In need of advice
it's about an argument that me and my girlfriend had and now she is really really mad she doesn't speak to me since last friday,
it's a long story i'll try to make it brief, please i really appreciate any advice that is given to me (i know 1 out of 5 people of basil do help)
Wall of text
So, it starts with each other trying to study for our college test (if you pass it you get into college), we are really worried about it and she decided that
we should ge together with other people to study together.
So i head to the library where we were supposed to study, and in the way i see my ex girlfriend
wich happens to be my girlfriends best friend, i know i wont know anyone of the people we will study with since all of them are from my gf classroom
so i invite her to study with us too so i dont feel uncomfortable or something, she says yes and we arrive to the library and i see my girlfriend with 5 guys
in a table studying, those guys are all her friends from her classroom and she is the only female there, so she looks at me kinda weird but then proceeds to
read the guide for the test, she keeps reading question and possible answer and me and my ex start analyzing the questions and such, we get the answer
really quick or at least we have the same logic towards the problems, her friend had another kind of logic to resolve those problems and they were kind of slow
or made a huge problem out of something kinda simple to us (me and my ex) so we happen to read and answer 5 questions in 1 hour as a group wich i found really slow
and i saw that me and my ex could go faster without them, we leave and just go home while they kept studying
The next day i walk my girlfriend home and on the way there i tell her that i wont be able to stay with her to study, before i can even finish the sentence
she starts saying "OK OK its ok doesnt matter" i'm like... "ermm... ok?" i think she did it because she knows im a lazy person, anyway i had to tell her
that i was gonna stay with her best friend since i work better with her and we are both going to engineering, so i tell her "But i'm gonna stay with (ex name) and a friend "
and again she starts "OK i dont care!" before i can finish the sentence again.
Next day our classes are over, i call my girlfriend and she answers and this was the conversation
Me"What's up?"
Her"What do you mean whats up?"
-"uhh... why?"
-"You didnt even bother to say hi to me in the whole day!"
-"I'm sorry, where are you?" (i didnt meet her in the whole day because she has been kinda distant and cold to me, so i guessed she needed some space or something)
-"I wont tell you"
-"Why?"
-"Because i dont want to and why didnt you tell me you were gonna study with (ex name here)?"
-"i did told you but you starting shutting me up"
-"good bye"
and she hang up
me and my friend go to the library and see my girlfriend there i go to her to talk, but she doesnt speak to me i got close to kiss her cheek and she moved aside
i know how she behaves and i know i cant do anything to talk to her when shes mad, so i just straight up ask where she saw my ex? (since she spoke to her and my ex
told her about us studying) she says "i dont know" (she didnt wanna tell me) i get out of the libreary and keep searching for my Ex, but she doesnt answer her phone and me and my friend had to look for her for an hour, my friend got tired
and left (he had the guide we needed to study) so we could no longer study, right after he left i found my ex and well i just stayed there talking to her
about what happend.
Next day, again classes end, she has not spoke to me in any way, facebook text calling talking or anything, i tried to talk to her on facebook but she was like
"dont talk to me", i go outside her classroom and see her and go straight to her to talk and heres the conversation again...
(i was mad at the moment, like between shouting and talking)
Me"Are you always gonna be like this?"
Her"no..."
- "Look im sorry i didnt say hi to you in the whole day"
- "ughh... it wasnt THAT!"
- "then what is it?"
- "Why didnt you tell me you were gonna study with (ex name)?"
- "I DID TOLD YOU BUT YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME"
- "No you didnt tell me you just told me about your friend not about her!"
- "YOU JUST STARTED SHUTTING ME UP WHEN I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU AND I DONT SEE WHY YOU ARE MAD I DID TOLD YOU!"
(Note i had to hold her arm because she never solves our problems face to face she always leaves)
- "(she made an expression like rolling her eyes or something) Ok rafael ok let me go"
>i let her arm go and as she walks away i shout to her
"Karen!"
she turns her head, and i say
- " I love you" and laugh
she makes an expression like "are you kidding me?" as she does i shout her again
- "Karen!... please grow up..."
