General

My Sob Story

Hey Basil. I've been in a state of depression for the past 2-3 months now. I've decided to tell my story, it's a long trip so, if you don't like to read long passages, then sorry, there won't be a tl;dr version either.

It all started when I lived in california. I had to move away at the end of 8th grade. I moved to North Carolina because I had family over here. My parents just couldn't afford to live in California anymore. So I moved, and as always , I had no friends to begin with. I was actually different for once. In California, Orange county, there was nothing but asians, viets to be exact, but in NC, I was the only asian kid in all my classes.

I thought it was pretty cool, I could make asian jokes and everyone would laugh. The best thing about my school? Half was blacks, the other half were whites and the rest were minorities like myself. I loved the black community, they were funny and weren't all uptight. I could make racist black jokes at them and they would make asian jokes at me and it was all good and fun. I even had a black teacher that would do the same to me and she was cool as hell.

Anyways, despite all the jokes and laughter, I made some friends, but I haven't made a single close or best friend. I went to the library every morning/ lunch time because I didn't want to be seen alone being called a loser. I didn't fit in anywhere. This happened for 3 years. After I graduated Junior year, my aunt from Virginia comes to visit my mom and I. She suggested I went to school in Virginia with my cousin who's a year younger than me. I wanted the change of pace, so I did. I moved out of my mom's place at 17 and moved in with my aunt. It was a nice big house, wasn't perfectly well kept but it was nice for someone like me. I had a whole huge room to myself. My two cousins were upstairs, Tran who's a year younger than me, and Tram who's 2 years older than me. They were both girls if you're wondering.

So I went to Robinson High School for my senior year, not knowing anyone. I follow Tran and hang out with her group of sophmores (Tran started school late) and just kinda linger around. I talked to her friends but they were girls, I didn't have the same interests. The school had a good amount of asians, most being korean. On the day you had to pick up your schedules (this was 1-2 weeks before school actually started) I was trying to find my classes and had my cousin show me around. I then saw this korean girl, her name was Jinny. She was extremely cute. Jinny looked really puzzled because she was looking for her classes and because of that, I knew she was new. I asked my cousin who she is, and she actually knew who she was. Jinny was a cousin of Tran's friend. So I was feeling pretty confident. Back then in North Carolina, my tall buff friend named Brandon, he coached me in boxing. I took boxing for 2-3 months and lost 30 pounds and was kinda toned. I went from 160 pounds to 130. So I was feeling confident, I went up to Jinny and asked if she needed help finding her classes and that my cousin can show the both of us. I was her first friend, and she was mine.

So fast foward when school comes. I wanted at least one class with Jinny , so I dropped weight training for Astronomy with her. The next day , I was at astronomy in the morning. There weren't any seats left, so the teacher pointed to the group desk Jinny was at and told me to pull up a chair in table. Luck was on my side, and there I met my best friend who saves my life later. His name was Luke. So me being new, I tried to make new friends. He was korean and he bboys, but forget that. I straight up said "Hey Luke,you're asian I know for a damn fact you play maplestory."
Luke:"No I used to"
Me: Oh...what other games do you play?
Luke:"I play dragonnest '
Me: DUDE NO WAY, SERIOUSLY?
Luke: Yeah haha
Me: Man what world do you play in?
Luke: Argenta
Me: DUDE, ME TOO MAN, WHAT CLASS ARE YOU?
Luke: Swordsman
Me: DUUUUUDE FRIGGING ME TOO, WHAT'S YOUR LEVEL?
Luke: I think 24, the cap or whatever the max is
Me: ME TOOOOOO MAN, WE GOTTA PLAY TOGETHER
And at this time my teacher heard our excitement and we were told to shush.
I knew it was going to be great with this guy and we turned out to be best friends. Turned out we had english together too, and english included lunch midway class, so I always had someone to eat with now.
Every astronomy class, it would be the three of us,me, Jinny, and Luke always having fun.

