44 Concept and a request
[header][Open to submissions]Title names[/header]
Since the end of this thread is probably (not) coming near (seriously, this thread's survived a lot longer than I'd imagine), I might move recruitments to ART and work from there if I still need roles. I also cleaned up the OP so there's no walls of text.
[url=http://www.reddit.com/r/project44]Private subreddit, PM me(Adorability) for me to grant access. I will update links ON REDDIT before I update here.[/url]
Current low-priority major roles are recurring characters during the main party's travels. Condensing the selection process because I don't absolutely have to go in depth on your characters.
[header]Out with the Old; In with the New[/header]
[b]Removed:[/b]
- Factions: Just post your backstory and I will determine what side you will be on.
- Corrupted links
- Post-diary removed; this will become a 'sequel' of sorts if 44 is finished
- Character Profile Links(WARNING, CONTAINS SPOILERS)
[b]Added:[/b]
- Updated Links to the new folder
- Character Profile Folder Link
- Help section
[b]To be added:[/b]
- Finished Plot
- Finished Plan
- Complete 44 db link
[header]Common Misconceptions and General Information[/header]
[b]What is this?[/b]
A story(fan fiction to be precise) about the various people of forum 44 battling it out against the main protagonist's father, who hates the lot of them. Plot (will) thicken to an indescribable consistency when he joins forces with the Black Mage. Not very creative, I know. But it's all about the journey... Right?
Yes, it is a story. Yes, it will be excruciatingly long for you if you have the attention span of a pea. No, you are not required to read it. Do not post unnecessary posts about how long or boring it is. For the latter; explain why you think it is boring.
[b]Why can't I be a major character?/Why can't I participate?[/b]
First pre-requisite was to be a regular who posted/posts frequently during my time in forum 44. This was to ensure that I could accurately depict the person's character if they had similar personality traits and elements of their own.
This pre-requisite is now trumped by the fact that the main cast has been filled.
All participants are required to fill in a form that covers basic traits and information about the character. If you do not fill in this form, or if I am not happy with the contents of said form, I will ask you to re-do the parts that are deemed inadequate. Think it's unfair? Tough love; I need this information for a reason. I am not torturing you into providing this information, but if you do want to see yourself in this, you're going to have to comply by my rules.
[b]My submission was rejected. What is wrong with it?[/b]
Chances are, you did one or more of the following:
1) Included Mary/Gary Stu traits(traits that seem to be ridiculously unbalanced and unnatural of a human being; near perfect or perfect-esque traits)
2) Included information about being a human/animal hybrid. I do not write about furries and I do not intend on starting now. This means no animal parts randomly tacked onto a human.
3) Provided little to no (relevant) backstory. At first, I accepted most back stories. But this changed as I actually began to write. I do put in an effort to try and adapt your chosen backstory for your character, but there is a limit. Please attempt to stick to what I already have(refer to plot and current work) or just give me a basic outline of what up happens.
4)Provided little to no relevant information about people/things I do not know about. When explaining character relations between NPCs and the character, please explain the personality of the NPC. When explaining, presume that I have no prior knowledge of whatever you are explaining! I am not a level 200 that has seen all that Maple has to offer. I am brain-dead and will forget NPC dialogues. Please, PLEASE specify NPC personalities or I will unintentionally cause them to be OOC from what you intended.
5) Avoid becoming a class hybrid(owning more than one job/class) unless if you good reason to be so(no, being unique is not a good reason). There are weapon specializations for a reason.
[header]Why post here?[/header]
I know that the DrK section is not the best place to post this in, but it is a well known fact by now that the Art section is more or less strictly limited to visual art. Literature takes a back seat in the priority of forum 64, so I posted here.
I value criticism and I know that there are many people here who are capable of giving it. Therefore, in the best interests for me to improve as a writer, I will naturally post here. The story is relevant to DrKs. It now contains most of the regulars in it. I want this to be reflect all the insane(but undoubtedly awesome) people here, and the fictional adventures that they share from across the servers.
Sarcastically heartwarming tales aside, I'd much rather write about people I more or less know somehow than some random person off a thread.
[header]Work and Plot[/header]
[url=http://DivineScythe.deviantart.com/journal/CONCEPT-POTATOES-288707979#comments]The concept that started it all. Outdated; redone version is in the 44 link[/url]
[url=http://db.tt/EQ026JQ1]Current finished work is Death by Midnight, the raw story for a future arc in 44(UNEDITED, EDITED IS IN 44). 14k[/url]
[url=http://db.tt/7EbKrW98]Current WIP is the actual story. Lilienne/Kayla arc. 45.7k total IIRC [/url]
[B]SPOILER ALERT! PLOT/PLAN OF ARCS AHEAD, DO NOT READ IF YOU PLAN ON NOT KNOWING THE STORY UNTIL THE THING'S DONE![/b]
[quote=Plan] [b]Prologue:[/b] Diary entry #1, Lilienne Backstory #1(a circle of fire), Diary Entry #2, Hiraku Backstory #1(Time's watch)
[b]Chapter 1:[/b] Diary Entry #3, Lilienne Backstory #2(fate), Diary Entry #4, Hiraku Backstory #2(?), Diary Entry #4, Lilienne Backstory #3(memories), Diary Entry #5, Clyde Backstory #1(?), Diary Entry #6, Lilienne Backstory #4(first blood), Diary Entry #7, Hiraku Backstory #3(?), Diary Entry #8, Clyde Backstory #2(?), Diary Entry #9, Lilienne Backstory #5(fallen), Diary Entry #10, Edgar Backstory #1(revelations)
[b]Chapter 2:[/b] Diary Entry #11, Hiraku Backstory #4, Diary Entry #12, Clyde Backstory #3(?), Diary Entry #13, Edgar Backstory #2(?), Lilienne Backstory #6(serenity), Diary Entry #14, Hiraku Backstory #5(?), Diary Entry #15, Clyde Backstory #4(?), Diary Entry #16, Edgar Backstory #3(?), Diary Entry #17, Clyde Backstory #5(?)