She rolls her eyes and walks away again
That was last friday and she has not spoke to me since then, it has been 5 days since then...
Please basil, what's your opinion on this matter, what should i do, i am kinda sad but at the same time angry
because she has been treating me like... i dont know like if i wasnt even her friend, putting her friends way above me,
not caring too much about what i say when we talk and when she got mad at me for studying with someone wich is her "best friend"
it was like "Thats it, im not taking this anymore!" i was gonna STUDY with someone she knows very well,
and i dont get mad at her for studying with 5 GUYS and her beign the only female
she has told me several times i have nothing to fear of she gets along better with boys than girls and im ok with it now... but if i have
only ONE FEMALE friend she gets angry. (my ex is my only female friend besides my girlfriend)
Please i really need your advice
EDIT: i may have an emotional breakdown... thanks for trying to cheer me up guys i really appreciate this community :') you've been with me more than once
thanks
32 Comments • Newest first
First thing first, I only read your post, but not the 3 pages of comment, so I might have missed something.
But from the original post, I think it is 75% your fault & 25% your girlfriend's fault.
1. Common sense tells you that your current girlfriend will not like the idea of you studying with your ex. Even if your ex is her best friend. So -1 to you.
2. Even if she was studying with guys, but she didn't do anything wrong. You can be jealous, so you can talk to her about it. But that is a different story. -1 to you again.
3. She was jealous and didn't listen to you, so that was her fault. -1 to her
4. Saying you love her then laugh, then say grow up ... that is a horrible thing to do in public. -1 to you.
There you go, -3 to you and -1 to her. 75/25 ratio !
Solution:
I think you should just explain the situation to her. Tell her that nothing's happening with your ex. Apologize & see if she forgives you.
Oh and ... she was mad not because you didn't say hi the whole day. It is because she was jealous of you studying with your ex ! ... in case you didn't catch that.
First of all: Chin up. Keep calm.
Secondly: Don't come running to her. Otherwise she'll get the feeling that she can do WHATEVER and it'll always be YOU to try and solve it (and since she may never make attempts she will rely on you giving in instead)
Keep it like this. Don't talk to her anymore.
Because you know, either she does start talking to you - or she doesn't. Give her a time limit (don't tell her about it though). Depends on what you feel comfortable.
It may be a week or a month and if she doesn't talk to you within that limit break up with her.
Sounds harsh - but having a partner that never tries to solve things isn't worth your time.
If she accuses you of not telling her again then just try to calmly tell her "I tried to tell you (don't accuse her of stopping you here, it comes off as offensive and will only get her into defense mode)" and something like "Why does it even matter?"
Ask her if she doesn't trust you.
If she says she doesn't trust you suggest her to break up.
She will either agree (no loss there) or disagree. If she disagrees tell her you need her to cooperate whenever things are going wrong and when she feels something is off she should go and talk to you normally and you will help her solve the problem and to not let her emotions drive her to aggressive behaviour.
Really though, she shouldn't ignore you for that long.
Really give her a limit. Just figure one out you think is appropriate.
Once she talks to you again ask her how she would feel if you would refuse to talk to her and what she expects to happen or IMPROVE while not talking.
You can only solve issues when you face them. As long as you run they remain and will only hit your face again when you turn around.
Pretty immature.
@Dw1ghtShr00t: He shouldn't tell her what she wants to hear. If he does it once, twice, three times... it will become a habit and he would have to suck up to her the rest of his life (unless they break up before that which they certainly will)
Break up with her. Your current gf sounds like she is illogical and stupid. Most women are illogical though and are always one sided. For example its always okay for them to do something but you cant do the same thing. All women do this. Not to mention she picked 5 slow guys to study with... hmm I wonder. Anywaysssss ya dude your ex sounds like the better gf to me. Your current gf is annoying and relationships like this usually don't last. If both parties cant be mature about the relationship don't waste your time.