So the next dat, due to me switching classes, I had to also switch a couple more of classes to make astronomy fit in. I had history after lunch that day, and there was this only asian girl in the class. Her name was Sharon. She looked alone all the time, extremely quiet. I made some friends in the class, just people who I could joke around with, talk to, but no one close like Luke. One day her counselor walked in asking my teacher if Sharon was here. Turned out , it was her birthday recently, and he being a good counselor, gave her a birthday card. So the next day , I arrived at history but the teacher's door was closed because she wasn't here yet and Sharon was standing there. That's when I thought it'd be a good time to spark up a convo. I wished her a happy birthday, and asked her how it was and what she received for her presents. We talked a bit and once again I bring up the "Asian=video games" question. Turned out she played minecraft. I played too but I wasn't exactly a fanatic about it. We talked about creepers, falling into lava, all that junk. So I told her we should play together and asked if she had a MSN account, and she did. We skyped and had loads of fun together, despite me not liking the game. I would go on adventures, get materials while she built our house since I was never into house building.

-Note: The way the bell schedule ran was there would be gold days/ blue days. So classes switched off every day. I had lunch with Luke on blue days, and one of my female friends I was hanging out with, she invited me to go eat with her and she sat at the same table as Sharon (My luck right?) So me and Sharon ate lunch every gold day.

I started enjoying school now, I loved going to school infact. I never had a lot of work, I had friends, close friends, and even trying to pursue a girl's heart, haha. One day in November we had a field trip to Fredericksburg for our history class. We got to be in groups of 10 so I asked sharon if I could be apart of her group of friends. She said yes of course. On the day of the fieldtrip, we got to sit next to whoever we wanted to. So I sat next to Sharon with her two friends behind us. On the ride there, we were just talking about how late we stayed up talking to eachother, playing games on our phones, and just things like that. The bus ride was around 3-4 hours so, naturally we felt sleepy. She leaned her head on my shoulder and that instant I knew she liked me. I leaned back of course. Behind us I could hear her friends saying stuff like "Aww omg so cuuute."

Sharon's an extremely quiet girl. She has friends but she just hangs around them, she doesn't really engage in their conversations unless it interests her. She loves to read and she always read stuff on her phone. She only speaks when spoken to really.

So we had fun the whole fieldtrip, and on the bus ride back, she fed me chips that I bought because I knew I was going to be hungry later on. She fed me, I fed her, yeah, it's lame but ,I enjoyed it. After we were dropped off back at school, I asked her for a hug, a goodbye hug. She gave me one and behind me was my friend who was going to drive me back home , because he too went on the fieldtrip. He greeted himself to Sharon and she was really quiet towards him so he thought she was really weird haha. I defended her of course.

Fast foward to a week before winter break in december. I truly did like this girl, and this would be my first time ever asking anyone out. (I skipped a lot of small details about our chemistry together, that would take ages.) So I made up my mind , worked up the courage, and as I'm walking her to her bus, I pop the question. She replies embarrassingly,
"Um...there's other girls out there you know"
Me: "But I want you!"
Her: "Oh...well I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship"
Me: "Oh...It's perfectly fine I understand!" (I was really bummed out)
Her: "But if you ask me after winter break, I'll definitely say yes!"
Me in my head "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

I smile and say "I'll hold you onto that!"

I went home a happy guy that winter break.
Well it was over and I asked Sharon if she wanted to go to the mall with me and my two cousins, and my older cousin's boyfriend. She agreed and we did. We watched a movie together and after that, we dropped her off. I walked her to her doorstep and asked again, if she wanted to go out with me. She said she needed more time to think. At this point I was extremely bummed out.

A week later, I tell my self "I'm just going to ask one more time, after that, I give up, there's no point harassing her about it." So I ask one last time, and she finally said yes. I was an extremely happy guy. I had a girlfriend, good friends, places to go, things to do. I wasn't the sad loner back in North Carolina. I enjoyed going to school everyday, I saw my best friend, I saw my girlfriend. It was wonderful. It took me 3 months to ask her out sadly haha. We were both eachother's first. January 11th 2012 was the exact date. We didn't hold hands until february, and we didn't kiss until april (was under the rain too, cool right? It was after school). We were both slow, and just learning. I stayed after school a lot just to spend time with her. I learned how lazy she was, she slept a lot in class , especially spanish and history. In history was finally got to choose seats, and I sat next to sharon. She stopped sleeping because of it, I kept her up. In spanish, I couldn't do that sadly. Her grades dropped a ton in spanish, but because we sat next to eachother in history, our grades dropped as well. I finally did the work for our history (copied everyone else's work *Ahem*) and gave the answers to both of us. Our grades went up but we had an essay to do, and it was a huge part of our grade. So I did my essay while nagging her to do her own. On the due day, she had a small paragraph all printed out and I asked her if that was her essay, she said yeah. Turns out she didn't know it had to be 1000 words.

