Is my anger justified? Please help
Hi there. So i am in a kind of shitty situation. This will probably be a long post but i need your help. I want to know if my anger is justified and just your thoughts.
So i have been seeing this girl for about 6 months. We are not in an official relationship but neither are we just friends with benefits. I really liked her when i first met her and she really liked me. Things started out well, but my attraction for her just kind of fell. But i stayed in it for some reason. She really wanted me to make her my girlfriend, but i just couldn't. We fought a lot because of it. I tried breaking up w her quite a few times, because i felt like i was really hurting her, as you should be with someone who really cares and loves you, and i kept going back to how i just could not ask her to be my girlfriend. When we would break up i would tell her i can't see myself marrying you nor could i see myself falling in love with you. I really hurt her many times. And when we would hang out, sometimes i would ignore her or just play league and overall just be a shitty partner. I really just did not show affection and completely disregarded her at times. And she really really liked/loved me and just stayed with me.
About 3 months ago, She started emotionally detaching herself from me because she knew I would never commit. She started seeing other guys and going on dates, and it did not really bother me too much. Because i knew she would always come back to me. She never slept with anyone else but she did kiss someone else.
About a month ago we went to my friends party (we will call my friend jack). When i get to the party i kind of distance myself away from her and do my own thing. Jack's brother starts talking to her. They talk for a while and keep talking. And eventually they go to her own car to hotbox just the 2 of them. They eventually get each others numbers. I see the whole ordeal happening, but i think to myself i trust her, and she will eventually stop talking to him and come back to me. Does not really happen. They hotbox in the car for a long time. My other friend at the party, who is also a friend of Jack, pulls me aside and tells me "Hey you should watch out for JAck's brother, hes a friend, but he's not to be trusted with your girl." I then really put my effort and get her to come out of the car. But they have already talked for a long time and she got his number.
Fast forward a bit and I notice she texts him decently and i ask her to stop talking to him. She says I have no say in what she does because we are not in a relationship, she's not my girlfriend. And honestly she does have a point.
WE get into a lot of fights about him because she hangs out with him sometimes. About last week she just randomly cut me off and stopped talking to me for about 3 days. It was in these 3 days i realized how badly i messed up, how i totally mistreated her, and that i lost something so beautiful. She really treated me the best ive ever had and i just totally took advantage and disregarded her because i thought she would always be by my side. I really understand why she cut me off.
Well about a day ago we started talking again and she apologized for cutting me off, but she said our relationship was getting too toxic, and she realized she had to grow up and understand that she can't wait forever for someone who won't commit. At this point when i see her, i knew i messed up everything and now after everything, I want her to be my girlfriend, and i want to spend so much time with her, i want to fix everything. I tell her this, and she tells me that she still really likes me, but does not trust me, because i can easily just go back to the old me and not give a crap. Which she does make valid points. She is very wary and cautious with me, and its understandable. I really hurt her.
Okay so heres the deal, this is some important information. About 2 years ago i was in a toxic relationship for 3 years with this BPD girl. I got cheated on multiple times and it was just abusive. I brought this girl to another one of JAck's parties 2 years ago, and the same thing happened. Jack's brother started talking to her for 2 hours, got her number and they started hanging out one on one. That old relationship with the BPD girl is long over, but i hated JAck's brother for a long time until jack talked to me and told me that basically my ex was always hitting him up and trying to hang out with him. Which that is also probably true, but honestly its a 2 way street, and I feel like JAck's brother has done this to me twice now
Currently JAck's brother is seeing the girl i now care about it, but they haven't done anythign sexual, but they hang out a lot. The girl told me this, and i do believe her. She told me they do flirt and she knows he likes her.
I know its possible, and a very high chance, that i can still get this girl back and fix everything. If we got into a relationship she told me she would also stop talking to jack's brother, but basically time is needed for me to fix this. But during this time JAck's brother is constantly seeing her and its killing me. Ive been through stuff like this before, with my BPD ex i lost a best friend because she started sleeping with him.
Currently im very depressed but im really angry too. Is my anger justified towards jack's brother? We aren't friends, but he has done this to me twice now and imo he is very shady around other people's girls, but she was not my girlfriend. He knew i had been seeing for like 6 months.
I know that this whole situation is a result of my stupid actions, and that if I just made her my girlfriend none of this would have happened. She told me if she was my girlfriend she would never get his number nor hang out with him one on one.
I don't know if i want to try to fix this, while knowing her she is still seeing the brother because it makes me insanely depressed and insecure. I will literally hang out with her, then she will hang out with the brother right after me. I have been through stuff like this before so some part of me just wants to drop both of them so i am not so stressed.
Sorry for the long post. Please be brutally honest with me, i know i really made this girl feel like crap.
8 Comments • Newest first
Why are you mad at Jack's brother..? He's going after a girl he likes, isn't that what you're doing too? He doesn't owe anything to you and neither does she.
The girl and Jack's brother have definitely fooled around, you're naive if you believe her lies and think they haven't. She's telling you they haven't done anything sexual because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, this is being a girl 101.
Chasing after her is only going to get you hurt right now, you'll just keep getting more jealous and insecure the more she hangs out with other guys. If you do want a chance with her your best bet right now is to distance yourself from her, show her that you don't need her like you did before. Start talking to other girls and don't rely on her for your affection.
She could just be trying to make you jealous for how you treated her before, don't play her games, show her that it has no affect on you and be mature about it.
No it isn't justified because you didn't bother committing to her.
You're trying to keep what you think is 'yours' still. 'Jack' and this girl can do whatever the hell they want. Why? You two were never in an official relationship to begin with. Done.
6 months is a really long time, this is all on you. If it were me, the only person I'd be angry with would be myself.
ur anger isn't justified tbh. You wouldn't commit and 6 months later ur trying to get with the chick. Nah dude, she and Jack can do what they want. He might be a jerk trying to hook up with someone else's girl but you waited too long to be asking this girl to commit to you now. Keep moving on, man.
I thought you were gonna fight Jack. lol You know they've already smashed, don't try and kid yourself.
Yeah, you messed up. Stop trying to be in a relationship with her, it's not fair to her. Even if you did get in a relationship her it wouldn't work. It would be extremely tough for both of you to be fully committed in the relationship due to your history.
Learn from your mistakes, get over her and move on.
Being a "Jack", you should cut your losses and move on. He is going to end up sleeping with her if he has not already. You were playing the field too long with her and she is basically over you. Once a girl feels neglected, they move elsewhere for "affection". There is nothing you can do for damage control. She is out for Jack. You should save yourself some grief and move along. I am not trying to be mean in any way but being brutally honest with you. It is not worth the effort. You should never take a girl for granted because this will happen. Even if you do get her back on grace, any little bad thing you do will make her tread that line again for another "Jack". She has a right to be like this because of the prolonged damage. It is not like you lit a little fire on the stove which can be extinguished. You burned down the entire house and you cannot salvage that brother. It's time to replace/move on. That bridge is burned. If you can, just get the benefits and cash out.