Your gf is just jealous. I don't think you can blame her, however, because you left her to go study with your ex. I would apologize and show her some attention, be persistent to show that you care that she's mad and ignoring you. I think it's cute when a girl gets jealous because she likes you enough to feel jealous/possessive.
Edit: Ok read that part of her changing her profile pic to her hugging another guy. I think that's mean. She didn't take your feelings into consideration or purposely trying to make you mad because she's mad at you for studying with your ex. I think you should attempt to talk about this with her and how it made you feel. If you're unable to resolve it then maybe it's better to cut your losses and move on to someone better that cares about you and is better at communication. I would give her a benefit of a doubt and assume she only did that to make you jealous and not because she doesn't care about you or your relationship. So talk to her and find out what is going on, what she wants out of relationship, if she's willing to work things out or not.
@rafawolf: Anytime Communication is really important in a relationship. One of you needs to be the mature one and start talking about it.
@laker1294: thats a really nice advice, thanks i might talk to her tomorrow and might bring that up thank you
Your girlfriend is upset because you're spending time with your ex alone. I believe that you should let her have time to release her emotions. Then talk with her about it. Be assertive, without being aggressive. You could tell her if studying with my ex makes you feel uncomfortable I'll stop and when you study with 5 guys it makes me feel uncomfortable as well.
@rafawolf: ah she is in the process of trying to get you jealous :O Don't let that get to you. If she really does love you, she wouldn't doubt you. Give her some time
[quote=Nibbly]Go with the ex, current gf sounds like too much drama. [b]Unless she puts out[/b]...[/quote]
Seriously? If that's all that matters to you, then you're a pig.
You sir, have no respect for women.
Well...telling her to grow up isn't a great start. Neither is studying with your ex, but i totally know what you mean when some people are better to study with than others. You could so something sweet with ur girl...like food.
I think your ex girlfriend is a better gf honestly
Thanks everyone, i guess i see her as some kind of goddess and that keeps me from beign someone that has own needs or opinions, i always wanted to please her but she
no longer pleases me, i guess indeed people change and they dont see you like they did before, i really think she looks down to me while i look way up to her
i will try to talk to her, try to make her tell me how she really feels or what is really happening with her... then i think i must make a choice if its worth keeping up with this
or not
[quote=rafawolf]Indeed, maybe im just trying to hold on to the memories of how we used to be or about things we used to do, just hoping it will be like that once again [/quote]
that was us for a longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg time. it won't. people change, life goes on.
[quote=kellyboop]just ended 2 year relationship that was only alive because of how we used to be when we first met
it's hard, but it's possible[/quote]
Indeed, maybe im just trying to hold on to the memories of how we used to be or about things we used to do, just hoping it will be like that once again
could you be any more of a beta pussie? Dump her, or stop constantly seeking her approval and forgiveness. You complain about being walked on, but you are the one encouraging her to do so by your own actions.
[quote=rafawolf]It's hard to end a relation that has more than a year, my first serious relationship, but you are right
no one should ever have to bear with something like this, not from someone who is supposed to "love them"
thank you[/quote]
just ended 2 year relationship that was only alive because of how we used to be when we first met
it's hard, but it's possible
[quote=Shrews]@rafawolf: Okay then realistically I think you are wasting your time being unhappy with this girl.
Ask yourself, is this unhappiness worth being with her? If it isn't then I suggest you end it with her.[/quote]
It's hard to end a relation that has more than a year, my first serious relationship, but you are right
no one should ever have to bear with something like this, not from someone who is supposed to "love them"
thank you
[quote=rafawolf]Everyone tells me the same, that she is mean to me or doesnt treat me right, but i cant take her out even i really want to,
she told me that she was going out with her friends, and after that i told her if she would like to go out soon, she said "no i have to study for college"
and indeed she went out and replaced her profile picture to one with a friend of her hugging him... really hurts[/quote]
then be a man and leave her. don't hurt her back.