[b]Chapter 3:[/b] Diary Entry #18, Hiraku Backstory #6(?), Diary Entry #19, Lilienne Backstory #7(?), Diary Entry #20, Clyde Backstory #6(?), Diary Entry #21, Edgar Backstory #4(?), Diary Entry #22, Hiraku Backstory #7(?), Diary Entry #23, Lilienne Backstory #8(?), Diary Entry #24, Clyde Backstory #5(?), Diary Entry #25, Lilienne Backstory #9(?)
[b]Chapter 4:[/b] Lilienne & Kayla RAW #1, Diary Entry #26,
[b]To be continued, everything subject to change[/b][/quote]
[quote=Plot] [b]Prologue ~ Chapter 3:[/b] Backstories, Diary Entries
Self Explanatory. These chapters were made to introduce the main character's lives prior to exile and during it.
[b]Chapter 4 ~ 6:[/b] Lilienne ARC, introduces Lilienne and Kayla RAW, removes Lilienne Backstory
The arc introduces Lilienne to Kayla. The former initially only teaming up with the latter for information gathering processes to scout where she came from, Lilienne grows to like (the incredibly sarcastic) Kayla. The two officially band together at Elluel, after Lilienne finds the ruins that is her birthplace. They stay at Kerning for a few nights afterwards to celebrate the new partnership.
[b]Chapter 6 ~ 8:[/b] Clyde ARC, introduces CLK RAW, removes Lilienne & Kyra RAW, removes Clyde Backstory
The arc introduces Clyde to the duo. Initially found drunk at a bar, Clyde manages to sober up during a raid by guards after Kayla to attack, but is considerably outshone by Lilienne and Kayla, who aren't... Drunk. Drawn to the power that they possessed, he follows them for a while, constantly pestering them to battle him. (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) A band of (female) warriors ends up attacking them, sent by Kayla's father with the odd theory that Kayla wouldn't hurt another woman. While she would hurt someone attacking her, she does hesitate a bit while she attacks, since she knew many of them as a child. As a result, they almost get overwhelmed before Clyde steps in and singlehandedly defeats them(if you want to know what happened, read shink's comment >_> In return for the favor, they agree to battle Clyde. The following fight results in a tie, with Clyde finally relishing the true beauty of a tough battle. He asks to join in hopes of finding more strong people to fight, and offers to help establish a makeshift base so they won't wander about as much.
[b]Chapter 10 ~ 12:[/b] Death by Midnight ARC, introduces CLKEJV RAW, removes John Backstory, Verge Backstory and CLK RAW
The arc introduces Edgar, Verge and John to the trio and introduces the canon pairing KaylaxEdgar. Having relaxed after the infiltration, Kayla remains on edge and is highly suspicious of Lilienne who decides to drag her out to Henesys for no apparent reason. Having been locked out of using her Fairfrozen by her beholder after an argument, she settles for a weak sword that she used during her old training sessions. The two set off, Kayla discovering that her partner's intents were not ill-intended, just utterly useless. Upon losing herself in her thoughts, she conveniently loses Lilienne in the crowd and decides to meet her at the spot she wanted to visit, only to face her elven buddy facing off in a duel with a mysterious man that worked for her father through unnatural means. The two attack the opponent, but are ultimately defeated by a unique form of Magic Crash which singlehanded lay deflects their own power and adds his own to the mix. Kayla awakens to an interrogator who continues to try and squeeze information that she did not have out of her, but is ultimately stopped by a planned execution that mimics the way her mother had died. Geki, Kayla and Lilienne's attacker, proves to have been blackmailed into the operation and decides to break her back out after discovering that Thomas failed to keep his intended promise. Kayla realises that Geki, otherwise known as Edgar, is the older brother of her former partner Madeline, who also takes part in the planned escape. Madeline reveals that her comrades were also out to get her back as she is forced into formal clothing for the dance.
[b]To be continued, subject to change[/b][/Quote]
[header]To delve yourself into this project[/header]
Give a detailed description of how your character appears to be. Go full on, every description helps. If your character is to be based off a drawing/your player, then simply link/state so.
State a name, an IGN intended for the player(no numbers in the IGN, golly won't that be difficult) and an alias/third name for those who abandon their identities from the point where they become Dark Knights.
