Life Advice
Hey basil, I guess this is going to be a serious thread.
I realize this is a weird place to post this, but it's one of the sites where I feel I can relate to a lot of people and feel comfortable anonymous. I just don't even know what to do anymore. Don't read this if you can't take walls of text. I'm a sophomore in high school, and I live in a standard upper-middle class Asian family. I grew up with my father dead and my mother raised me with my housekeeper. I have an older half-brother who I look up to in every way. He's naturally a genius- studied at Cornell and engineers for the gov't. My mom works really hard to keep us afloat but as a result, she could be really abusive. She traumatized my brother when he was younger through some beatings. She's older and mellowed out now, but obsessed with making me a better version of my brother while I'm not as smart as him. She constantly asks me which college I want to and what I want to major in. I've been fencing, playing the saxophone, and breakdancing for a long time. They're the extra things I do that I actually have fun doing. I guess you could say I'm pretty talented in arts. I started getting B+'s and A-'s in my sophomore year, and no matter how much time I take away from my extracurriculars, I can't get away from these grades. My mom tried to fix this through beating and taking away my extracurriculars one by one. I don't think she still thinks I break, because she told me it was a waste of time a long time ago.
The only goals that I really have for myself have to do with my fencing, dancing, and jazz. I hate having her beat me and tell my that I need to have goals. It's screwed up that there are probably a lot of people that are in more screwed up positions that I'm in. I don't know what to tell her because fear of my mother is pretty much coded into me. How do I get her to accept that I'm not like my brother and for her to respect what I like to do? please help
8 Comments • Newest first
[quote=xDracius]I know what it's like. Well into my high school years I was still afraid of my mother since she used to beat me; even though she stopped by that time. I was in the opposite position as you, my mother always bagged on me for sitting in my room and playing videogames all day while my sister was out there volunteering and doing all these other extracurriculars. Luckily, I was able to get high grades and did surprisingly well on all my tests so they stopped being so overbearing and abusive.
Ultimately, the best way to deal with your mother is figure out what you want to do, regardless of what she wants. Once you've done that, confront her with your decision. Tell her calmly she can support you or stay out of your life, and leave it at that. If she's anything like my mother, she might go into a fit and start cursing you out, denouncing you, etc. but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing what you're going to do; and as much as she might try not to, your mother is going to have to accept it.
The real problem is figuring out what you want to do. You've probably been recommended all the 'realistic' money-making career paths (STEM, business, etc) by your mom already, and you have an idea in your mind of what you'd really love to do, but is probably risky and unstable for your future. You know the realistic options are the best ones, but picking them feels like you're giving in to your mother's influence, which is kinda sucky.
Know that your mother still wants you to be successful (and so do you), so what she's trying to do isn't bad for you (pushing you to do better); it's simply the way she's going about it (pressure, humiliation, abuse) that's bad.[/quote]
I think you pretty much addressed what I need to do in your third paragraph. I hope you're doing well now and I think you put me on the right path. I'm really grateful for this.
I know what it's like. Well into my high school years I was still afraid of my mother since she used to beat me; even though she stopped by that time. I was in the opposite position as you, my mother always bagged on me for sitting in my room and playing videogames all day while my sister was out there volunteering and doing all these other extracurriculars. Luckily, I was able to get high grades and did surprisingly well on all my tests so they stopped being so overbearing and abusive.
Ultimately, the best way to deal with your mother is figure out what you want to do, regardless of what she wants. Once you've done that, confront her with your decision. Tell her calmly she can support you or stay out of your life, and leave it at that. If she's anything like my mother, she might go into a fit and start cursing you out, denouncing you, etc. but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing what you're going to do; and as much as she might try not to, your mother is going to have to accept it.
The real problem is figuring out what you want to do. You've probably been recommended all the 'realistic' money-making career paths (STEM, business, etc) by your mom already, and you have an idea in your mind of what you'd really love to do, but is probably risky and unstable for your future. You know the realistic options are the best ones, but picking them feels like you're giving in to your mother's influence, which is kinda sucky.
Know that your mother still wants you to be successful (and so do you), so what she's trying to do isn't bad for you (pushing you to do better); it's simply the way she's going about it (pressure, humiliation, abuse) that's bad.
Good to hear that there are a lot of people that went through the same things I have. I'm glad for serious answers and I'm going to be seriously contemplating with your advice. Thanks
@sighanide I want to go into business, but I'm really not sure as of now. Only reason why I say business is because my mom drills it into my head that it's what I should do.
I come from somewhat the same background and had to deal with this too, but not to the point of beatings. One thing is for sure, Asian parents LOVE to compare their kids to their siblings' kids to see who turned out better. Thats a given fact LOL. I have some relatives who got into Cal Tech and other big schools which just make me look bad as well. My parents tried to push me really hard to get what they got, but I straight up said I wasn't like them constantly. Eventually they kinda laid off and let me do my own thing. I proved to them that I was a better all around person by doing sports and stuff etc.The main reason why your mom is doing this is because she has lived through it already and doesnt want you to screw up cause tbh, you get 1 shot at an education and if you screw up then youre done. If you want to see a difference, prove to her something. I know a family friend who had a very verbally abusive family that always criticized him throughout college. He just sucked it up and went on with his life until they finally asked him what he had done. Turns out after college he became a air traffic controller and makes more money than his mom dad and brother combined. You have lots of options man. Doing good in school just gives you better opportunities
You tell her you aren't like your brother. Tell her you have other passions and stuff. And if she doesn't listen, tell her every time she bugs you about it.
That's all I got...
@thiefy996 you haven't been here long enough or looked hard enough if you still think this isn't a decent place for advice.
What do you want to major in?
that's because you should be thinking about what college you want to go to or what you want to do so you can study properly and take the required courses and be ready.
Your mom just wants you to be ready and successful and have a job with a steady income and be able to retire.
If you want to major in fencing or whatever thats not academic, you have to show her that you're serious about it and work on it instead of treating it like a hobby and show her that you have a plan and you're not going to end up being a bum on the streets.
should I just say blunt like that?
i don't know if i can lol