General

Why should I keep on living?

Dang. I guess some people did find their way here. Stubborn mules, new updates don't make you give up. Anyway...

Everybody regards me as the smartest person they know. It's not like I'll ever amount to anything thanks to my OCD... or my general anxiety... or my depression. Depression is temporary but my general anxiety is in my genes. And I can't get rid of OCD completely because meds and therapy aren't working at the slightest. I'm so smart... blah blah blah. I score below the failing percentile nowadays... Am I superior to everybody else in intelligence? Probably. The problem is, I don't get enough time for anything. Time for a test? 2 hours. Takes me 4. They never give me that kind of time though, otherwise I'd be having perfect scores in general. School makes me anxious for hours on end, no break at all. That's not it, though. I'm not that one kid that failed because he was too "dumb". That kid probably grew up to be a junkie or had a terrible job but at least made money legally if he had morals. He'd at least finish his work. I'd get kicked out of that job because they wouldn't give me "time either". It wasn't like this 3 years ago. No... My OCD had surfaced in the 8th grade. I wouldn't only be regarded as the smartest before then, I'd be regarded as the most happy. I'd always had anxiety but it wasn't until OCD came along that I started struggling in school. I wish I was dumb, or at least my definition of dumb. The ignorant type of dumb. The naive but persistent type of dumb. They wouldn't struggle with the kinds of thing I struggle with because they don't know as much as I do. If they did, they'd laugh little and weep much. I'm also very lazy... That doesn't help tbh. It's not like I don't do my work because It's not important. Me not finishing the work is the problem. Just checking over and over and over again. Not even Sherlock would check his answers so many times. He'd go insane. But if I was able to stop myself I would. Man, I don't wanna commit suicide. In fact, I'm scared of death and that is the only reason I am still alive. The only things I do fast are things I enjoy. They only have to be slightly enjoyable. Learning in school is enjoyable. Doing some of the work is not...
@Noreceipt I've already found my passion. It's playing. Anything enjoyable. I find learning fun, but the work is something I can't stand. I think I've just contradicted myself but idc. Anybody know what it feels like? Because this isn't regular depression, it's OCD.

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