[quote=Shrews]Okay if you really love her and want her to stop being mad then just give in and say sorry about not telling her (even though you did) and you want to make it up to her. Take her out to dinner or something and I'm sure she will be back to normal.
But to be honest your girlfriend kind of sucks and you ex seems like a better match for you.[/quote]
Everyone tells me the same, that she is mean to me or doesnt treat me right, but i cant take her out even i really want to,
she told me that she was going out with her friends, and after that i told her if she would like to go out soon, she said "no i have to study for college"
and indeed she went out and replaced her profile picture to one with a friend of her hugging him... really hurts
[quote=rafawolf]They are really noisy and slow, the main thing we were doing was studying nothing more, and i wanted to study right thats why i did that[/quote]
did you explain that? cuz doesn't matter what you're doing if i had a boyfriend that picked an ex ((((AND MY BEST FRIEND)))) over me shzizlsikt's going down. u don't do that.
[quote=kellyboop]why would u pick her best friend ((WHO IS UR EX)) over her and expect her to not be mad?
are u stupid?[/quote]
so true, but he explained something about about her male friend studying low...? makes no sense
[quote=kellyboop]why would u pick her best friend ((WHO IS UR EX)) over her and expect her to not be mad?
are u stupid?[/quote]
They are really noisy and slow, the main thing we were doing was studying nothing more, and i wanted to study right thats why i did that
why would u pick her best friend ((WHO IS UR EX)) over her and expect her to not be mad?
are u stupid?
[quote=roselynne]in short you find that you work/study better with your ex and then your gf gets jealous and paranoid. Try taking her out for dinner or a movie to reassure that you still wanna be with her...She will have to trust you and realize that nothing is going on.[/quote]
I do want to take her out but she doesnt want to, she says "im too busy studying for college" but that same day i asked her out she told me
she was going out with her friends to the movies, i felt a giant empty space in the chest... i mean she literally said to me "I DONT WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU I WANNA BE WITH MY FRIENDS", now that she is mad she changed her profile picture to another with another guy from her classroom hugging him, and it was taking this weekend
right now i really hate her, but i still love her, i am really hating beign stepped on by her like this it's getting really rough keeping all this !"$%!%" feelings inside
she has been really distant i dont know why, i've been trying my best to make her happy it doesn't seem like she cares
Later on, i'm going to make a REALLY long story and the title shall be " What Should I Do ". I'm going to make it legit and the very last thing will say
" Then I woke up and found it it was all a dream "
rafael and karen sitting in a tree
k i s s i n g
in short you find that you work/study better with your ex and then your gf gets jealous and paranoid. Try taking her out for dinner or a movie to reassure that you still wanna be with her...She will have to trust you and realize that nothing is going on.
Just explain to her about why you did every thing.
orrrrr just tell her the 5 guys just wants the V
[quote=RandomUsername]short version pls[/quote]
She got mad because i didnt tell her i was gonna study with her bestfriend and not with her (she and her 5 male friends study really slow thats why i didnt stay with her)
and her bestfriend is my ex wich she is jealous of, but we work really well together and both go to engineerings
i got tired of beign stepped over by her, because she had no reason to be mad and told her to grow up
also i did try to tell her but she shutted me up and said "i dont care" so i know she decided to not listen to me it was not my fault
Please read the whole thing its kinda complex
@Above: we dated for less than a month, then i met my actual girlfriend because of her, my relationship with both are separate storys there was
no hard feelings to each other or anything like that, but yeah my ex is actually a really really nice friend who knows how to listen
and my girlfriend knows this since she doesnt want to talk things like... league of legends, other video games, reading books, my religion (buddhism)
and my ex does talks about this with me, and she is jealous because of this...
What happened between you and your ex-girlfriend? She seems to be someone more understanding than your current girlfriend who is seemingly overreacting.
for christs sake, just break up with her
short version pls