Advice on dating a girl unsure about her sexuality
So I have been hanging out and spending a lot of time with a girl and we have gotton very close. We have very good chemistry and everything and also share a lot of common interests. I feel we are very compatible. She hasn't really experienced things like holding hands and kissing until she has met me however, I have recently found out that she has been very confused about her sexuality for quite awhile. She is generally more physically attracted to women than men; however, she is still attracted to men just does not happen as frequently. On a scale of 1-10 she is a 6 on how much she is attracted to me. She wishes to still continue dating or hanging out or whatever, but is still unsure about what she wants.
I am very confused as well and not sure what to do. Both she and I are people who are looking for long term commitments; however, she has stated that she isn't sure about a long term commitment with me simply because of her confusion of her sexuality. As a stated before, she is very prude and hasn't experienced much at all in regards to relationships. I am under the impression that she may just enjoy the new experiences like holding hands and kissing and stuff like that and that might be why she insist on still doing whatever we are doing. We also have not had sex which is also concerning me because I feel she won't actually know what she wants until she experiences from both in regards to that.
What do you guys think about the future of her and me? Is it possible that she will become interested in a more serious relationship with me or can this not be answered until she explores more? I really do like her and kinda leaned towards just giving her a relationship experience with a male; however, I want to know what people who may have had similar experiences think about the longevity of our relationship.
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[quote=audio]i was 'the girl' in this situation a while ago so i can tell you what i'd want from my own experience
don't go into this expecting any sort of commitment from her whatsoever. if you're set on pursuing a relationship with this girl, keep yourself mentally at arm's length and don't think long-term about anything that happens. go with the flow, and don't force anything (i.e. sex) until it feels natural for both of you. if and when sex happens, make sure to communicate extensively with her and let her be 100% comfortable with anything that goes on. if it doesn't work out, comfort her and let her know that it's ok
sexuality is a really really difficult thing to deal with and, in your case, it's really cool for a person to have someone they can test the waters with. what you have to bear in mind here is that this girl is totally still in an experimental phase, so you can't go into this looking for a long-term relationship. if you like this girl and she likes you, however, you should stick with her and let her work through her sexuality, and if it doesn't work out for you you shouldn't act like it was something unexpected. what you've gotten yourself into here is a very dynamic and possibly-transitory period in this girl's life, so you shouldn't be expecting any future commitment from her whatsoever. if the both of you really do like each other though, i'd keep at it, something could work out[/quote]
Thank you for the insight. Could you possibly elaborate on how you have you figured everything out with yourself, like the things you went through/experienced to find out.
i was 'the girl' in this situation a while ago so i can tell you what i'd want from my own experience
don't go into this expecting any sort of commitment from her whatsoever. if you're set on pursuing a relationship with this girl, keep yourself mentally at arm's length and don't think long-term about anything that happens. go with the flow, and don't force anything (i.e. sex) until it feels natural for both of you. if and when sex happens, make sure to communicate extensively with her and let her be 100% comfortable with anything that goes on. if it doesn't work out, comfort her and let her know that it's ok
sexuality is a really really difficult thing to deal with and, in your case, it's really cool for a person to have someone they can test the waters with. what you have to bear in mind here is that this girl is totally still in an experimental phase, so you can't go into this looking for a long-term relationship. if you like this girl and she likes you, however, you should stick with her and let her work through her sexuality, and if it doesn't work out for you you shouldn't act like it was something unexpected. what you've gotten yourself into here is a very dynamic and possibly-transitory period in this girl's life, so you shouldn't be expecting any future commitment from her whatsoever. if the both of you really do like each other though, i'd keep at it, something could work out
Maybe she's just bi. And maybe she has just found fewer attractive guys, because girls are way more beautiful creatures.
Anyway, why don't you straight up ask her to be your girlfriend and see what happens?
[quote=ArtemisMeow]I think this might just be one of those situations where you have no choice but to take a step back and let her figure things out. She sounds as though she's too young and inexperienced and just altogether not in the right frame of mind for a committed, monogamous relationship right now. She really hasn't had the opportunity to experiment at all and this can be highly problematic for any kind of serious relationship, especially where she displays a strong and seemingly growing desire to experiment. You need to know a lot about yourself (especially when it comes to sexuality and sexual identity) to make a relationship work. You have to be confident and set on what your goals and values are, what you need from a relationship and what you're ready to give in return. If she has these serious questions now, they will not just go away. As nice as it is to think that she may sit down one day and say "I choose you", even if she did do that, it would likely be more than a little disingenuous. The truth is that committing to anything exclusive with you will only cause her to feel more and more trapped as time goes on and that will foster resentment between you both. It's a tough situation, but I think that to avoid pain on both sides, it may be best to move on.
