ( I call split bill "we ate together" <--- which is fine, but not a date ) and never getting any presents, then do be sure hang on to him or her and treasure them, because I think chances of that's pretty rare.
79 Comments • Newest first
@evyxx:
Logic and opinion don't always agree. If you think that there is no [b]reasonable[/b] explanation for the way women are treated, then I would completely agree that your statement is a valid opinion; I wouldn't agree with the statement itself.
She has not stated in the original post that she's paid for dinners. The following were what she did state :
1. Her boy paid $60 on a dinner in one week.
2. Her boy never made her pay for his dinners; in fact, he paid for his own.
3. Her boy would go over with a favorite dessert in the middle of the night when she asked.
4. Her boy would lose 40 pounds in order for her to accept him.
5. Her impression of her boy is that he is willing to do anything for her, as long as it isn't monetarily wasteful [i.e - eating out or buying gifts in order to 'prove' your love]
Sounds like she is trapped in the consumerism that affects most women. You are seriously contributing to the way we stereotype women by adding that "it's a bit more [b]ridiculous[/b] when your well-off s/o never gets you the smallest of gifts or pays for dates when he says he will", because it is obvious that he had paid for dates before and that he [b]does[/b] give her the gift of real love. What you consider to be a "gift" may be materialistic, but I think that simple hugs, changing your girl's oil / inspecting her broken down car on your own time, giving her kisses, making her breakfast or her favorite desserts and other sentimental items would suffice.
I am so lucky I didn't marry this type of woman; yet I still sense it in my own wife whenever she wants to buy a pair of boots and I advise her against it. She has 3 pairs already -_-. Seriously. When a man goes to you in the middle of the night based on a luxury that you are craving - that's a sign of a good catch.
You best just split the cost of dates and everything for now except for gifts, cause you never know how it will turn out. On your present course, you just sound like you want him for paying for your stuff.
I say this because I really don't see the point in him buying you stuff and paying for your stuff, cause, even though I'm not saying you will, you could just break up with him at ANY time. I've spent maybe $400 on my ex-GF over two and a half years, not to mention the time wasted, and this started when I was 13, long before I had a job and only had allowance; she cheated on me twice and thats how it ended. Obnoxiously, two weeks after she cheated she claimed she changed and we went shopping and I bought her $60 worth of clothes, then she cheated on me again with the same guy very literally the next day, hence my dislike for anyone who thinks like that.
I hate gender rolls. Your boyfriend is a cheap ass so just take turns paying on dates.
[quote=redbeanbun]Why is there a lot of people calling her a gold digger. Is it not true that a gold digger is a person that is only in a relationship for material items? She would have left him by now if she was.
But I do find it strange that you called him fat when you first got together o.o, why are you even going out? I understand why you are complaining but you should also give him some random small gifts. If it really bothers you that much and he's not getting the hint, talk to him about it.[/quote]
Although she did not specify an amount, she [i]did[/i] say that she wanted her boyfriend to spend more money on her. I have to agree with most on this thread and say that she's a golddigger to a certain extent. She wants him to spend more on her when it seems as if she hardly spends much on him.
When I have money and my girlfriend doesn't I pay for her.
Same goes vice-versa.
The answer is, your bf is smart, and you need to stop and appreciate that. One day you will find how useless all these immediate gratifications are and wish you had your cheap bf to help you value the simple things.
well yes, money is a thing not everybod has and it shows you're willing to share your earnings with that person
it's honestly a trust thing imo
i'll be honest, if any of my s/o's refuse to spend a dollar on me i'd be worried they think we're not going to last/not worth it
i'm sorry if i'm backpedaling like hell here i havne't slept in a long time and im not entirelysure what im saying
i said it's nice ebcause...it's nice... to recieve presents...from your loved ones..that mean a lot to you.... . .. . . . not because he's a man.... it'dalso be nice of her to do that too
it's wrong to buy it JUST BECAUSE SEHS A WOMAN. it's fine to buy it because you love her and want to spoil her sometimes.
@osiji: those 'expectations' are wrong and should be treated as such whenever you come into contact with people with those beliefs
@osiji: i;m sorry you have that view of relationships dude you must be dating some horrible antifeminist women
Leave him.
@ehnogi: uhhh no ? wtf, there is no logical explanation for the way women are treated
she has stated in this thread she's paid for dinners before
it's a bit more than ridiculous when your well-off s/o never gets you the smallest of gifts or pays for dates when he says he will.
You are the reason why women are treated the way they are; because you contribute to te stereotype by complaining that your boyfriend doesn't buy you enough things- especially when you don't buy HIM anything.
@osiji: it's not 'hurr hurr u wanted equal rites here u go'
This happens in homo- relationships as well
It is literally 2 people ina relationship and one is cheap
i don't think TS is complaining about him being *cheap* she's complaining about him *literally spending NO money on her*
every few months jsut a friggin stuffed animal you got for $2 is nice
Man's saving up for a house to live with you in.
Is he in a tight financial situation? student loans, minimum wage, etc?
edit: nvm didn't read your entire post.