Introduce this person. How is he/she like? Where did they come from? How does this character interact with the main characters? This is the most important. I can always create an image, but I can't always make a convincing character appear out of thin air.
Which era is this person from?
Pre-Exile
Post-Exile
It is presumed that the person that exists pre-exile will survive through post-exile as well.
[header]Formatting[/header]
Since I'm picky, here's a format you can use to not tick me off when looking for information
IGN
Name
Alias/Third Name
Gender
Appearance
Personality
Background/backstory
Additional info
Any people you'd like to face off with, travel with, meet, visit, etc.
[header]Help[/header]
- Checking for game-related inconsistencies
- NAMES QQ! I've got half a dozen characters planned but names? Lolnope.
[header]Character Profiles[/header]
[url=http://db.tt/WPSlUMxl]All existing profiles[/url]
[header](unknown) Character: Mike[/header]
[quote=Original]Lets see....ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
The IGN will still be Kozura
Name is Mike, I guess
Alias is Aimless
I would prefer to exist post diary.
Uh let's just make him look like my actually Drk, even though he's blonde for some reason.
A young up and coming Dark Knight with asperations of becoming a legend. Though with his lack of discipline and inherent laziness, it's a wonder how he became a Drk in the first place. Constantly on the quest for a legendary spear, though has a very bad sense of direction and wanders aimlessly.
I'll just edit this post when i change stuff.[/quote]
[header]Major Character: Tazah Swam[/header]
[quote=Original]I haven't been here in 44 from the beginning, but i joined a few months ago? Hope that counts for something I'm not the most literate, but whatever.
IGN: ImCensored
Name: Tazah Swam
Alias/Third Name: Troll or Green Man
Gender: Male
Age: 16, present day.
Appearance: Bald (waxed every day). Green Skin all around - every part. Always seen with trusty Bamboo Spear. Faintly visible Moxibustion burns. Usually wears green mittens when not meditating.
PS: I didn't read this over!
Personality: Tazah is very a good-natured, outgoing, competetive individual. He can be extremely comical at times. He likes to meditate at the El Nath Market. Tazah has the habit of starting fights when he is angry. The green man always thinks of the "next step" and never gives up.
Background/backstory: Tazah's father was slain by the black mage when he was the mere age of 2. His mother died the next day from trying to sell Zakum Helms to support him and his sister (Kimberly). Kimberly was 7 at the time. His sister took upon the role of a mother and raised him until he was the age of 10. Once she felt he was ready to support himself, she continued the path of a bowman. Kim had become a ranger the week before their parents were slain, and was now level 110. She left Tazah at level 20 and continued. Over these 6 years, the two siblings' path's did not cross once, and they haven't spoken to each other since. Tazah was the youngest human alive to become a Dragon Knight, let alone a Dark Knight. He was the age of 15. Many doubted that he was human because of his green skin, but he has the power of the earth flowing through his body from deep meditation. In one short year, Tazah managed to gain 40 levels, bringing him up to level 160.
(Will have to change this bit; I made it so Kyra, Ryan and Dances were the first three to become dark knights. Jus' saying.)
Tazah's goal is to achieve a level greater than 200, and to avenge his father, Tiger. "I will slaughter you...Black Mage."
Additional info: Tazah skin turns dark green when he grows serious, and becomes light green when he was relaxed and having fun. He becomes headstrong when furious, but uses his head when calm.
Any people you'd like to face off with, travel with, meet, visit, etc: Tazah would like to have a free-for-all with every single dark knight in all of MapleStory as it would be quite thrilling for him. Tazah travels solo most of the time, while helping friends in their times of need is what he does.[/quote]
-Rewrite required-
[header]Pending[/header]
(You've passed, I just don't have a official profile for you)
+ Viridic's char
+ ImCensored's char
+ GunzTheSparkle's char(sorry for the confusion, unknown meant that I wasn't sure whether to make it a major or minor character ^-^; )
[header]Misc[/header]
[b]Celyfaye[/b] said (Mar 18, 10:06pm)
Hiraku:
A fighter who freely walks the world searching for the man who's strength is unmatched, Hiraku has many unique traits. Being secluded for most of his childhood, he is easily amused by the most basic events. Without much to say, his actions talk for themselves. As fragile or unaware as he seems, his instincts for survival/battle is matched to that of an animal. With no home to return to and no set destination, Hiraku's goals are overwhelmed by his kind-heartedness towards others, often leading to heavy side-tracking for the sake of acquaintances.
I think the Kash x Kyra combination (Kash's rationality and coolness balancing out Kyra's hotheadedness) would work well. Dunno much about kyra's personality so I can't say much more.
Lilienne is quite cold and distant, and needs someone with a more genial, warm and friendly attitude, completely different from the men she grew up with and similar to her father. Their sense of humor is also similar, as they are both witty (Clyde being the more funny, far less abusive one)
[header]Thanks & Acknowledgements[/header]
- @Celyfaye for the visual aid and plot ideas
- @SilentXynh for mascot motivation, plot/death ideas and general feedback
- @Cookie4mesos and @Mooneyone for general reader feedback
- @Darkspawn980 for offering to help design weapons to describe off
(so pretty much most of the regulars )
422 Comments • Newest first
@iVege: Aye sir f3
It's okay, I'm not actually shipping them together.
