General

structure .

Oftentimes I feel like structure is counter-productive. In theory it makes sense, and some days I find myself happy. The smell of fresh coffee and the breath of morning air can fill me with energy, leaving me excited for the day to come. Establishing a routine may yield the quickest path to a productive life, and can bring long-term fulfillment through diligence.

That sounds great on paper. My issue has always been sleep, and the fact that society values early risers. I cannot function most mornings, and the idea of waking up gives me anxiety. Unless I am guaranteed 7+ hours, I put off going to bed for as long as possible. Then, throughout the night, I am awoken by stress dreams every few minutes.

Lack of sleep causes a snowball effect. My mind becomes foggy, and my emotions become less stable. The day slips away bit by bit, as I shirk responsibility in favor of balancing my mental state. Then it's time for bed again.

But night is the time I feel the most calm. The solitude of early morning hours is unmatched, and I want to freeze time. Obviously that's not possible, so I just repeat the cycle.

I stay up late because I'm too anxious to sleep, and because I want the serenity of midnight to last forever. The next morning, I face the consequences. I feel them worse than I did the day before.

Of course it's my fault. This thread is not meant to deny anything, and it's not meant to be an *"I'm too quirky for society"* display.

There are two obvious solutions to my problem. One would be to find a job and living arrangement that allows for variety and flexibility in a schedule. The other would be to just work harder, and force myself to sleep at a certain hour no matter what.

Both are viable. Most of my life I would have opted for the first option: I would have changed my environment, not myself. But I don't think it's that simple. Countless sources have told me that it's healthier to wake up at the same time every day. So while part of me wants to say *"it's society's fault,"* I also know that it would be ridiculous of me to do so.

Is it a matter of structure, though? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it's just a tenant of basic health, and one that I've been ignoring. Articles have been published that say people who stay up late are more creative, because they're thinking and producing into the night. I wonder if that's actually true, or if it's an unhealthy symptom of mental illness being glamorized.

What do you think?