She panicked and I told her not to turn it in , and just do one and turn it in late. I turned mine in and received a 84 for it. A couple days went by and I asked Sharon where her paper was, and she still didn't even start. Weeks went by, by this time, the grade would drop like crazy becauase it was TOO late, but you can still turn it in. I asked if she wanted me to do it since she wasn't going to do it. She said no , but I took her materials anyways (her research) went home , and did it in 2 hours. I gave it to her to turn it in, and when she got it back, it was a higher grade than mine (without the late deduction) and she thanked me for it.

I liked this girl a lot, she played some online game called Gaia and I wanted to spend time with her, in any way possible, so I played with her. The game was boring and made me extremely sleepy. There were tons of games we played together, her games, that I didn't enjoy really. I did it all for her though.
-Note: I forgot to say she was a junior, and I'm a senior, we were both born in 1994 however.

May rolled around...and I was scared. I was scared of college, of planning to get a job and working so much that I wouldn't have time for Sharon. I'd be studying all the time, I'd be working, I just wouldn't have time for her. I even quit dragonnest and gave my items away to my good friends because of me being "scared." So out of nowhere, I pull sharon over to the side after school, and tell her I want to break up. I wanted to break up before our affections grew more. She was extremely sad on the inside, but said "I understand!" and I can see her lie. Right before we depart to our busses, we kissed eachother one last time.
She wasn't at school the next day. Turned out the break up hit her pretty hard. She came back 2-3 days later and I invited her over to my house so we could talk about it, and we did.

Summer came along, and by this time, I had graduated, and stopped talking to Sharon. Out of nowhere during mid summer, I remembered her. I texted her, asking how she was. Turned out she was in south korea, for summer camp, and she'd be returning to the US after summer's over. We texted eachother and whenever she texts, she's quite playfully mean , so mean that I know she's joking but it still hurts to hear it. I got kind of annoyed/ mad with that and one day she said "I'm going to block you!"
I knew it was a joke, but really? Our only form of communication between thousands of miles and you're going to cut it off? I was angry/annoyed and just deleted the app we were texting eachother with.

I was sad because of this, I missed her honestly, I missed our daily routine. I missed holding her hand, walking to class, hugging, then departing for my class, then before we depart for the bus, we kiss. I miss her completely. I was looking for anything to keep my mind off of her. I'll rewind a bit.

Back in highschool, me and Luke had a huge fight over Christianity. He's a christian, and I'm an aethiest. I won't get into what the argument was about to avoid flamewar, but after realizing what I had done, I told myself "You know what, I was being pretty ignorant, I'm going to attend church with Luke to learn more about this christianity."
So me being sad in the summer trying to look for a way to keep my mind off Sharon, remembered this. I call up luke and ask him if I can go to church with him. That following sunday, his dad picks me up and we go. It was my first time at a church. That summer I learned a lot. I never became christian, I just learned. I learned to respect the religion. There was a youthgroup there, Luke and his younger brother Daniel (freshman ongoing sophmore) was in the group, along with other younger kids. Church was pretty fun, I won't lie. I also needed to escape that hellhole, what I call my aunt's house (That story is coming up.)

A lot of the guys played guitar and it really inspired me, because it reminded me of sharon. I wanted to learn how to play a song for her. I went out to buy a guitar and tried to learn. I practiced till my finger tips were burning at the touch of my warm breath. I learned a small serenading tune, and felt really accomplished because of it. I gave up guitar though, I didn't have a personal teacher and I'm not that good at self teaching.

October rolls around, I miss Sharon deeply at this point. One day, as cheesy as it is, I drove to her house and sat on her doorstep waiting for her to get back from school. I sat there with my guitar on my back. I looked up and there she was, more beautiful than ever. She looked really happy to see me. I stood up and I didn't even know what to say. Only half words came out before I ended them. She asked if I wanted to come inside and I did. We were on the couch and I finally said it. I said that I missed her, and she said she missed me too. I told her about church, about my feelings, about how stupid I was about the break up decision. I finally asked her, if she would take me back, and she did. I was happy once again. I picked her up from school and back to my place a lot. We spent a lot of time playing games and talking and stuff.