OT: 53k
Bump. Nearly knocked off the first page.
[quote=Plusle4eva]Raen is erm, one of the apprentices. Character was submitted by icephoenix21.[/quote]
Wtf! Pairing vege with her?[b][/b]!
@Plusle4eva: Both pls. diz iz sexC
@ImCensored: Not sure whether to be flattered or to continue staring at the screen strangely.
[quote=Plusle4eva]@ImCensored: I'm sorry, what?[/quote]
This stuff. Is. SexC.
@ImCensored: I'm sorry, what?
Duh sexC stuff
@iVege: Raen is erm, one of the apprentices. Character was submitted by icephoenix21.
@GunsTheSparkle: Yeah, I figured out why it did that. I moved the entire folder out of my work folder for easier access, and that probably corrupted the links. I'll update them in a bit.
[quote=iVege][i][b]WE ARE NEARING 1000 POSTS >:O[/b][/i][/quote]
[b]WE ARE ALMOST HALFWAY THERE[/b]
[i][b]WE ARE NEARING 1000 POSTS >:O[/b][/i]
@cookie4mesos: Yeah I think it's like a week in total I think. Though since the day of the week matters, it may or may not help. It depends. Persona 4 though gives like an entire month (though following the schedule to the letter in persona 4 is really hard)
[quote=GunsTheSparkle]Persona 3 Fes or the original? I've heard legends that doing it on the original version was a monster.[/quote]FES.
Yeah, I heard the original was harder, and that in FES you have a couple of days leeway if you mess up.
[quote=GunsTheSparkle]That and I can't seem to be able to read most of the bios. The dropbox says they're missing.[/quote]
Yeah :x Who the hell is Raen.
@cookie4mesos: Persona 3 Fes or the original? I've heard legends that doing it on the original version was a monster.
@Plusle4eva: So I started reading, not done yet. In the meantime, what does my unknown status mean again? That and I can't seem to be able to read most of the bios. The dropbox says they're missing.
Who the hell is Raen.
/bump
[quote=Plusle4eva]You. Must. Watch. Detective. Conan. ):<
New episodes' animation's better, but the art style's weird @_@[/quote]Too busy with school, soccer, and doing a max-all-social-link-in-one-playthrough in Persona 3. Oh, and with this too. o.o
I'll put it on my list for the future, though.
@cookie4mesos: You. Must. Watch. Detective. Conan. ):<
New episodes' animation's better, but the art style's weird @_@
[quote=Plusle4eva]Her death wasn't supposed to have an actual story-wise impact. I'm aiming for more of a psychological effect.
Thanks for the link
If you want, I'll end up making filler characters anyway
HAHA, Ai-chan xP Reminds me of Detective Conan
Righteo.
Repeats
Yeah, it really is quite confusing. I'll revise it later.
Mkays. Thanks for the critiques.[/quote]Yeah, no, that's what I meant. Not an impact on the story, but rather the having the death feel more impactful in the moment.
Yer welcome.
Mmkay.
I still have yet to read/watch that. Well, I've seen half of an episode dubbed in Tagalog, and various YouTube clips, but that doesn't really count.
-
-
-
You're welcome, as always.
[quote=cookie4mesos]School year has officially started, whee. I'll make more time for reading this though.
A couple of quick things before I go to bed:
I realized this a long, long time ago (probably late June, early July), but I kept forgetting to mention it- Madeline is a Sacrificial Lamb to a tee. I still would've liked a more impactful death for her, though.[/quote]
Her death wasn't supposed to have an actual story-wise impact. I'm aiming for more of a psychological effect.
[quote=cookie]I don't know if you still need help on these things, but...
-I did a quick Google search and [url=http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/57042-how-do-dragons-reproduce/]this[/url] might help you come up with something.
-No ideas at the moment for Clyde or Mirago. As I mentioned in that PM a while back, my Dragon's name can be Noishe. Maybe Dante for Verge's? Verge made me think of Vergil. Or perhaps one of the demons listed [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_demons_in_the_Ars_Goetia]here[/url] (besides Andras, of course).
-I can't help much with that, unless you want me to come up with characters.
-Same as above.
-Yes.
-And his name shall be Aigis (Aegis is acceptable), with Ai-chan as his John-given nickname.
-k[/quote]
Thanks for the link
If you want, I'll end up making filler characters anyway
HAHA, Ai-chan xP Reminds me of Detective Conan
[quote=cookie]Hopefully I'll be able to read more and give more critiques tomorrow.
Edit: After looking at this post, the couple of things weren't so quick after all.[/quote]
Righteo.
[Quote=cookie]School year has officially started, whee. I'll make more time for reading this though.
A couple of quick things before I go to bed:
I realized this a long, long time ago (probably late June, early July), but I kept forgetting to mention it- Madeline is a Sacrificial Lamb to a tee. I still would've liked a more impactful death for her, though.
