General

So I hate and like this girl at the same time

[b]I'm a bit shallow. I admit that.[/b]
So I see this really beautiful girl. She's wonderful, nice, smart, and funny. HOWEVER, like everybody else I know, she treats me as if I was a little kid many years younger than I actually am. She calls me cute. Probably not the kind of cute I want to be. Her friends call me cute. They're mocking me.
[b]I have no life, no friends, no hobby. I admit that.[/b]
I see her strutting around with her friends. She laughs all the time. She has boys ogling over her. She's the whole package. I really wish I was her at times. I get really jealous that my life isn't a box of rainbows and sunshine like hers, despite all of my efforts to laugh away my problems. Despite my efforts to deceive myself into thinking that my life is wonderful.
[b]I'm fat and ugly. I admit that.[/b]
Sometimes I look at her and think that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not good enough. It makes me mad that while she is beautiful, fit, and smart, I'm left with a ravaged spine, several extra pounds of fat, and diminishing grades. I've been stuck in a back brace since I was eleven. Working out hasn't been an option since. Swimming will never again be.
[b]Sometimes I want to avoid her. I admit that.[/b]
I've realized that these negative thoughts and low self-esteem are a result of this attraction for her. I want to avoid her. I can't stop thinking about her, even when I try to immerse myself in video games, food, and television.
[b]We're worlds apart. I admit that.[/b]
She still believes in God. I've lost faith ever since my life started turning for the worse. God used to make me happy. Now he's left me here, begging for answers. I still pray sometimes. Nothing happens.

Now I'm left with mixed feelings for her. I know I need to get away from her to feel better about myself. I just can't avoid her.
I hate what she's done to me.