Talk to him. Ask if tehre's a reason he doesn't like paying for dinner ("do you feel like this relationship isn't worth spending money on?" etc)
Or tell him you're nto feeling appreciated enough (because I think that's what's happening here, honestly)
I know whenever I'm feeling really unliked my boyfriend's not afraid to get me a small gift and spend the night with me
I had a good laugh when reading this.
Money doesn't grow on trees. But I do understand where you are coming from.
But maybe he is not rich... even for me when I do spending I have to warn my old girlfriend "hey I am out of money till I get paid, so can you hold for a week or two."
But it seems that there is no communication between the two of you.
Have u ever that maybe he doesnt want to waste money on u until its certain that the relationship is serious ? O_O as in marry serious
You're complaining about your boyfriend not paying enough money for you when he's the one giving his time for you? How ungrateful
He's probably saving up for something special for you?
I don't know but I think you BOTH needa spend money on each other... :S
He obviously doesn't love you enough.
Why are you guys still together? It seems he was like this from beginning but you are with him for a whole year, so it seems that it is not a big deal that you make it seem.
[quote=gtmftw]Heh well I guess Israel is technically in Asia.[/quote]
^ Lol.
Anyway, you haven't done anything special for him either, so why complain? You didn't give him anything, so why do you expect him to give you something? Yes, to be honest your boy friend is VERY VERY cheap. But you sound cheaper than him. Better dump him now and start finding a guy that will feed you money for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
That's just who he is, learn to deal with it or break up with him. Everyone has their faults, you just have to learn to deal with them. This guy sounds like a great guy, I don't see why you're complaining about something so minor. Most boyfriends wouldn't do those things that he did for you, especially that early in the game.
So let me get this straight.
You don't buy him anything, but he at least gives you some chocolate. He pays for you sometimes. You only pay for yourself sometimes.
And you are mad at him for this.
I think you already know what I'm going to say.
You could tell him that if he just got you some nice stuff now and then, and underline that you dont mean expensive stuff such as pearl necklaces or antyhing, you'd be really happy! I got my ex tons of tiny presents now and then because i liked spoiling her But neither of them costed more than 5$ a piece hehe.
Just tell him you'd like to feel spoiled sometimes!
There's not much you can do to change him, to be honest. From my life experiences, I will guarantee that for as long as you stay with him, he will not learn his lesson. Your choices are: stay with him, and get in a fight everytime money is brought up... Or leave him.
Also, it seems the relationship is quite one-sided. Regardless if he has a well-paying job or not, unless he's in his 30's, his salary will not be able to treat two people on a regular basis. The fact that you don't consider something a date if you're paying for your own food is very shallow; you say you don't expect him to pay for anything, but in reality, that's really what you want.
Too many girls expect guys to pay for everything, but tons of girls don't do what girls did when guys took care of all the money. Don't voice your opinion, have everything cleaned, and a meal prepared for me when I get home from work. If you don't want your boyfriend to expect these things out of you, and to treat you like an intellectual human being, then you shouldn't force him into situations he's not comfortable with.
[quote=tumms]He's probably Asian.[/quote] im asian but in not cheap not alll just some
digger of gold
Gold Digger
equal rights right here!
well, ur not really a gold digger. You just want your man to act like a real gentlemen.
We have a tough economic situation right now so it is wise to save money wherever possible.
Now whenever money comes up I get irritated. And the contrast just makes him look worse because my sister always tells me about her boyfriend who buys her tons of stuff and never lets her pay for anything when she's out with him.
this statement explains your current situation.
[quote=XtraTZu]Play the guilt card and constantly buy him gifts until he buys you one?[/quote]
But I don't want him to buy me presents anymore! And I wouldn't want a present because he felt guilty, I'd want a present because he wanted to give me one. Maybe that's what bothers me, more than the money? But I am bothered in general by his cheapness too, so idk. Well for reference then, present ideas? Mostly he seems to just like food, and things not appropriate for basil.
[quote=Misunderstood]They only need equality when it fits them. Kind of sad.[/quote]
Hey, I hold the door for guys! In all seriousness though - what would a completely equal relationship for me and my boyfriend be like? We could both always pay for our own food and never get each other presents no matter what the occasion. Does that not sound depressing to you? Is that the kind of relationship you guys want for yourselves, what you want other people to have, when you imply that I don't like equality?
[quote=NewbZealand]Why should he make the effort if you don't either?
selfish a.f.[/quote]
Please enlighten me on what a.f. is.
He obviously likes you a lot or else he wouldn't have lost 40 pounds to be with you, nor would he have gotten you what you wanted in the middle of the night. He's cheap? So what, he still attempts to show you he cares in his own way. You also appear to be selfish, as you also seem to not contribute to the relationship at all by not getting him everything. Why should he waste his hard earned money when you don't even think he's worthy enough of getting jack from you? Break up with him, not because he's a bad boyfriend, but because he deserves someone better.