I don't know if you still need help on these things, but...
-I did a quick Google search and [url=http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/57042-how-do-dragons-reproduce/]this[/url] might help you come up with something.
-No ideas at the moment for Clyde or Mirago. As I mentioned in that PM a while back, my Dragon's name can be Noishe. Maybe Dante for Verge's? Verge made me think of Vergil. Or perhaps one of the demons listed [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_demons_in_the_Ars_Goetia]here[/url] (besides Andras, of course).
-I can't help much with that, unless you want me to come up with characters.
-Same as above.
-Yes.
-And his name shall be Aigis (Aegis is acceptable), with Ai-chan as his John-given nickname.
-k
Hopefully I'll be able to read more and give more critiques tomorrow.
Edit: After looking at this post, the couple of things weren't so quick after all.[/quote]
Repeats
[quote=cookie]---
[b]C&T[/b]
[b][POTENTIAL SPOILER WARNING!][/b]
[i]Lilienne: A Circle of Fire[/i]
Damn, I had some stuff typed up, but it got deleted. Oh well. Just another reminder to periodically save work.
Starting over...
C:/ First paragraph sort of went over my head. The first part of the first sentence and the last sentence are alright, but the stuff in between gave me a feeling of, "Uh... what?" I mean, I understand it to be her birth by fire, but... You should rewrite it so that it's more clear-cut in establishing the 'circle of fire'. Also note tense confusion.[/quote]
Yeah, it really is quite confusing. I'll revise it later.
[quote=cookie]C:/ By contrast, I love the first sentence of the second paragraph. Your descriptions allow for very vivid imagery for the reader. Two things to note- I'd change the second 'eyes' to 'irises' to reduce redundancy, and consider adding another adjective to describe the house.
The second sentence is a little lackluster in comparison, but not bad; add a bit more description. In particular, clear up what the blackened patch is.[/quote]
T:/ Third paragraph is cute.
C:/ In the last sentence, either remove the semicolon after 'afraid', or swap 'for' and 'both'. I'd recommend doing the latter, as that allows you to keep the semicolon (and therefore the pause) after 'afraid'.
C:/ Fourth paragraph- add a comma after 'melody'. Consider changing 'young' to 'baby', 'infant', or something similar, to be more specific.
T:/ Head tap is cute.
C:/ Microsoft word says the 'who' in "ancestors proud of who you are" should be 'whom'. From what I understand, I think 'who' is correct, as I believe 'you' is the subject, but you might want to double check.
TBC[/quote]
Mkays. Thanks for the critiques.
School year has officially started, whee. I'll make more time for reading this though.
A couple of quick things before I go to bed:
I realized this a long, long time ago (probably late June, early July), but I kept forgetting to mention it- Madeline is a Sacrificial Lamb to a tee. I still would've liked a more impactful death for her, though.
I don't know if you still need help on these things, but...
[quote=Dropbox]HELP NEEDED:
+ How to discern dragon's gender
+ Clyde, John, Mirago and Verge's dragon names
+ MOAR APPRENTICES
+ MOAR BAD PEOPLE
+ Should I make Aiaku a recurring character
+ AIAKU'S CHARACTER'S NAME
+ LESS CAPS[/quote]-I did a quick Google search and [url=http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/57042-how-do-dragons-reproduce/]this[/url] might help you come up with something.
-No ideas at the moment for Clyde or Mirago. As I mentioned in that PM a while back, my Dragon's name can be Noishe. Maybe Dante for Verge's? Verge made me think of Vergil. Or perhaps one of the demons listed [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_demons_in_the_Ars_Goetia]here[/url] (besides Andras, of course).
-I can't help much with that, unless you want me to come up with characters.
-Same as above.
-Yes.
-And his name shall be Aigis (Aegis is acceptable), with Ai-chan as his John-given nickname.
-k
Hopefully I'll be able to read more and give more critiques tomorrow.
Edit: After looking at this post, the couple of things weren't so quick after all.
School year has officially started, whee. I'll make more time for reading this though.
A couple of quick things before I go to bed:
I realized this a long, long time ago (probably late June, early July), but I kept forgetting to mention it- Madeline is a Sacrificial Lamb to a tee. I still would've liked a more impactful death for her, though.
I don't know if you still need help on these things, but...
[quote=Dropbox]HELP NEEDED:
+ How to discern dragon's gender
+ Clyde, John, Mirago and Verge's dragon names
+ MOAR APPRENTICES
+ MOAR BAD PEOPLE
+ Should I make Aiaku a recurring character
+ AIAKU'S CHARACTER'S NAME
+ LESS CAPS[/quote]-I did a quick Google search and [url=http://asoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/topic/57042-how-do-dragons-reproduce/]this[/url] might help you come up with something.
-No ideas at the moment for Clyde or Mirago. As I mentioned in that PM a while back, my Dragon's name can be Noishe. Maybe Dante for Verge's? Verge made me think of Vergil. Or perhaps one of the demons listed [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_demons_in_the_Ars_Goetia]here[/url] (besides Andras, of course).
-I can't help much with that, unless you want me to come up with characters.
-Same as above.
