General

Never have I felt more embarrassed

I'm not the type of woman who's afraid to flaunt her body. My hair is gorgeous, my thighs are shapely, and I would never leave home without at least a few inches of cleavage. Today I was feeling extra hot, pausing in front of each storefront to check myself out in the reflection. I slapped my ass when a Wall Street pig wolf-whistled in passing, then dug my pointed nail into his leg. The whale keeled over, and I stomped a heel into his chest as I continued my promenade. I had somewhere to be, and was already late.

I arrived at my destination: a ritzy hotel on Fourth Avenue. Now I don't consider myself to be an opportunist, but I was meeting an older gentleman for brunch. My outfit showed just enough skin to draw attention, but it was far from trashy. Still, I felt judgment from the geriatric Trumpers as I glided into the dining hall. Your typical blue-haired hags with copious wrinkles and obese husbands. Their disdainful stares gave me the confidence to lower my neckline, strut over to my man, and slowly lower my hand onto his chest as I began to sit at our table seductively.

Horrifically, just as my bend reached peak extension, a massive fart roared from my ass. My cheeks fluttered, as the trumpet-like blast echoed throughout the dining area for five sustained seconds. It smelled foul. The dusty grandmothers dropped their cutlery in shock, and some adjusted their hearing aids. I was mortified, and hoped that there was no stain on the back of my expensive dress.

Feeling the emergence of tears, I looked up at my man. He was laughing. Right then I knew: he was a chauvinist, just like the sow who catcalled me on the street. I slapped him across the face, and he fell out of his chair. Everyone stared as I stormed out of the restaurant, out of the hotel, and back into the street. I had never felt more humiliated in my entire life, and ran back home to cry.

Have any of you ever farted in public? I have never felt so embarrassed, and I don't know how I'm ever going to live this down.