[quote=tinkerlush]As you said he mentioned you shouldn't expect things, I think he's [i]too[/i] used to being friends so he's comfortable with being cheap. I have a friend who I'd say is cheap because he likes searching for deals and coupons, but he uses those on his girlfriend. They still go out and eat, if there's a coupon... They even made me third wheel so they can get their discount >.< But your bf seems to be stingier. Maybe switch the roles and pay for one date and see if he pays for the next?[/quote]
I once paid for a date when I owed him money. He was saying "No you shouldn't have to pay for me!" but he didn't protest very hard because I said I owed him and I could tell he was happy about getting free food. I ended up paying way more than I actually owed him, but when he complains about the un-even-ness of food-buying between us he always says I only did it because I owed him. Now that I think of it, I've actually treated him to birthday dinner and cake.
[quote=AlaricFM]You can give him hints, maybe. "I how I would [b][i]LOVE[/i][/b] if someone bought me this necklace~. Too bad no one loves me enough to actually buy it for me~"[/quote]
Lol! I couldn't obviously hint him into buying a chocolate bar from the checkout line at the grocery store for me.
[quote=PlainSoda]did you ever care to ask about his financial situation..?[/quote]
[quote=Meergl]For reference, he's not broke - he has a well paying job. His family is well off. He has money, it just hurts his soul to part with it - whether on me, or for himself. He said he's not saving for anything either.[/quote]His financial situation is quite stable. He just hates spending money on anything. So it's not that he'll splurge on himself and then be cheap on me, he's just cheap all around. Like he wants to be better dressed but then thinks everything nice is too expensive.
did you ever care to ask about his financial situation..?
You can give him hints, maybe. "I how I would [b][i]LOVE[/i][/b] if someone bought me this necklace~. Too bad no one loves me enough to actually buy it for me~"
As you said he mentioned you shouldn't expect things, I think he's [i]too[/i] used to being friends so he's comfortable with being cheap. I have a friend who I'd say is cheap because he likes searching for deals and coupons, but he uses those on his girlfriend. They still go out and eat, if there's a coupon... They even made me third wheel so they can get their discount >.< But your bf seems to be stingier. Maybe switch the roles and pay for one date and see if he pays for the next?
[quote=Ecoutie]To be honest I'm in a very similar situation as you. I love my bf and surprising him with gifts is just one way I show my affection... but it's never returned. I don't "expect" anything or feel like he owes me anything at all. In fact I'd be happy if he did something for me without spending money as long as it was from his heart. But I'm left wondering am I being a gold digger for being hurt that he's never given me a gift? (Not bday, not Christmas, not Valentines day)... When I've given him many gifts. Even for no occasion. :O Or does he just not care for me enough to do anything? Valentines Day is the last time we talked/argued about this. </3 Any advice would definitely be appreciated... And breaking up with him isn't an option. I really do love him. I'm worried that this kind of thing isn't something someone can easily change though.[/quote]
Hm.. Is he shy?
To be honest I'm in a very similar situation as you. I love my bf and surprising him with gifts is just one way I show my affection... but it's never returned. I don't "expect" anything or feel like he owes me anything at all. In fact I'd be happy if he did something for me without spending money as long as it was from his heart. But I'm left wondering am I being a gold digger for being hurt that he's never given me a gift? (Not bday, not Christmas, not Valentines day)... When I've given him many gifts. Even for no occasion. :O Or does he just not care for me enough to do anything? Valentines Day is the last time we talked/argued about this. </3 Any advice would definitely be appreciated... And breaking up with him isn't an option. I really do love him. I'm worried that this kind of thing isn't something someone can easily change though.
[quote=ironborn]Well, you can talk to him about if this really is a healthy behavior. I mean, he is well payed and doesn't really need the money since he's not saving it for anything.
Then it's quite a strange behavior to hold on to it. Talk with him about this, after a year of dating you should understand that communication is the way to go.[/quote]
I have talked to him about it. He just says I shouldn't expect things. Well I shouldn't expect to get tons of free stuff. But if we don't expect some things, we might as well be just friends? And he told me his mother calls him cheap too. I get compared to his mother a little less than often, which is still mildly disturbing.
U should be like I'm living thuuuuggg life
Oh geez... wish I could help you... my Fiance likes saving money but he also loves spending money on me (which I hate though )
I'll ask him tomorrow how he would want me approaching a subject like that... maybe that'll result in something productive..
Threaten your bf with no sexytime for one month!
Also, if I get banned for saying 'sexytime' then this forum has no hope left. There's brick tons of posts worse off than mine.
well imo i think hes just really really cheap and doesnt care enough to pay for you at all...its ok for him to ask you pay or split the bill once in a while i dont think you have to pay for everything
your not a gold digger im pretty sure you wouldve left him by now if you were
and the last part lol wow what a baby c'mon...
You sound whiney. Although it does bug me that he has the money and is just being stingy, I feel like you're expecting a lot without giving much in return. You say you're just with him because he liked you. It also annoys me that you called him fat when you first started dating. Not a good way to start a relationship in my opinion.