-Yes.
-And his name shall be Aigis (Aegis is acceptable), with Ai-chan as his John-given nickname.
-k
Hopefully I'll be able to read more and give more critiques tomorrow.
Edit: After looking at this post, the couple of things weren't so quick after all.
---
[b]C&T[/b]
[b][POTENTIAL SPOILER WARNING!][/b]
[i]Lilienne: A Circle of Fire[/i]
Damn, I had some stuff typed up, but it got deleted. Oh well. Just another reminder to periodically save work.
Starting over...
C:/ First paragraph sort of went over my head. The first part of the first sentence and the last sentence are alright, but the stuff in between gave me a feeling of, "Uh... what?" I mean, I understand it to be her birth by fire, but... You should rewrite it so that it's more clear-cut in establishing the 'circle of fire'. Also note tense confusion.
C:/ By contrast, I love the first sentence of the second paragraph. Your descriptions allow for very vivid imagery for the reader. Two things to note- I'd change the second 'eyes' to 'irises' to reduce redundancy, and consider adding another adjective to describe the house.
The second sentence is a little lackluster in comparison, but not bad; add a bit more description. In particular, clear up what the blackened patch is.
T:/ Third paragraph is cute.
C:/ In the last sentence, either remove the semicolon after 'afraid', or swap 'for' and 'both'. I'd recommend doing the latter, as that allows you to keep the semicolon (and therefore the pause) after 'afraid'.
C:/ Fourth paragraph- add a comma after 'melody'. Consider changing 'young' to 'baby', 'infant', or something similar, to be more specific.
T:/ Head tap is cute.
C:/ Microsoft word says the 'who' in "ancestors proud of who you are" should be 'whom'. From what I understand, I think 'who' is correct, as I believe 'you' is the subject, but you might want to double check.
TBC
@Celyfaye: I have to ask though, did I do Lilienne justice? I mean, I felt stupid writing a lot of it :l
Plot points that I may have missed are appreciated as well f3
Congrats on passing the Lilienne backstory landmark, Alice dear
@Cookie4mesos: Thanks, I'll read and implement later(history homework ATM)
Yeah, Plusle, it's the very essence of his being.
Anyway, for the first time in a long time, I've got nothing to do. So, I'll be trying to catch up on everything.
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[b]C&T[/b]
[b][Potential Spoiler Warning!][/b]
[i]Updated Prologue[/i]
First line made me think of [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGzgoSg5OZg]this[/url].
[quote=44]We broke the barrier between reality and myth, in a world that was more or less set upon settling with what we had.[/quote]^I like this line.
Hmm, Freud was the first Dragon Knight...
[i]C:[/i][quote=44][i]They would provide the power to protect the values we believed in, both in the weak and strong.[/i][/quote]'They' should be changed to 'The dragons', or some other wording, so as to not confuse the dragons with the people referred to as '[i]they[/i]'. You do have it italicized with the rest of the text to show you're not referring to the people-they, but with the following line also saying, 'they', it seems to be referring to the dragons, which can cause confusion. There's another dragon-they in the paragraph of the quoted line, but it's not as noticeable, since it's not directly before a line with a people-they.
Remove 'in'. Either remove 'the', or add another one in front of strong.
I hope the critique so far hasn't been confusing. It probably has. o.o
[i]C:[/i][quote=44]They, [i]fearing anything[b],[/b] without a[b]n[/b] in-depth[b],[/b] decade's worth of research, shunned us.[/i][/quote]Missing commas, should be 'an' instead of 'a'. Should probably be reworded, particularly, 'fearing anything,' and, 'without an in-depth, decade's worth". The former should be more precise, and the latter doesn't have to be as precise.
The people-they in the following sentence isn't italicized, when it should be.
[i]C:[/i][quote=44][i]And thus, the Dark Knight was born.[/i][/quote]This should probably be moved to the end; it makes most sense there. However, I do kind of like ending the introduction with '[i]Darkness[/i]'.
[i]C:[/i][quote=44][i]People were no longer permitted to officially undertake the class anymore.[/i][/quote]Move 'officially' to before 'permitted'.
There's a second 'permitted' in the same paragraph. Change it to a synonym to avoid redundancy.[quote=44][i]but [b]he[/b] would encourage us to take up a secondary weapon[/i][/quote]Add a 'he'.
[i]C:[/i][quote=44][i]Now, before I forget to mention it,[/i][/quote]Remove the 'Now'. It's not necessary for this line, and there's a 'now' in a following paragraph.
Horntail's one noob of an Elder Dragon. Hmn, I'm lazy.
Hm, so Dragon Knights under the moon (and there are likely many of them, if you really think about it) didn't sign the contract.
[i]C:[/i][quote=44][i]Why did each fourth job for all the classes have to be discovered, and not already developed straight off the bat?[/i][/quote]Change 'all' to 'each of' (I've mentioned redundancy a lot before, but in this case, if the words aren't consistent, it sounds strange). Alternatively, just remove, 'for all the classes', entirely.