And that's when it happened, my first young teen life crisis. I had a heavy manual labor under the table job at my friend's house , building horse fences with my good white friend. So I received a text from my aunt telling me how I should grow up and be responsible for my needs instead of her always watching out for me.
Me and my aunt had fights here and there. I sometimes forgot to go to the dentist apointments and she would YELL, and I tell her it's not a big deal, I can reschedule.
She overreacts all the time. One time, I was playing games and she was on craigslist looking up cars for my mom to buy for me. I had my headphones on ,and she opened my door, said something, and walked away. I shrugged it off, and closed the door gently. She then starts BANGING on my door, HITTING it, screaming, crying in between saying how she's trying to do things for me and I never appreciate it. So after 20 minutes of banging and screaming, I'm sitting there laughing in my mind because I know she's overreacting and I've done nothing wrong, and if I did it was all a misunderstanding. So after her fit I walk outside to her computer, take 30 seconds to forward the craigslist ad to my own email, and walk back kinda just laughing.

I'll tell you how bad my aunt is. Tran and Tram? Terrible. They cuss at their own mom, slam doors on her faces, and if she tries to yell at them, they'll yell back even louder, cussing her out. Tram doesn't even talk to her mom anymore, been this way for 3 years+. Tran? Whenever she needs something, she'll go to her mom, otherwise, she won't bother. And my uncle/ her husband? Poor guy is the one where the anger is going to. After I moved in, since I was raised right by my mom , I had tons of patience. I had about had it though. Living under there for a year was hell. I'd get yelled at for every little thing and there was sexism in the damn place.
Her:"HEY, YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR TOO HARD"
Her:"YOU'RE A BOY, GO HELP YOUR UNCLE CARRYING 30-40 POUND LOGS."
Me: How come you, and tran/tram don't help? All they do is go on their laptops watching kdrama and waste time.
Her:" THEY'RE GIRLS, THEY DON'T NEED TO"
Not only that, when it comes to manual labor, she ships me off like I'm a sweatshop worker. Whenever there's a family friend of hers that needs moving, I end up spending my whole weekend helping this guy I don't even know move pounds of furniture.
And she plays favorites. Whenever I'm late to school, she tells the neighbor family friend to go drive me to school with them. But when Tran is late? She drives Tran herself. Oh and get this, she doesn't tell tran to go to the family neighbor, why? Because she thinks it's awkward sitting in the car with them, so she wastes her mom's gas/time/ sleep to drive her.
Me:"So how come you drive tran and not me?"
Her: Because tran actually stays up studying and doing homework , meanwhile you're playing games

No, I don't stay up playing games. I'm a very light sleeper, and going to sleep is hard. I had to take Tylenol to sleep on days where it was bad.
Turned out tran would always stay up playing facebook games, such as tetris friends, dragon farm or somecrap, and of course, watching her K-drama.

So back to working on my friend's farm. I received the text and that's when I about had it. I went off on her, telling her everything that was on my mind. How bad of mom/aunt/wife she is. Cussing her out, everything. I couldn't understand a single broken english text she sent me back. I knew I was going to get kicked out, but I had enough. After work, I went home packed my things and went. I didn't know where I was going to go honestly. I was scared. I decided it was the end of the road for me. I contemplated suicide 2-3 days later. I wanted to say bye to Luke's family one last time before I leave ( I was close to them at this point, but luke was in college so he wasn't home.)

I planned to give Sharon my gaming computer by the end of the day. So I started driving to Luke's house, and turned on the radio. It was on the christian station, and I just started crying. I had hoped with everything I learned, that even though I was still aethiest, EVEN if there was a god, that he would have mercy on my soul. I arrived at lukes house, cleaned my face up and walked inside. I see daniel (lukes younger bro) talking to his parents in the kitchen and before I can even say a word, I start bawling like a wimp. I tell daniel to go upstairs to his room while his parents sat me down. I told them what happened and they told me to just stay seated on the couch. I check my phone and see tons of voicemails by my mom. One of them she was crying in. I felt guilt, and decide to call back 2 hours later, letting her know what happened, where I am.
She told me if I wanted to stay in virginia and not move back, I'd find a place to stay, and that my mom would pay them. Since Luke's family is a strong christian family, they said they think it was god's favor of them doing this. That they do not want to make a profit off me staying there, so 300$ for food, and 100$ for bills was enough for me. So my mom paid 400$ every month for me to stay there. Yes I didn't go through with the suicide. I arrive at Sharon's house 2-3 days later , letting her know what happened. She was angry at me for the suicide thing.

