Need title suggestion prepare your mustache and pipe
Dark texts on white screen, zero sincerity
Habitual heart marks and long-distance relationship, no certainty
Those behind my door and their effortless association,
And those behind the screen, our precious connection
With my feet I can only walk until I'm tired,
But I can touch your heart across the water when I'm wired
Bigger world within a smaller one,
The impulsive and the repulsive, in each respective world
They all ask, in the end, what have you won?
Well, I was able to tell you this without saying a single word.
-Daniel S. C-
Online or not, let us dance together
August 7, 2013
3 Comments • Newest first
[quote=NoGoodName]Uh, I recommend changing water to sea and adding more symbolism. You also overused "world" in the last paragraph, make a subtle reference to worlds instead, one that the reader has to think about before getting it or interpreting it their own way. That way it seems more professional. The way it stands right now, it seems like a young child trying to be dramatic wrote it. It's too easy to understand and to get the idea of, and most people would get the same message from it. Symbolism just adds that much more depth and value.[/quote]
I was really just asking for a title suggestion but you gave me an in-depth poetry developing insights (I highly appreciate it though) and I did use the tone of a young child because I wrote it with the image of my young self in my head speaking, and I personally prefer direct words with direct meaning, had enough symbolism in literature classes...and I think I like the flaws in my poem, and I usually write the words and leave the whole piece as it is after my last word, I do not like the idea of fixing or adding elements in writing after it's done to make it better, but thanks! By the way where was the word world overused? I only see one hm oh nevermind, I see it.
After hitting this pipe a few times i have no idea what this means but it speaks to me
Uh, I recommend changing water to sea and adding more symbolism. You also overused "world" in the last paragraph, make a subtle reference to worlds instead, one that the reader has to think about before getting it or interpreting it their own way. That way it seems more professional. The way it stands right now, it seems like a young child trying to be dramatic wrote it. It's too easy to understand and to get the idea of, and most people would get the same message from it. Symbolism just adds that much more depth and value.