The second part of the compound sentence (after the comma) needs to be reworded. The easiest way to do this would be to split this line into two sentences, having the second part as its own question. Of course, this also alters the number of questions you pose to the reader, so make sure to edit that as well. There's also some tense confusion that needs to be sorted out.
To answer the questions posed:
-Third job had to be 'discovered', and wasn't already planned out, so obviously that would have to be true of fourth job as well.
-Dark is not Evil, so therefore we didn't fall, but instead utilized a power few else were willing to. And even if it were, Evil is Cool and Evil is Sexy.
-I might, but as the old saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
-Move on, hopefully.
/End inconsiderate smartass.
[i]C:[/i] 'Perfection' shouldn't be capitalized.
...but it was thought of.
//END SMARTASS! (My sincerest apologies, I need to go to sleep.)
[i]TBC[/i]
[quote=Plusle4eva][b]only his mask [/b]breaks in half. What are you on about ._.
OT: 34.5k[/quote]
Meaning he breaks in half.
@iVege: only his mask breaks in half. What are you on about ._.
OT: 34.5k
Holy... Vege gets split in half? What have you done?[b][/b]!
(I wonder how late I'm to this, as well)
Could be both a meat lover (some guy?) and Lilienne, who cooks rabbit food that nobody likes, but insists people eat it anyway. "DO YOU WANT TO EXCRETE POO BOULDERS?" -shoves pile of blobby veggies into people's plates-
@Mooneyone: He's too pale D: And he has red eyes f3
OH MAN, the Verge memes :'D He's not that nice though ):
@AustinatorV2: How is your post related to the topic in any remote way?
Poor bamboo chomping Piranha is tired of chomping on bamboos :c
But I want her to finish Socially Awkward Linn first before going back to Spy-Checking n_n
N'She can't Linn. Not as a female LOL!
@Clyde: You can accept Linn for who she/he is, [url=http://oi45.tinypic.com/s6rtom.jpg]right[/url] xD?
(DAT RESEMBLANCE)
BREAKING CHARACTER, GOGOGOGO!~
[url=http://oi48.tinypic.com/2vip7nq.jpg]This guy.[/url] He is so wasted LOOLOL!
[url=http://oi45.tinypic.com/2ennnsx.jpg]This sounds more like Mirago![/url] He's so nice he's a moron xD
[url=http://oi46.tinypic.com/2d8nztw.jpg]Vindictus related![/url] Large Shield Fionas are best in luring. Small Shields are just as good as Sword Lanns when luring n_n, cept they may have an easier time dying xD
[url=http://i.imgur.com/JCjzh.gif]Not enough GIFs were used in this post ._.[/url]
@Mooneyone: Those memes... Laughed a lot :T
OT: The story's hit 34k woo wrote like two paragraphs for Lilienne then forgot what I was going to write and lost interest again ./sigh
@Mooneyone:
Didn't get the first one, second one made me laugh though.
Insanity Clyde
Bad Joke/Conspiracy John*
Condescending Kayla
Omg guys I missed yo- [url=http://oi47.tinypic.com/30d8akn.jpg]I see Twilight hate[/url].
GGWP, GGWP, [url=http://oi48.tinypic.com/a02rm.jpg]I can't do that n_n[/url]
But [url=http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/9729/hatersgonnahatev.gif]GASDF[/url].
@Plusle4eva:
Got you some fanart!
Kinda-ish maybe [url=http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/7817/wurfwurfsdfcat.gif]I guess[/url]
@Kashimiya:
I think this is yours too xD
(Oh and I wasn't able to quote you properly because I hit submit by accident when I was trying to click the bottom of the box n_n)
[url=http://img825.imageshack.us/img825/8571/kashmeme1.png]I THINK THIS IS STORY RELATED[/url]
[url=http://img694.imageshack.us/img694/5009/kashmeme2.png]First World Problems Edgar, crikey![/url]
---
Then there's going to be:
Socially Awkward/Success (And or Bad Luck!) Lilienne! (DIS I LIKE BECAUSE IT SO DAMN TRUE. SO DAMN TRUE!)
Good Guy Verge!
Courage John!
Scumbag Mirago Silvers(?)!
---
Vidncitus:
GOD. So many retard Kais LOL!
There was a boss that was glitched to be completely frozen and [url=http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/5508/mindextremelyblown.gif]THE RETARD KAIS STILL USE A LONGBOW FROM ACROSS THE MAP.[/url]
You can't be serious!
They could've switched to Shortbow and just Machine Gun down the boss!
I do like it xD Clyde and Lilienne seem to both have bad attitudes (at least when it comes to fights).
It'll be fun to see how this impossible couple managed to get together.
I actually used to like twilight back when I first read it =_= now that I reflect upon it, it barely had any more depth than 50 shades of terrible.