Also, Hunter? Is that you?[/quote]
This was very helpful; thank you. I completely agree with everything.
Thank you to everyone else who have posted.
Get it in! - but yeah it'd be best to let her thoroughly decide what she wants, and make a decision from there.
Imo its not really worth it. later down the road it can lead to heart break and perhaps even ruin your friendship. I would go with @djhfreak on this one.
Since you yourself are still not completely confident either, than I'd say to give her space and time to figure out her feelings, but you guys should still hang out together.
Not worth the trouble, cut your losses, find another female to spray your man milk on. Aint got time for all that mess.
I think this might just be one of those situations where you have no choice but to take a step back and let her figure things out. She sounds as though she's too young and inexperienced and just altogether not in the right frame of mind for a committed, monogamous relationship right now. She really hasn't had the opportunity to experiment at all and this can be highly problematic for any kind of serious relationship, especially where she displays a strong and seemingly growing desire to experiment. You need to know a lot about yourself (especially when it comes to sexuality and sexual identity) to make a relationship work. You have to be confident and set on what your goals and values are, what you need from a relationship and what you're ready to give in return. If she has these serious questions now, they will not just go away. As nice as it is to think that she may sit down one day and say "I choose you", even if she did do that, it would likely be more than a little disingenuous. The truth is that committing to anything exclusive with you will only cause her to feel more and more trapped as time goes on and that will foster resentment between you both. It's a tough situation, but I think that to avoid pain on both sides, it may be best to move on.
Also, Hunter? Is that you?
Would you both be willing to go to relationship counseling? Maybe a 3rd party expert could help explain some steps that you both could follow.
I'm going to guess you're in college and, if you are, some colleges have free counseling services.
If you're in high school I think it'd be best to just let it go for a bit and let her figure out for herself what she wants.
[quote=DawnEmperor]@xetal: I'd tell her you wanna commit to her even though you know she might flipflop later on. Just the fact that you are gonna be there/wanna be there for her even though she thinks she might like women more is huge. Ya gotta make her know that you're not wasting time being with her that every second is a blessing even if she turns out to be not the right person.[/quote]
I'm kinda worried by revealing too much that she will become even more confused. I've tried my best to restrain how I really feel and I normally just play it very cool to show my sincerity for her through simple things like compliments and the way I talk to her and try and sympathize for her. I don't know if the right thing to do is try and make her see why I am the "right one" for her or let her just figure herself out because I don't think the former will really mean anything if she doesn't even know exactly what she's into or wants.
I really do like her but I've been through some heart breaks myself too in the past. I don't want to make my emotions and feelings revolve 100% on a girl, most especially if I just don't know wat will happen. I am scared that I am going to end up getting hurt if I fully committ myself and I also understand all relationships have this risk. I know that any relationship has its unknowns as to where it will lead, but this one seems to be answering itself based on the context of it, which I also know is just negative speculation at this point. As prideful and arrogant this may sound, I feel I need to care and worry for myself too.
I apologize if this thread is going in circles but I'm honestly just really emotionally messed up right now and am soooo confused myself.
@xetal: I'd tell her you wanna commit to her even though you know she might flipflop later on. Just the fact that you are gonna be there/wanna be there for her even though she thinks she might like women more is huge. Ya gotta make her know that you're not wasting time being with her that every second is a blessing even if she turns out to be not the right person.
That's a tough one man. Best option would just be to give her space to figure herself out, especially since both of you want committed relationships. Other scenario which is rocky, takes a lot of maturity and you are probably not ready for is to have some sort of open relationship where she can feel comfortable to talk to and explore things with others. Communication, limits and boundaries are key to this, so like I said, you have to be really mature and sure that it's worth the effort. If I were you, I'd just just break things off and check in with her after a couple of months.
[quote=DawnEmperor]I'm sure that both of you will end up fine. Best thing you can do is help her try to understand her feelings. I mean if she's more attracted to females then males, and STILL picks you. Like come on now that's a great thing to have happen, but yeah comfort,be there for her.[/quote]
She hasn't necessarily picked mee. She has stated that she isn't comfortable committing or establishing ourselves as a a couple or whatever because she is worried that she may sway the other way in the future. She has emphasized that she's worried that she may end up "wasting my time." Although this is still speculation from her part, I just don't know what to do. I really do like her; however, I am not confident in our relationship anymore which I know is a huge red flag. I am just having a lot of trouble trying to understand her situation, and I just don't want to invest my all if I am playing a "game" I am set to lose in. Like I reallly do like her, but I am just so stuck on whether to just commit or "play' along with whatever we are.
I'm sure that both of you will end up fine. Best thing you can do is help her try to understand her feelings. I mean if she's more attracted to females then males, and STILL picks you. Like come on now that's a great thing to have happen, but yeah comfort,be there for her.