General

I am a spoiled brat who was given everything

I just got into a huge fight with my dad. Today he finally "attacked" me after dealing with my frustratingly tasteless attitude for so long he finally "snapped" and disciplined me. By discipline me I mean he pushed me on the ground and put me in headlock while venting out his frustrations verbally. I was not injured in any way shape or form. Afterwards I cried to myself, wallowing in my delusions and feeling sorry to myself. I then proceed to tattle to my mom that my dad choked me and I couldn't breath for 10 seconds (which was not the case). She tried to calm me down and comfort me to which I responded with suicide threats and later a threat to run away from home (which I don't really have the right to live in anyways b/c I'm already 18). After calming myself down in my room from the shock of the first semblance of discipline I have been given since many years ago I have decided to post this as a chance to collect my thoughts. I am also posting this as a chance to reflect upon myself as a person; not just due to my attitude and actions from this fight, but I also want to reflect upon my entire life. I believe after thinking about what just happened a moment ago the first speck of sense has entered my mind and I have decided to step out of my unwarranted delusions.

As a toddler I was a very cowardly kid who was too timid to speak to anyone other than the family close to me. I would never interact with the other children at school nor the teachers. My behavior was so severe that it led my teacher's to believe that I was mentally retarded all the way up till the beginning of 1st grade. I was put in special ed all the way up to this point, and up to the middle of 2nd grade I was put in an ESL despite being able to speak/write English adequately. Finally as I was integrated into the normal classroom my social skills improved enough (although they were undoubtedly still very poor) to keep up with my peers. I even made two friends (although we weren't very close) that I would talk to during school. I'm not even sure if they would even have considered me a friend seeing as how I was never brave enough to ask them on play dates and such but they would go out of their way during school so I wouldn't be alone, and they were nice to me despite my lack of any interesting responses or emotion during my conversations with them. This lasted all the way until the very end of elementary school. I however expected them (and the rest of the world) to continue to go out of their way to coddle my sorry ass for the rest of my life. However this obviously didn't happen because like any other reasonable people they had their own life to live and as middle school came I progressively became bitter as I was once again alone. During this time in middle school I had an unhealthy lust to fit in with the crowd but my foolish feelings of self entitlement that developed as I was coddled by my friends in elementary led me to believe it was my classmates' fault and not mine that I was all alone. I would wallow for long periods of time feeling sorry for myself and I hated my classmates because I genuinely believed my loneliness was their fault despite the fact that I myself had plenty of opportunities to go out of my way to get what I wanted (friends). In fact there were many opportunities where someone else DID go out of their way to try and help me, but I would tighten up and end up pushing them away w/ my nervous attitude. When this happened rather than try to calm down and improve my social skills I blamed them in my thoughts for not giving me a chance (even though they DID go out of their way to give me a chance). Basically what I just mentioned above is what happened for the rest of jr. high....and you're not gonna believe this but I became even more of a retarded self entitled brat when high school came along.

Freshman year was like Jr. High all over again, new opportunities came and I messed every single one of them up in signature style. I made the varsity tennis team but my lack of social skills made me the black sheep and I dreaded every practice because I was scared of my team mates. By the start of sophomore year I was seriously angsty as hell (even more so than before) and I had basically given up on making friends. "I'm too good for them," I thought. But as the year progressed and I was getting left out of group projects, dances, friendship, academic clubs, etc my irrational hatred for humanity and stress level were through the roof. When tennis season came around, this was when I seriously upgraded from foolish teenager to legit human trash. Rather continuing to wallow in my superficial sorrows I decided to resort to escapism instead! Brilliant huh? During tennis tryouts I faked illness and I was able to miss the rest of the year from school. The next year I skipped basically the entire year of school by faking illness as well. After I got a scan at some facility and they figured out physically I was fine (wasting thousands of my parents money all because of my faking), they recommended me to go get depression therapy (wasting even more of my parents money). I don't know why in the heck my doctor(s) kept writing notes for my illness: did they just not give a damn? To this day I dunno. How the frick did my PARENTS believe I was actually sick for all that time? Again, I dunno. Maybe my outer attitude of being an outstanding student at school (in terms of my grades) and the fact that I had always been a goody two shoes at home played into it. But this just led me deeper into my escapism, now knowing that I could get away w/ it. By the end of junior year academically I was already 2 years behind my peers (despite getting my credits from some weekly online supplementary courses during the time of my illness). Senior year I convinced my parents to let me go to some trashy online school (more escapism from reality because deep down I was too much of a coward to acknowledge how far behind I was in my previous school) where I learned absolutely nothing and became of full on bum. Even worse I kept telling myself that I would try and accomplish something...the next day...and the next day I would tell myself I would try to accomplish something the next day...and the next day...you get the idea. At the end I didn't do crap. I have basically lived all senior year, huddled up in my room sleeping 14 hours a day, acting like I am studying when my parents enter my room. In reality I'm just some idiot who was given so much he didn't deserve yet still wasted all his opportunities. The saddest part is that I only just realized this today. This was what 2013 has been like for me leading up until today's fight.

Ever since sophomore year my attitude towards my dad has been highly disrespectful, and I genuinely had no respect for him due to my twisted delusions. My attitude for life revolved around my delusions as well, and at one point I even reached a false enlightenment where I felt invincible; like I could accomplish anything...but I won't get into that. I want to reflect upon my fight today with my dad. It occurred today when he told me to go to church. I haven't believed in God ever since my middle school days but I acted like I did even after because I didn't want to be lectured by my dad, and I didn't want my mom to be worried that I would go to hell. Today however being highly irritable all year mixed with my dad's insistence upon my church attendance just made my snap and I told him that he was a retard for believing in god and that I had no respect for him. I dunno what made him snap though, the shock that I actually don't believe in God after faking like I did for 7 years or the fact that I was totally being disrespectful. I think probably both. However that is not important for me right now. I lived so long feeling entitled and being disrespectful to my dad after all that he provided. The least I could do is simply go to church. Such a simple task...yet I freaked out just because his beliefs differ from mine and messed up once again. After waking up from my delusions I can see how stupid, spoiled and irresponsible I've been and I wanted to reflect upon myself, and vent my thoughts to the world so perhaps I can get the courage to apologize and reform my attitude.

You don't have to read this if you don't want to...it's just comforting to post my thoughts to the world even if no one reads it or cares.