@Celyfaye: Already read the entire twilight series on a whim in year 8, so I can mock those that like it
I started writing Tempest Equilibrium because I got bored f3 and wanted to develop the thing moar(not much Clyde development so I wanted a Clyde-centric one)
@Darkspawn980: It's okay, you have no idea what's going on before or after so it's fine
I was meant to add an additional line to that to further clarify but then I was like screw it ):
The intro was mainly something I thought up on a whim while reading moi notes f3 I just want to see where this goes xD
i really liked the intro to lilliene and clyde (jenny can't hold her horses and linked me to it f3) just a few things to point out.
i'm not really into passive women, i prefer women with a spark, which is also a very good reason you can use to start the fight o.o
and this line:
"Y-yes, of course." The bartender hadn't expected such a violent outburst from such a petite woman, especially considering that she was an elf, though not noticeable at first." needs some work :X should explain that the bartender had seen elves or something, kinda weird for him to recognize one so fast if it's not really noticeable.
[quote=Plusle4eva]@Celyfaye: Wah :c I'M WRITING AS FAST AS MY MATH ASSIGNMENT ALLOWS ME KTHX
I got all caught up planning aftermath with moo cow ):
I know it doesn't have to be that detailed, but I just want it to D:
I want to branch out the possibility of MiragoxLilienne then have Clyde crush shipper's dreams f3
And LOL @ that twilight paragraph. I'm not having that, ever. -shudder-[/quote]
...and my interest in the story peaks once more.
WHY NOT
holy jesus it'd be totally awesome if you could do a twilight parody with people from 44 f3 But that would mean you would have to read it..
DIE MATH HOMEWORK QQ.
@Vegetables: c: Thanks, I know I'm a genius when it comes to literature. I totally blow alice out of the water f3 And yay! I'm glad you like it! I really couldn't care less about fp; basil is all about colorful prettyness and boobs anyway :I Not at all my style.
@Celyfaye: Wah :c I'M WRITING AS FAST AS MY MATH ASSIGNMENT ALLOWS ME KTHX
I got all caught up planning aftermath with moo cow ):
I know it doesn't have to be that detailed, but I just want it to D:
I want to branch out the possibility of MiragoxLilienne then have Clyde crush shipper's dreams f3
And LOL @ that twilight paragraph. I'm not having that, ever. -shudder-
[quote=Celyfaye]and the handsome sparkling clyde rescues the lovely pale lilienne from certain death his muscular physique glitters enticingly in the sunlight as lilienne looks lovingly into his blood red eyes and he looks down at her and wraps her in a passionate embrace then lolwerewolves come and then clyde jumps and kicks all their asses and he's so handsome and sparkles and edward cullen and glitter and sunshine[/quote]
How romantic, and holy crap you drew Irena. I swear, I see more and more screens not get fp'd despite deserving it. Instead, we get these stupid B-Files and screens like the ones made by that guy who did the Warrior ultimate and 3rd branch Archer. Irena's my favourite screen of yours, yet.
@Celyfaye: i'll go [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qboVT-XlDGI]nyarlathotep[/url] on you. (the little girl)
[quote=darkspawn980]BE MORE PATIENT, YOU CHOOB
i don't want no twilight-ranked reading material here![/quote]
and the handsome sparkling clyde rescues the lovely pale lilienne from certain death his muscular physique glitters enticingly in the sunlight as lilienne looks lovingly into his blood red eyes and he looks down at her and wraps her in a passionate embrace then lolwerewolves come and then clyde jumps and kicks all their asses and he's so handsome and sparkles and edward cullen and glitter and sunshine
[quote=Celyfaye]BE MORE PATIENT, YOU CHOOB
No need to be so detailed with lilienne's backstory, love. Could make it half a page if you want. Just dyin' to see the Clyde x Lilienne pairing happening *_* Shinki's character intrigues me so[/quote]
BE MORE PATIENT, YOU CHOOB
i don't want no twilight-ranked reading material here!
[quote=Plusle4eva]@Icephoenix21: I think it's safe to say I'm more excited than you are :l planning everything is chaotically fun
OT: 44 is 32.4k and counting~ will be updating the OP with new links and adding the rest of the profiles I have.[/quote]
WORK FASTER, YOU CHOOB
No need to be so detailed with lilienne's backstory, love. Could make it half a page if you want. Just dyin' to see the Clyde x Lilienne pairing happening *_* Shinki's character intrigues me so
@Icephoenix21: I think it's safe to say I'm more excited than you are :l planning everything is chaotically fun
OT: 44 is 32.4k and counting~ will be updating the OP with new links and adding the rest of the profiles I have.
I'm exciteddddd to see what else the story has in store~
@iVege: The first time he was approached he created a mirage for those who attempt his life.
I think I had that in the timeline.
It was horntail wasn't it. considering its slain or at least, approached so many times...
@iVege: I haven't really thought about the elder dragon actually. Most parties with authority so far are either evil or unimportant to my planning so far LOL
[quote=Plusle4eva]It's how I imagined it to be, y'know? I know you don't exactly lose the dragon but it was kinda an abrupt change, so I wanted to fill in that gap. Not that I don't like being batman... Batwabbit o.e idk.
Of course, none of this is actually canon. Sadly. ):[/quote]
Our elder dragon's pretty pathetic though.
@iVege: It's how I imagined it to be, y'know? I know you don't exactly lose the dragon but it was kinda an abrupt change, so I wanted to fill in that gap. Not that I don't like being batman... Batwabbit o.e idk.
Of course, none of this is actually canon. Sadly. ):