General

Life Going Downhill

It's beginning to feel as if my life is falling apart. I broke up with my ex in February, but it was a mutual thing. We both liked each other just as much as we once did after the breakup, but we both didn't really play our cards right. She would always hold back for fear of another break up, and I would always take it as if she isn't interested, then hook up with someone at a party. I've had a couple things with girls and quite a bit of hook ups from the break up until now. Right now, I'm with a girl, but I'm not enjoying it. She's so cool that I think by spending more time with her, I'll like her more. I'm beginning to finally see that's not how it works. I still like my ex, but it seems like she's finally moved on. She always complains about how I get all these girls while she's too awkward to get even one guy. The girl I'm with right, I can't stop hearing about how much she loves me. Even my ex said people came up to HER to inform her that a new girl loves me. This is really driving me away, thinking what the hell am I getting myself into. There's also so much pressure for us to have sex because we're both virgins, but I always tell her I didn't bring a condom when she asks, knowing I'll be even more messed up when morning comes. When I'm sober, I wonder what the hell I'm doing. When I'm drunk, I think she's really attractive. I love her personality, but I also feel as if I'm with her partly because everybody thinks she's this incredible girl.

My brother started shooting heroin at 14, got 9 months clean around his 17th birthday, ended up on coke and a drinking problem, went to rehab, and he just left rehab today after two weeks. The one person I truly care about, I let myself grow attached to him when he was clean, thinking his drug days were over. Little did I know it would hurt more this time than it did the first time he left.

My mom has clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, and eating disorder, and some other mental illnesses. She told me the only reason she's here is for my brother and I, seeing that she has no job and doesn't contribute much unless it's related to parenting. I feel as if you owe your family no loyalty though, so if I ever move out of the country or become distant from my family, I strongly feel as if she is in danger. She tried to kill herself once before, and she certainly has no problem taking more than her required dose.

My dad isn't really in the picture, although I see him quite a bit compared to some. Not really a father figure, but he is my dad. My brother got his addiction problem from my dad, as well as a lot of his behaviour.

Not many people like me right now because they think I'm a jerk, which I can sometimes agree with. I'm trying to find a good spot for myself, but don't know how to get there, then end up hurting a lot of people along the way because I'm always told "do what's best for you, not others".

Don't even know if I passed French this year. Teachers are on strike so we won't be getting proper report cards. Missed the last three weeks of school for no reason, I just could not go to school. I felt so out of place.

Life's rough.