At first I felt weird staying there. I acted as if everything was glass. I felt I was intruding. There was one upside though, Sharon's house was literally a minute drive away, and I got to see her everyday on weekdays after school. Despite the crap that happened, I was happier than I ever was. Luke's family treated my with great hospitality, saying as if I was one of their sons. I spent time with my girlfriend more than ever. Everything was going to be alright. You know that friend Jinny at the beginning of the school year? Well she had a bad past and that's why she moved schools, but me and Luke didn't care. She was cool to us and she liked me and luke a lot. We always made her laugh in highschool during astronomy. Anyways, during the year, she spent over 1000$ on me. She bought me 2 pairs of shoes, a jacket, a PSVITA, gaming speakers, gaming earbuds, and gaming mousepad. I was estatic and everytime, she shipped it to me without my knowledge.
Anyways, whenver Luke came back from college for visiting or winter break or any breaks, we'd share the room. Of course I'd sleep on the floor, but there we were, best friends sharing this life experience. We got on eachother's nerves sometimes, but it was cool. I could drive so we could go anywhere, the only problem was our short amount of money haha. So back to Jinny, one day we had two mini ipads shipped to his house, and it was for me and luke. We were so stoked and we just played games together every night. It got so bad his mom turned off the wifi haha.

Me and sharon ended up dating for a long time, up until late february. We broke up again, but for different reasons you're thinking of.

During the whole time me and sharon were dating, I would sneak over to her house after her schooldays. I'd arrive at 2:40, leave by 4:30 before her aunt comes home. One day, her aunt's neighbor told her some asian guy was coming over. She confronted Sharon about it, and said that I'm vietnamese and just a friend. And that's when it happened. She gossiped to everyone in her family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas, family members in korea, and especially Sharon's mom. The previous winterbreak before we broke up, her mom came from korea and confronted sharon about it. Her whole family was calling her a whoore, slandering her , "I DIDNT RAISE YOU TO BECOME VIETNAMESE."

When Sharon told me this, I was filled with anger, sadness, regret. And to top it off with a cherry? They dared call themselves christian. You want christian? Go see Luke's family. His dad's a pastor at the church we go to, and seeing him everyday, the way he acts, the kindness he shows, and then you see this "christian" at sharon's house. Her aunt, her mom, they dared called themselves a religion I respect. I wanted to go over there and just preach on why she's going to hell, for gossiping, judging, and slandering, just sinning all over the place. The worst part is she didn't even repent, and I know because she's done it multiple times.

After all the slandering going to sharon, I gave her the option for us to break up. So we did. We didn't cheat on eachother, we didn't get bored of eachother, we didn't fight at all. A 3rd party broke us up. After that, we got into many fights, and just cut off all communications in March. I was a big baby, so I threw everything out that reminded me of her. The only thing I kept was her number and even then I changed the name.

Months prior, Luke's dad told me that they could only keep me until May. I ended up moving back to my mom's sad and lonely place by the end of april. I had a great goodbye day with my good friends though. And as I was leaving, I looked back one more time in Sharon's general house direction. She was my first of everything, girlfriend, holding hands,kissing, and even more (yes you know what I'm talking about.) I miss her already, but I tell my mom "Let's go home."

Here I am 2 months later. I suffer from heartache, every night I think about Sharon, I think about us, our memories. I planned to visit virginia in a year and a half, and just hoping to show sharon my new grown up self, but I caved in last night. I was suffering too much. I called her, we talked, and she said she doesn't want to get back together. We can still be friends, but there won't be a future, she said she's not looking for a relationship for a longtime. I was devastated. I haven't had a good night sleep ever since I moved back. Every night before I sleep, I just think about her, and it hurts me deeply knowing I can't see her in person this instant. I stay up late every night to exhaust my body so I can go to sleep instantly. My sleeping pills have also tripled. I take 6 now rather than 2.

The only way to ease the pain is to talk to her. That's what I have been doing the past 3 hours writing this. By talking to her, I'm easing the pain but I fear because I'm talking to her, I won't be able to get over here. I truly loved Sharon. Everytime I look at a girl, I have no interest at all. I understand the whole "fish in the sea"/ "Time heals all," but honestly, what if I'm in the wrong part of the sea? What if I stay here so long, that time won't heal fast enough before something happens? I'm scared I'll never be able to move on and I'll be suffering from so much heartache that my mind breaks down and I'm just unmotivated for everything.

And that's my story basil, good job if you read it all. I'll answer any questions you have for me.